Redefining Hope and Success

[juliegayle]

Last thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2435616&page=1

I don't think I have posted since the incident where H threatened my contact with step kids. Things have calmed down in the last week.

I feel like s and I have gotten into a good routine. He still screams for dad sometimes but not as much. Things he only let h do (like clipping his nails) he is letting me do without much fuss) We have also developed some new bedtime rituals.

Things are nice and calm when h is out of the house and s and I just do our thing and hang out with the dogs. (I have actually fallen in love with this puppy he brought home. )

At the same time h has been at home a tiny bit more. No real conversation but civil. The big sticking point is finances. We can't talk about money without getting emotional. I suggested he get an app to check bank account so it isnt all me tracking things. He did and has been keeping an eye on spending. . We will see.

The other change is that s and I have checked out a unitarian fellowship in our neighborhood. I was discussing with my therapist how I am really missing having a community to belong to. I had been interested in checking them out for years but h never wanted to go. I figure now I can do what I want. The congregation was so welcoming to s. I think it will be a good place for us.

That was a pretty big deal for me as I am very nervous about goung new places by myself. I was very social before I met my h. Now I need to learn how to be open to meeting new people again. Not remotely thinking about a relationship just new friends.

[juliegayle]

So for all the PMA I am feeling I am still surprised when I have expectations that I didn't realize I had.

Last night h was in s room talking to him for a long time. (It was technically h night with s but he went out and missed bath and meds and getting him into bed) Afterwards s callef me in and said "daddy is sad because he misses his friend" I could hear h crying in the bathroom.

My first thought was "maybe he broke up with ow" and I was happy. What???!!! I am not supposed to care about him or her. My mind ran to how things might change with her out of the picture.

As I thought more I knew it could really be anything. More likely a patient he had become attached to had passed. I did let him know I was available if he needed to talk. He said he didn't want to talk to me so I just left him alone

[bluesgal]

Hey Julie-

I love that you joined a new church! That is awesome and I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to go there alone the first time. And then how great it must have felt to be welcomed. Your H seems to be mellowing a bit. Missing his friend and crying in the bathroom is interesting.

[juliegayle]

Any tips on discussing parenting responsibilities with an angry and unresponsive WAS. H has parenting duties when I work late. I don't like his parenting style of plopping s in front of tv but it isn't hurting him so I don't say anything. He doesn't give him a bath. Ok we do it on my nights. But tonight they didn't do homework. (This has happened before).

Every time I approach him about something that involves responsibility it turns very bad. Really dreading this conversation.

[unbidden]

Do you have to talk about it? Can you email him something simple and non-antagonistic.

[bluesgal]

I like the idea of an email or maybe a post it on the counter? Something light and breezy. Is your son able to remind H and have it as part of his routine?

[Georgiabelle]

Email. Skip the talk:)

[AnotherStander]

Rather than send a message to him discussing his lack of parenting skills (which will no doubt make him angry) how about texting him reminders? Like when he has the kids just text him with "Can you please get the kids to check and see if they have any homework? Thanks!" Or "Can you please get the kids to shower tonight, they really need it, thank you!" My W and I send notes like this back and forth all the time.

[juliegayle]

Thanks everyone for the input. I like the idea of having an email paper trail but h rarely to never checks his email.

S can't shower or do homework independently but he can say "I need to" or "I need help with" so that is something I can work on.

As it turns out h was in an exceptionally civil mood this morning. (I will post about this later because my feelings are very confused) I was able to say "so s didn't do his homework" which doesn't put blame on h and opens the door for future friendly reminders.

[bluesgal]

Good job Julie-looking forward to your next post!