He'll huff and he'll puff - my intro

[ladylu]

Doogie called me at work today and did force the issue about my opinion on the topic of D or S. I basically said you have arrived at your decision, I haven't had time to catch up to where you are. Follow your heart whether D or S makes sense more to you. Same goes for whether and where he should move out in the interim. I did say I want to thank you for the courage to be honest and I know now that all our lives, our children's lives, are going to be happier and healthier because of this experience. You opened the door, Doogie, walk through it.
I am considering myself off the hook now and do not intend to initiate R talks or reiterate again.

[ladylu]

It seems like such a head game. And it is so tiring not being on autopilot with my reactions all the time.
I have definitely had growth moments for myself. I realized that I have exhibited emotional patterns in our marriage learned in childhood with my narcissistic mother and codependent father. I have had therapy to deal with the abusive history but I think marriage was a trial I had to learn through. So basically I see how I wasn't responsible for my own happiness, had a sense of entitlement etc. So that has been a great healing revelation.
I feel like I still see baby steps as I continue my 180s, detaching but then I wonder if I am just interpreting what I want. I have arrived at a place where D is not so shocking or unimaginable.
I am curious, I do not know of an A but kind of expect some infidelity to be revealed before this is over. How does a DBer react when that is revealed?

[ladylu]

Ugh it is Sunday night so on cue he caught me and said he wanted to talk and knows I don't want to talk at this time so he wants to call me tomorrow at work.

So some of the factors that make me think MLC versus regular WAS.
Doogie's mother and father divorced when he was very young.
He was raised day to day by his mom and stepdad. About two years ago after 40+years of marriage they are getting divorced. They are both in their 70s and are both using him. They have spent two years in courts fighting over which state should hear the divorce. It been ugly and I think this plus his own 17 year unhappy marriage has made him not willing to work at it.
He turned 50.
There have been work changes and he is not getting the respect he has earned.
Oldest kid is in 12th grade.
He has had behavioral changes in the last two years that have contributed to a lot of friction between us.
He is definitely very depressed.
I do feel like the whipping post in this and the scapegoat for all ills. I told him so before DB.
I think he has spent his life being the good one and putting his own feelings last. Now he won't take it anymore.
I do think in our culture divorce is promoted so much as the answer. I get to the point where I am like yes! Bring the divorce! I would be much happier not around you.
But I still think we are well matched, that the kids will have more to deal with. That this seems so temporary.
So that is why I feel it is up to him to file. I just don't feel like I would be true to myself to do so.

[ladylu]

He just called to tell me that he is meeting the appraisers at our house this afternoon. It just makes me want to throw up.

His behavior has been odd. Our interactions are positive. He is increasingly secretive. I show no interest. He said he had a really rough session with his IC last week. After that he was more engaged with the kids. Not sure how long that will last.

Actually arranging for the appraisal instead of just talking about it is the first concrete action to D since the January BD so I am bummed.

Not that I am not ready to let him go. I took my rings off Monday. But dismantling our family is still not the right thing to do.

[TL72*]

I'm so sorry, I know it makes you feel sick to your stomach, been there done that. Odd behavior? Get used to that. Secretive? yep. Mine didn't even tell me when he was moving out, I finally asked when I saw a few things missing and he moved out the very next day. He didn't think it was important to tell me when, figured I would just have the money for the full mortgage payment on my own. Mine took his ring off at BD, I wore mine another week or so while processing it and then finally took it off. didn't want to. It all svcks, I try to find anything positive about this whole thing and all I can come up with is that I lost 20 lbs and that I can actually relax now that he's not in the house anymore. Time to focus on yourself and your children. I think we'll stay confused for awhile, trying to make sense of it when maybe we should stop asking "why" and just start to GAL. I have not been able to stop asking questions. I know in my head that it doesn't matter, it doesn't change anything if I have answers, he's still gone and still in MLC and it's still going to last years so I have no choice but to move forward. Keep posting, you're not alone. Read and re-read the resources, they do seem to help make sense of the nonsense. Make him do all the work if that is what he wants to do. Take care of you.

[ladylu]

Thank you, TL. Yours really fast tracked. I definitely do think the limbo is unhealthy and I can see why people don't DB. I'll re-read the rules and MLC things that helped before I go home tonight.
One thing I read on some board, a woman said that if the H she married was there he would have done anything to protect her and get her away from MLC-H. I think about that often. And I think it is really important not to accept their version that the happy times were really bad.

[ladylu]

Today he gave me paperwork when I was leaving for work that I could look at 'whenever I have time not necessarily today' (his words).
It is just the standard case file and petition which he filled out his his info, etc. He highlighted stuff for me to fill out. He filled it out like I am copetitioning but highlighted both D and S so didn't even choose which to file for. I kinda feel like I told him already that he needs to follow his heart and do what seems right for him. That it is not my path but his.
He was unhappy with the appraisal last week, thought it came back too low.

[ladylu]

I am frustrated.
For the last few weeks maybe I haven't been DBing. After that last post something snapped in me. I was tired of being afraid and trying to skulk around to delay getting served.
Part of me feels he needs the D and there will be no reconciliation until after, if ever. Part of me thinks to drag this out but part decided it would be better to just to be done with low conflict and hostility.
So I started to stand up to him and even initiated some R talks.
I told him there is no way I will agree to 50/50 without a judge ordering it. So listen I totally believe the kids need 100% from both parents every day. What I am talking about is residential stability. He made it clear he wouldn't consider nesting. I have watched 50/50 with my stepsons for the last 7 years. It has been awful for everyone.
When we married it was my clear expectation that he be an equal parent and for years he was. Not anymore. He is in the house and does 5% parenting. He's distracted, short tempered and mean with our kids but obsessed with and ultra kind and patient with the 4 year old son of this younger couple that he constantly tags along with. I work full time and he is still on a part time schedule that I encouraged so he could have more flexibility with the four kids. Last year I told him he wasn't living up to that arrangement and I wasn't comfortable with it anymore. He flat out refused to go full-time.
To my shock a couple days after I said that I would not accept 50/50 he made some comments about thinking we would be able work something out very quickly.
He really wants to keep our amazing two year old house and I didn't think we could afford two houses in this area. However there is an older house across the street, very close and I worked with my agent to find out these people would rent to me til could close. The house are in view of each other. It's a great older house that is a little dated and has very little yard. It is a one minute walk between the houses for my six year old. They would be out playing at our current house all the time and could see us both everyday.
So I broached it and he went off, no way will I accept less than 50/50 yadda yadda yadda. He said it's you way or the highway like it's been for 8years.
People I do not want a divorce. I have changed and learned so much - which he sees and acknowledges while saying he is not willing to try or change.
My way or the highway? OK.
He has still not filed but still expects our marriage to magically evaporate by... May? If the kids are going to be disrupted I want it to be in the summer when they are out of school.
I am not afraid of divorce and I am not afraid of ending up with 50/50 or less if a family investigator recommends it. Whatever happens I will do the best for my kids. I am exhausted, I have a great career that needs more of my time, I have been GAL ing and growing like crazy.
I don't know if I should file to force it or go back to wait out the MLC. My husband is not attractive to me right now but I still think we are well matched and could grow from this. That's still what I want. But I don't want to just try and artificially prolong the M. The grass is looking really green on the divorced side of the fence.
I would love any thoughts, feedback, opinions, suggestions.
Thanks, LL

[ladylu]

Yesterday H and SS15 flew out of state for a fishing trip with grandpa (H's step-dad who is living with his ow and in a protracted D battle with H's mom after 40+ years of M).
The airline called here twice looking to talk to H about a laptop. I finally got a hold of him and he laughed and said he took someone else's laptop bag. The airline has his laptop and wallet and he said well I'm not going to go get it now.
So out of it. This kind of sad thing is what makes me feel like I should stay, like he is mentally ill with the MLC.
My job performance and my health are really suffering. I feel mentally better but like today I am home with sick D struggling to telecommute, I need to call the doctor about lady problems. H being so unreliable really throws a wrench in my ability to plan my day. I need to take it to the next level of acting like a single parent.
This is why I don't know if it is better to just take the bull by the horns or alternatively just stop putting any energy into preparing to respond to him filing til he actually does something. I know what L I am going to use and have done some prep work so maybe I just stop.

[ladylu]

So I think I stumbled on to the affair this weekend. It is not hard proof but my gut. It is a friend that I know also and it was kind of unfathomable that she would be involved with him. I had considered it a possibility that he was in love with her but that she didn't know. But as I say I stumbled into it (figuratively not literally) and her behavior and then his behavior were so unique. I think they think they threw me off the trail. They both think they are geniuses and so I kind of played dumb. I don't know if it is a physical relationship and I don't totally get it but like I said, my gut says there it is.
She is married and with a small kid that is friends with ours. Her H is clueless. I am really quite shocked at her.
Doogie on the other hand is one sick puppy. I do truly believe he is in MLC however, I also think that he is really warped and that is his original condition, predating his first marriage. Considering all this I must say that I do not know that standing is going to be the right long term solution. I don't want to drink MLC kool-aid that our past didn't have real love, but you know I am not certain that he is capable of real relationships versus just his fantasy version.
Honestly I had my biological clock ticking and ended up with two great kids, and now a lot of personal growth and insight into myself. Do I really need to try to force it to be more than a chapter in my life?