I think I belong here....

[praying_in_GA]

Thanks be to Rick1963 for pointing out that I may belong here.

Well, here goes...and I do apologize for the length.

We went through this in Oct-Nov 2009. I found my old stitch and re-read about half of it before I was ready to slap the crap out of myself. #1 I made so many mistakes and discounted so many people's excellent advice. #2 I ended up right back there 4 years later. Here we are again.

H is turning 36 this year. I will turn 33. We have three amazing kids ages 8, 6, and almost 2. (The last time this happened my 6 year old had just turned 2. What does he have against 2 year olds?) We have been together for 14 years and married 11 years this August. He is a full time nursing student set to graduate this Dec with his Bachelors degree. I am a full time RN working three 12 hour night shifts a week. He has been unemployed and a student for 3 years now. I KNOW it is hard for him to be not only unemployed but also a full time nursing student and a father. It is emasculating for even the most testosterone filled man.

He didn't want to be a father. We discussed this before we got engaged. I told him I wanted kids. I told him we only had a few years invested...we could walk away and find what we were truly looking for. I told him not to marry me unless he was willing to have a family. As you see, we ended up married with children. He adores his kids and he is an amazing father. My kids are very lucky to have him. Our third child was a huge shock to our lives. Three days after finding out I was pregnant he got laid off. It was a hard situation but we made the best of it.

Our first foray into this realm consisted of ILYBNILWY, I have been unhappy for years but kept going because you wanted me to, I need to go find my happiness and you do to. This time is no different. Only add to this that he wants to move across the country, buy a motorcycle, and join the Navy. He says we are amazing friends living together raising kids but he does not love me as a spouse any longer.

He is partially correct. We have been in separate rooms for 2 years now. He originally moved out of the marital bed when #3 was an infant. He was getting up early for school and didn't want to disturb us. He has been gone since then. Now we live in a different house. His room, closet, and bathroom are all on the 2nd floor...mine is the master on main. We have lost that spark that makes friends lovers. I still dearly love him but his love is 'gone'.

He is still living in the house and has no plans of leaving...for now. When this subject came up a couple of weeks ago we agreed to try to make it work and put more effort into us. It lasted those two weeks before he told me that he saw me trying and he felt bad because he wasn't. He doesn't want to lead me on so he wanted to 'come clean' about it. He says he sees this ending with us as friends and not married.

I haven't follow the DR principles well so far. I asked him how we are supposed to work this living together yet separated thing. Should we live around each other? Interact? Watch movies and go do things together? We had previously planned to go hiking this weekend. I asked him about that. He said he still wanted to go because "That's how things start anyway." I do NOT want to hang my heart on hope filled ideas like this.

So, he isn't moving out. He doesn't want to work on things. He sees this ending in divorce but as friends. He wants to find what makes him happy and I deserve to do the same. I "deserve to find someone who loves me like I should be loved." He said he is just unhappy and does not want to look back on his life with regret.

He told me to go do things that make me happy. Spend the weekend away. He doesn't want to know what I do or where I go....just tell him when I am going and he will take care of the kids. I should go find myself and my happiness.

[praying_in_GA]

It has been 2 days since he told he wasn't really trying and didn't want to lead me on. I spent a day being angry, bitchy, and pissed off. Yep, worst idea ever. So, in the last 24 hours our interactions at home have been light and easy. Like things aren't going on behind the scenes. We chat about anything that comes up. We laugh at the kids. We talk about his school.

This morning I took my first steps towards some major 180s.

He wants to join the Navy to help pay off his student loans. He is very anti-government but he sees this as a great way to gain experience in the medical field while also helping him out financially. He asked my opinion and I was hesitant to answer. Today he was talking about it again. I was supportive. I told him it would be an interesting time in his life and would add to his life story. He is going to talk to a recruiter about it soon. I am scared to be a single parent while he is away / deployed. His family and mine would help but I would miss him....or I would learn that I don't need him?

He has wanted a motorcycle for as long as I have known him. I have been against it. My father died on one and I don't want my kids to lose him. He has decided he WILL get one no matter how anyone else feels on the subject. Okay. I asked him if he was going to get his license in time to ride with his brothers when they come for a visit in May. He said he has already looked into it and he will get one on Monday. I told him that was great! I joked with him that WHEN he bought one (I did not say IF!!) that he should double his life insurance. He laughed and we 'shook' on the 'deal'. I even mentioned me riding with him a little to try and get used to it. We used to ride dirt bikes together all the time so I know how to ride...just not a street bike.

He has a job interview/testing tomorrow for a medical position part time. He has class at 9am and then the testing right after so I will have the kids most of the day. Even though I will be dog tired after working two shifts in a row I was very excited for him! I told him this was a great opportunity! I mentioned that he didn't need to worry about taking over a bill, just help out with groceries and use the rest for his spending money. It has been so long since he has had his own money. (I didn't say that to him, just my reasoning) I am reluctant to hand over any of the household bills right now. Last time I was no where near financially able to support myself and the kids. This time I am and I don't want to become dependent again.

Well, I guess this was the tip off. He laughed and asked me if I had talked to a lawyer. He said I was never this positive and open to so much. He actually said: "Have you talked a lawyer? You are a complete 180 from what you have been." He asked if I was worried about abandonment when he goes into the Navy. That question confuses me. I still don't understand what he was asking. I told him no, I have not spoken to a lawyer. I told him that I had done some soul searching and decided I needed to stop holding him back from things that make him happy. I said I need to make some changes to myself...one being to be more positive and open.

This is where it gets worse....

I got to work and sent a text. Stupid stupid stupid.
Me: "If you have consulted with a lawyer, let me know so I can do the same."
H: "I haven't but go ahead"
M: "I would rather us wait a bit if you are okay with that. This doesn't have to be all or nothing...there are shades of gray."
H: "Shades that you like?"
Me: "Maybe"

OMG, someone stop me before I ruin this!! Time to re-read DR STAT!!!

[praying_in_GA]

So, Rick directed me to Eric's post about fear. A lot of it resonated with me. What AM I afraid of? I am going to be brutally honest....

-Breaking apart my family. My kids deserve two parents in the home. They do not deserve to get shuffled between houses on the weekends, summers, and holidays. H wants to move to Seattle (we live in GA). I do not want to send my kids out to Washington for visits. I want them here with me.

-My kids compete in gymnastics. I work nights. I homeschool them. Our life is complicated and difficult to do alone. We are always going or doing school. If he moves to Seattle and they go visit this will mess up their training. If I am doing this alone I will never sleep because I will have to drive them to and from practice 5 days a week.

-Work. We had planned on me going part time (two 12 hour shifts a week) once he graduated. That's gone now. I want to be home with my kids. I want to be a better mother and teacher to them.

-Starting over. I don't want to. I don't want to date again. I don't want to try to find love again. I don't want to be a step-parent. I don't want my kids to have step-parents.

-Alone. I don't want to be alone but who is out there looking for a mid 30's mother of three?

I want my marriage. I want my husband. I want my family.

[praying_in_GA]

I should add...

Last time he moved out immediately. I was working the DR/DB from separate homes. This time we see each other every day almost all day. If anyone can help me navigate this new road I would very much appreciate it.

[praying_in_GA]

Just finished reading my first thread posted here 4 years ago. I was so strong and confident by the end! I worry it won't work the same this time. He is encouraging me to do what DR says to do. I worry he won't turn around this time.

[job]

I'm so sorry you are here again. Can you put the link to your old thread so that we can refresh our memories of your past?

[praying_in_GA]

I would be happily embarrassed to link them for you! I don't know how I made it work last time because I sound like an idiot!

Original thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...828#Post1869828

When he came home:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...300#Post1878300

[Rick1963]

Praying please stop putting yourself down. It doesnt help u. And if u continue to hope for the worse guess what happens?

[job]

If he should enlist in the Navy, that doesn't necessarily mean you will be left alone. He could be on land versus on a ship and you could go and live in base housing, if it's available. Also, you and your children would be able to utilize the base facilities as well.

I know you are afraid of living alone, but it appears that you're on your own right now. As for getting the kids around town, you may be able to tag up w/some other parents that have children in gymnastics. This is where you will need to bite the bullet and ask for help from others. Don't be ashamed to do so.

The best thing you can do is try not to discuss lawyers, separation and divorce because you see where it got you this last time...he wants you to do the work. If he wants out, he can do the work. As long as you aren't rocking his boat and what he's doing, he comes across as very nice and willing to share his life's experiences w/you. When real negotiations begin to take place w/lawyers, etc., that's when he may very well begin to change into a not so nice man and the "evil twin" may appear. So, unless you want a divorce, I would not have any more discussions about it. Now, if he brings it up, you can honestly tell him that you need time to think about it and let it go.

Only communicate w/him about the children and any emergencies that arise. As for chit chat w/him, keep it short, but civil, and get off the phone or email after a few minutes. You are a busy woman and you do not need to listen to all of his chit chat. The more he sees you distancing yourself and going about your business...the more he'll contact you and show interest in what you are doing.

The best things to do are: go dim, my a little mysterious about what you are doing w/your life, no relationship talks, listen and validate, no divorce talks, and above all else, pray and dig deeper for patience.

Keep the focus on you and your children and allow the man upstairs to work on your h.

[praying_in_GA]

I'm Sorry!!! I'm in a strange place. Will do!!

So, if I started doing some 1800 I would continue the happy / positive / open to new things attitude. This is an awesome one for not only DB but also as an in general life rule. Another huge 180 would be to show more affection, kisses, love, etc... However this goes directly against everything right now.