I've never posted anything on here before so please forgive me if I do it wrong. The problem is my beloved husband left me seven weeks ago. This is following a six year marriage (no mutual children, I have three but they have all left home this year, he has two but didn't see them much). We are very different. He is a shy introverted tradesman (I am explaining this to show one of our main problems, not out of snobbery) with no education, few friends and a very bad childhood involving desertion by his mum, sexual abuse and violence. I am a post grad educated professional but had a pretty bad childhood too with an abusive mother and alcoholic partner. I have quite a few friends and am usually quite outgoing. I loved him for the peace, love and comfort he gave me. We met three years after my last divorce and fell deeply in love. He put me high in a pedestal as his princess and he was my hero/knight. Until he left we were still very much in love and having regular beautiful intimate relations and were very affectionate. But the big downside was that he had become angrier and more defensive over the last year and seemed to go into rages at the drop of a hat, which he says were my fault for always pushing him to be better. (I really want to do a 180 on this). We lived in my nice house and had a lovely lifestyle, but he became more and more resentful and lost his self esteem which I fully acknowledge was my fault for not validating him enough and for trying to improve him re speech manners clothes etc. (which he originally said he wanted, but actually deeply resented). After a year or so, he started to show occasional violence towards me and the children. He would do things like push me from one end of the house to the other, shout right in my face, hold a clenched fist in front of me and he attacked my two adult sons. He put one in a hedge when he was 17 and grabbed my 20 year old son by the neck gouging bloody nail marks out of his skin. In the last few months despite ongoing affection, he has had a hair trigger temper and the tiniest thing I said would set him off. He was also very insecure and worried about me meeting other men because I had recently joined some new clubs. After telling me repeatedly to f***k off in the pub (totally unlike him as he never swears) after I had been sitting on his knee watching a band and I disagreed with him about whether they were like another band. He demanded that I get the f******g car and drive him home imediately. I was so shocked that I was crying as I tried to drive and he told me I was driving too slow and he got out of the car and stomped off ahead of me in a rage. Eventually I persuaded him to get back in the car and once we got home he started to pack his stuff. He told me that I had five minutes to admit I was wrong or he was going. I said through my sobs, that I couldn't say I was wrong just because he was telling me to, so he went. In the next two weeks he was nice by text and said his aim was to get sorted and he begged to come back, but I said he needed anger management first and counselling. He quickly changed regarding coming back and turned very cold and hard and has now said it is definitely over although he can't rule out regretting it in six months or a year and may then come looking for me. He said he still loves me and misses me, but the pain is too much and he has pulled the shutters down behind him and the marriage is over. A week ago he came to mend my roof as I had lost tiles and it was leaking. I was hopeful that this kindness meant he was starting to think about trying to resolve things but to my absolute horror when I got home, he had left me a bill for his labour time for �80 and he also took the money from a jar I had told him about (because I thought he would need it for materials). I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I had just about got over the horrific endless crying, insomnia, panic attack stages of aching loss and fear and have lost a stone in weight, but last night I couldn't sleep at all and feel really dreadful again this morning. I am now beginning to think that this man is totally toxic and damaged too much and I should run, but there is another side to me that thinks he is sad and upset and was insecure that he wasn't good enough for me and I still love him so much that it's killing me. In the last two weeks apart from the leaking roof emergency, I have not contacted him. I never see him as he is in a different town and am worried whether I am doing the right thing. I am trying to follow all the 37 rules but am worried that he actually needs reassurance not minimal contact. This afternoon I had to text him about the roof again and we did exchange a couple of superficial friendly texts about how we were. This is a first. I may have just blown it though by asking him to tell me if he starts to see another woman. I just couldn't keep up my hopes if he does that and I don't want to be the last to know. I know there has been no one up to last week anyway. Any advice would be very much appreciated.
Sorry quick update. He told me he had admirers but would let me know if there was someone special. I told him I was still sad and lonely and wanted him back even though I was getting on with my life. He then said several times that it was over and I must move on as he had. I wanted to make absolutely sure before I accepted it, so I asked him "is that forever then? No possibilities of you coming back to find me in a few months, like you previously said? " He didn't reply for about half an hour whilst I waited for the final bullet. But to my surprise he said "I'm not going to say there is no chance, but not in the imediate future. It's not right that you wait." So here I am again, not sure what's going on. Weirdly after that text exchange, I have started to think much less of him and am not even sure I want him back now. I am starting to see how badly he has treated me and I'm not sure I want any more of that. Primarily because he is unaware of his bad behaviour and blames it all on me, so no hope of improving it. He says his temper is my fault and so he has left me because he doesn't like himself like this!? He described himself as Dr Jeckhall/mr Hyde which is exactly right. Sooooo confused.
First of all let's just say it out loud so that you can acknowledge the truth, you and your sons are victims of abuse by your H. What he did to all of you is unacceptable. You were absolutely right in demanding that he go to anger management, and his refusal to do so tells me he is in denial of his condition as an abuser. I suspect that he has always been this way (most abusers are like that their entire lives) and had been suppressing it in the early years of your M. Make no mistake about it, he is DANGEROUS. Abuse does not get better over time, it always gets worse unless they seek professional help, and unfortunately they rarely do because they convince themselves their behavior is everyone else's fault.
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I told him I was still sad and lonely and wanted him back even though I was getting on with my life.
Don't tell him things like that, it just makes it look like you're waiting around as plan B for him. Are you familiar with Sandi2's 37 Rules?
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so I asked him "is that forever then? No possibilities of you coming back to find me in a few months, like you previously said? "
Don't ask things like this either. The answer you get today will be different than tomorrow will be different than next week. WAS's are not thinking clearly and logically, they're acting off of raw emotions. The things they do and say often don't make sense and aren't consistent.
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I am starting to see how badly he has treated me and I'm not sure I want any more of that. Primarily because he is unaware of his bad behaviour and blames it all on me, so no hope of improving it.
