Heather - Seven years ago I actually went to a therapist with my (now) xh. This was about eighteen months after he had left, but he was convinced that there was something wrong with me, because I (and the children) were all so upset.
He fully expected the therapist to tell him that he was fine and that I was crazy, but the therapist asked him some very searching questions - after that session he left and I didn't see him again for over 18 months!! I did continue to see the therapist who was helpful as he had met my xh and therefore understood the whole situation.
Why aren't there more studies about MLC? Seems like such an epidemic to me. So many families are destroyed. And, the cycle just repeats itself. Or, as in Bea's case, families are tortured for years.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
NLW - I think that your husband and my xh are highly abnormal!! Because two of them are at it (and mine has been doing this on and off for many years) doesn't make it less abnormal -
My xh has already attempted a court case and is now accusing me of fraud - to the authorities, not simply to me.
It is a horrible situation, and I think he is actually mad.
I'm so sorry B. I wish there was something we could do. But unfortunately, I wouldn't be surprised if I find myself in your shoes 8 years down the road. My H isn't exactly sane or rational either. Mine, too, is just mad.
I hope he takes a long walk off a short pier.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Unfortunately, WH, I suspect you will be. Unless he has a watershed moment, it's highly likely you will.
Bea - I have similar to report on my end. I do not think your H is abnormal per se. It seems he cannot or will not take responsibility, but that's par for the course here.
And as for the as-if - they do tend to walk away and act as if we left them. As if we did those horrible things to them. As if it was somebody else that did those things.
In some ways, it is somebody else. They do project onto us, but if not us, then whom? They aren't ready to handle it themselves. Obviously.
Some never have that watershed moment where they realize what they've done and they want to do something different.
Do yourself and all involved a favor - go build that harassment case. It won't help with this go around, but it will help you in the future as it lets everyone know what's going on and sends a clear message that you don't want to be bothered by him.
I know you'd rather have a friendly relationship. I know you'd like to think that you could be friends. That if he wanted to leave, why didn't he just go??? I've often wondered the same thing about my ex.
As near as I can figure, I haven't a clue as to the why
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ Thanks for your input. Like many others I come here because really there is nowhere else to go. No-one else who who has experienced this unbelievable behaviour.
I have both a lawyer and an accountant. At the moment I do not have a harassment case. It just feels like it.
When I do have a case, then I will decide how to act. At that point I will also take advice from the therapist I saw, who also knows my xh, as the best way of proceeding.
Everything my xh is doing is perfectly legal, as far as it goes - that is, he has the legal right to do these things. Taken together it looks like an unreasonable pattern to any normal person. That is the problem. At some point the harassment case will be complete, Right now for the jurisdiction that I live in, it isn't.
It is just good to say/write the tings that one deals with, largely alone. I do not have a partner, and while my friends are amazingly supportive, it is now 8 years and more since all this happened! A long time on planet earth. My children - well it is their father acting like this, and it isn't good for them to be over-involved.
Oh, Bea, hugs. All the whys we can't answer. So unfair: I am only 6 months into this nightmare, so nothing on you, but agree the loss of partner to lean on is hard, and in our case, since they are also the source of the stress, doubly so! But you are holding up so well and pursuing your side of the law and business end so rationally. Good job and enjoy your family (children).
M 20 yrs me 47 H 51 s11 d8
BD 10/8/13 H Moved out 11/30/13 OW slept over with children Dec '13 OW moved in w/H Jan '14
It is just good to say/write the tings that one deals with, largely alone. I do not have a partner, and while my friends are amazingly supportive, it is now 8 years and more since all this happened! A long time on planet earth. My children - well it is their father acting like this, and it isn't good for them to be over-involved.
And it's good for others that come here to read about it.
I remember in the beginning I thought I was crazy or losing it. I had a lot going on at the time including my ex acting like a spoiled teen, family that was sick/dying and in need of care, school, job pressures, teen & pre-teen, financial issues (who didn't?) and so on. I really did think my mind was going because my ex wanted to leave, then decided it was my fault. Then wanted me to leave (go figure) and accused me of all kinds of things.
Then she left and a few months later married her "friend" and continued to accuse me of all kinds of odd things. Seriously, it was bizarre. She also had such hatred and contempt it was palpable. She said she wanted to be a single parent, wasn't sorry, hoped I ended up alone and so on.
Then she couldn't stick to the sep agreement (documented). And would send me emails out of the blue (I wouldn't allow her to call any longer) accusing me of the strangest things. She couldn't write a coherent sentence for the most part.
Now? She avoids talking to me, but will answer questions/business related if needed. I do same. She is a stickler now for rules of the sep agreement, whereas before they were just "guidelines". She is following my lead at this point, which is interesting in itself, but she very much wants to pick a fight and does not remember the accusations, timelines, or telling me she never loved me, I deserve better, and she wants to be a single parent.
Go figure.
My point? We all have similar stories. We all need to vent them and cannot make that stuff up. People outside of this forum aren't likely to understand what we are talking about. I don't blame them, nor do I envy them their innocence. I was there once and I remember thinking the same about such things... hehe. Silly me.
So keep posting. It really does help people who come along later to see that they are not alone. That just when they thought their situation was the worst possible thing a human could do, they read about somebody else that "one ups" them and reminds us all - it could be worse
Keep posting, and while I'm sorry you have to go through this, I'm not sorry at the same time. I think you'll get a lot of value out of this, believe it or not. I was surprised at how much I've received both from my situation and your posts....
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
