Hi. I am new to this site, but have found it very helpful! His affair started when I was 5 months pregnant. The first hint came in October (7 months pg @ that time), we were on vacation & I heard him on my cell phone & confronted him. They work together & he gave me the usual mumbo jumbo about friend from work. Big fight, he comforted me & all was on the way to working again. I believed him because NEVER in a MILLION years would have ever put him in this situation. We have always been the cute & happy couple everyone envied!!! How did this happen?? I have met a professional home wrecker!! In November, the OW called my house over & over (10 times) in one night; hanging up on me. The last time she called she demanded to talk to my h. I told her to leave him alone that he was married & had a baby on the way. When I hung up I told him that he needed to call her & END whatever was between them. He wouldn't. We argued all night! The next morning we agreed he needed some space to clear his head, so he went to stay at his parents. That weekend I started having contractions. I didn't know it because they didn't hurt. On Tuesday, I went in for a stress test & they sent me straight over to the hospital. He moved home when I came home from the hospital & he said it was over & that he was excited to be together & to be a family...aahh RELIEF!!! Short lived!! I started to feel like something was wrong again when he went back to work almost 3 weeks later. In January, I found letters in his truck from her talking very painfully about their s** life. I promptly packed his stuff & took it to his parents, told them what was going on (we didn't tell them in Nov.) & told them they could deal with him. At this time our baby was only 5 weeks old. He has been so confused & messedup, that he has never really bonded w/ his own baby! In her letters the OW goes on & on about being my babies step mom & how all she needs for her life to be complete is her girls, my h & MY BABY!!! That almost sent me over the edge! He did try to end the affair (I got this from her letters) after the baby was born. The OW went on & on about how awful I was & how much he was sacrificing staying w/me. I started to believe all the awful things she said about me! I truly started to believe my baby would be better w/ them!! She said she could deal w/ him being @ home if he would just make time for her or at least call her. Ok, this woman is 38 (my h is 29), she is married (2nd time, m when she met her current h & had e/a during both m's) & has 3 girls (16, 14 - in jail, & 12). There is a girl @ my daycare that saw me upset & asked the ladies if it was a certain girl. Her h used to work at the same place as my h & apparently she went through the SAME THING W/ THE SAME WOMAN at the same time in her pregnancy!!!! They survived & that is my goal. This woman is CRAZY!!! I read all the emotions on this site & I feel almost normal! I thought I was losing my mind!! Now he is living w/ the OW & we have been back & forth on what he "wants". Some days he loves me, others he's not "in love" w/me. This book has been a tremendous help! I have been doing the cheese less tunnel thing since January. I have no patients in this situation & sometimes I feel like just filing for d. My mom has been our biggest supporter, I talk to her when I find myself frustrated & I could do damage to any progress we have made (moving me away from my goal). They no longer work the same shift, so hopefully we can now make some real progress!! I do love him w/ all my heart & soul & I know my baby is better w/ a complete family, when I look at her it gives me strength to go on & FIGHT the good fight!! This is just tough!! Sorry for the long post, I just have lots to say & it is hard to find people to talk to that TRULY understand!!
My H also had (or has, who knows?) an A so I can relate to what you are going through. What I cannot imagine is going through all this while pregnant!! I'm glad you have your mom to help you get by.
Sounds like she's a gal guys don't stick with, and if her D is in jail, I'd doubt her parenting. Don't make bonding with the baby such a milestone. Some guys don't until the baby is more reactive. My H didn't bond until our son was a toddler, and now he values that relationship very much. Patience is the watchword. You need to bite your tongue, keep your questions quiet or tempered, and be ready to wait. If it helps, numbers are on your side! Can the gal whose H had an A with the same OW give you any insight? Would you feel comfortable talking to her?
Yes. I wrote out my goals & until this weekend we were making progress. We have been talking and trying to work on us (h is still living w/OW). Then on Saturday night I went to return some library books & saw them outside of their work together. We had just had a wonderful evening & I guess he had to take her something. I had no way of knowing he would be there. He followed me home & assured me that nothing had changed & that he was still wanting to work on us & that he would see me the next day @ 5. Well, 5 rolls around & he calls to tell me he is going to dinner w/ his family (sisters b-dy). Our baby had been screaming for the last hour & a half (not very normal she is typically a wonderful baby), so I was looking forward to his help & was not very nice when he said he wouldn't be over. I know I set us back. I know my actions didn't get me closer to my goals, I was just so frustrated!!! I went to see him after they got back & apologized, that is all I can do. He assured me that we hadn't moved too far back & that he understood. I know I did some damage, I just don't know how to fix it. Any help is appreciated!!! My baby deserves to have a complete family!!
doesn't sound like you did too much damage...you were frustrated becuase the baby was crying and were looking forward to a little relief via help from him...you explained that and h assured you that you have not moved back too much...cut yourself some slack...and keep in mind for next time...it may be best when you are feeling like lashing out at him to not answer the phone...it's ok to let the machine pick it up and then you can return the call when you are in a better frame of mind...or at least can pretend to be.
I am also worried because he was supposed to call this am when he got to school (going to peace officers school through work) & he is not at school. He is supposed to come over tonight to see our daughter & I am worried he won't show. I will do my best to act as if nothing happened & be happy. He won't be able to not show again after this week & we talked about that last night. I sold my house & am moving to an apartment & he doesn't know which one. I am trying to start my life over at a place with no memories because is seems like he will never leave the OW. If we meet it will have to be at his parents or out in public. I did find out that she is a very dominating person & maybe he just isn't strong enough any more. He made the comment not too long ago that he wondered how he became so weak, that he had always been a very strong person. I assured him that he still was...not too sure anymore what to do!! I love him so much & sometimes he seems like he is coming around, but then things like last night happen. Last night he asked me what I would do if he was camped out on my doorstep when I returned from my business trip. I just wish he actually meant it!! Before last night he had been talking more about us working it out & that we were not going to get a divorce. Now I just don't know! I just have a bad feeling about how things ended last night & that he didn't go to school today. I have read your posts & you have wonderful advice, please help!
I have tried to get her to talk to me, but she has no interest. She feels like it is a time in her life she needs to leave in the past. I can't say that I blame her. I am trying to be patient. The bonding issue is a big deal for us, he started planning her future 3 years before she was even conceived. He is (or was) a VERY family oriented man! We waited so long to have her so he wouldn't miss anything about the process (he was in the Army). He is having a real hard time with the fact he has missed so much. He has told me more than once that he doesn't feel like she is his because he has missed so much of her little life! This woman is just awful! I found out this weekend that she is a very dominating person. H has expressed interest in leaving her & making us work, but he just can't explain why he can't leave her house. I am trying to be patient, but I am getting tired of this sitch!!!
You are right. I will step back & think about things before I act. H is supposed to come over tonight & when he gets there I will be happy & the woman he fell in love with. I know he wasn't at school because the academy is two blocks away from where I work & I have to drive by it each day. I promise...no snooping, just coincidence! It has made this hard though, being so close to where the school is. Then I know each time he isn't there!! This school is a big thing for his career, I hate to see him ruin it (not the first time he has missed), it affects our future should we work it out!! This is part of work; so missing school is like missing work. He was accepted to this school early because of his prior work history, which has also gone downhill since all this started. I just hate to see how many ways the OW has changed him. In all the 13 years I have known him, he has NEVER missed work!! He lies all the time, drinks A LOT, and looks miserable! I am doing my best to help him (when he asks) but it seems like when we begin to make progress something happens! He has ALWAYS been as dependable as the sun coming up & going down & now we can't count on ANYTHING from him! It is just frustrating! I love him & want more in life for him than this awful woman! I know if we divorced, we would both be miserable in the end!! I will work on myself & family & let him figure it all out himself. Thanks & any advice you can offer is GREATLY appreciated!!!
Quote: I will work on myself & family & let him figure it all out himself.
truly that is the best thing you can do for him..and yourself.
Quote: I know he wasn't at school because the academy is two blocks away from where I work & I have to drive by it each day.
aaahhh, but you don't have to look to see if his car is there...
Quote: now we can't count on ANYTHING from him! It is just frustrating!
I know it's difficult but learn NOT to depend on him for anything...learn to do as much as you can on your own...let him fill in the gaps when he can but make it so you are independant. (fyi, I was left to care for two kiddos under 3...yes h did come to visit a few times a week but the bulk of the work was left to lil ole me)
