I'm back again 4 years later

[praying_in_GA]

Well, this program worked for me 4 years ago. Unfortunately I find myself back here again.

He will be 36 this year. I will be 33. Our kids are 8, 6, and 2. We have been together for 14 years and married for 11 years this August.

His last time around was "I love you but...." This time isn't any different. He said when we got back together it was good but not great. Then our surprise 3rd baby came along and things are falling apart. He hasn't been happy for years. He wants to be able to go out and do what makes him happy.

I don't even know what else to type right now. I am going to crack open my books again and start reading everything over again. I just don't know if it will work this time.

[tbm4evr]

Praying for you here too. This is my first time going through this and I would not wish this on anyone, let alone for the second time. I wish you all the best. Be strong.

[unbidden]

Hi, praying, my best to you. I DBd my marriage a few years back as well. We've hit a rough patch recently as my H has kidney cancer and has naturally been on a roller coaster of emotions with that. At least you know what you have to do and that it can be done.

[praying_in_GA]

He is going to live here a while. He is unwilling to say we are working on things but just a few minutes ago we were talking about this week. I asked him how we are supposed to relate to each other through this "live in separation"...do we watch movies together? Do we do things as individuals living in the same house? He said we could still do things together. We had planned on going on a hike this Sunday. I mentioned that. He said we could still go. I kinda looked at him funny and he said "That's how things start anyway." So. Whatever that means.

I am bringing DB to work with me tonight to start reading. Any pointers on a live in separation of sorts? He isn't moving out. He doesn't want to work on it but he doesn't seem totally against the idea of going through the motions.

[unbidden]

I think you should just keep it light and breezy and positive for awhile. No R talk. Just let things be and not ask how it's supposed to be or what it's supposed to look like. I know it's hard but pressure is not our friend right now. Also, you might want to check out the Laura Munson book "This is not the story you think it is . . . " Be strong. We're all here behind you.

[praying_in_GA]

I think that is exactly where my mind was going this morning. I was doom and gloom when I woke up but his "That's how things start anyway" made me a little brighter. I don't want to get too much hope built up though!!

I think stepping back, re-reading DB, following the steps, and lightening the mood around here will be a good thing.

We are in separate bedrooms and have been for a while now. It started when my youngest was a baby and he started nursing school. He didn't want to wake us up so he slept in another room. We recently moved. Now he has his bedroom on the 2nd floor and his own bathroom. I have the mast on the 1st floor. So we are already living separately in a way.

[unbidden]

Yes, start where you are and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You've done this before with success so you have a good track record. Keep that in mind. You know this can work.

Whereabouts in GA are you, btw?

[praying_in_GA]

I am 30 min south of Atlanta.

I know exactly what happened. I (we) slipped back into old habits. Things went right back to where they were during the last separation. I should have seen it coming. I even made notice that things were falling again. Damn it.

He is still wearing his ring and I suspect he will until he moves out. When that will happen....who knows.

[Duds3]

Hang in there and prayers your way. Similar situation here but W has filed for D and seems to be moving on with giving it any thoughts. Seems to have the same mindset you described in your H, wants to be to come and go as she pleases with no one to be attached too. Sad in all regards. My W told me before the happiest se has ever been in her life was when both of us were giving to our R and we were at our highest point. Now she's sayin she just wants to be happy and not be the miserable W that just stays in a M to stay in one. Says being by herself is what will make her happy.

I'm new here but don't bring up R talk. If I could do DBing over again I know the outcome would be different. When you bring up R talk it all is them to vent and say negative things freely and without consequence. I realize now my W might have never said anything about our R if I wouldn't have brought the subject up. Not sure if her not talking would have been a good thing or bad thing. I suppose it would be better than things are now.

Hang in there and do your best

[AnotherStander]

Then our surprise 3rd baby came along and things are falling apart. He hasn't been happy for years. He wants to be able to go out and do what makes him happy.

As a dad of 3 I can relate a bit to what he's saying, I remember when our 3rd (who was a "surprise" like yours, although "shock and awe" might actually describe it better, LOL!) came along I went through a phase of feeling trapped, caged in. And with your youngest being two, well they don't call it the "terrible twos" for nothing! But I knew that in my case it was something I had to deal with within myself though, and slowly I started seeing the positives instead of focusing only on the negatives.

DB'ing is all about giving your spouse time and space and it sounds like he could use that right now. Hopefully he'll do some soul-searching and change his mind. Good luck!