Same Song, Different Verse

[StilH2O]

Thanks for the input!

I think that DR, and Sandi's rules, both say not to bring up anything pushy or remotely-R related so I would not bring that topic up. I would just make the changes and note to yourself what works and what doesn't. You are definitely on the right track though.

Actually in DR, Step 2 (Chapter 3) is Know What You Want. This is where you are supposed to set your goals and they need to be refined so that they are positively stated, action-oriented and small & manageable.

Then Step 3 (Chapter 4) is Ask for What You Want. Here it talks about sharing your goals with your spouse and when and how to do so. However it does say that if your marriage is dangling by a thread, that you shouldn't ask your spouse for anything.

So I guess I'm not sure where my marriage is at this point. She is going to see the MC (albeit by herself at least for now) and she hasn't said that she will not work on the marriage, just that she doesn't know if she wants it to work or not. She has moved out because she thinks that will help her figure that out and I'm trying to give her the space to do so. Would that be considered "dangling by a thread"?

As far as making changes and trying different things, because we don't live together, it is difficult to tell what is working and what isn't.

[StilH2O]

We had our Tuesday evening dinner last night. Nothing big, just friendly conversation and catching up on the week as well as this upcoming weekend.

Our hometown high school boys are in the small school state basketball tournament, which starts Thursday. It is held about an hour away from where we live and every year that our school has qualified for the past several years (since our kids have been in high school) we have always made a mini vacation out of it.

D17 and some of her friends and I will be staying at the team hotel for the weekend, just hanging out, watching basketball, shopping and enjoying the time away from work and school. Unfortunately, S21 can't go due to college and work schedule. W at first said she was going to drive back and forth instead of staying but now her sister has her convinced to stay so they got their own room. I offered for them to stay in our room so they could save some money but I don't think she is comfortable with that even though I told her we didn't have to share a bed or anything. So, not sure how much time we'll spend together, but it' will be a good time with or without her.

The dinner conversation overall was very good. Nice hug and a polite kiss before we left. Following the advice I got, I did decide not to share my short-term relationship goals with her yet. Think I'm gonna wait a few weeks and see how/if things progress before taking that step.

Just a few more pages left in DR. Really good stuff in there. I hate to sound cold, but I'm almost glad she moved out, at least for now. It's been a lot easier detaching without her in the same bed/house even though we were more like roommates. I just found it hard to follow all the DB rules when she was that close.

She is out of town for work overnight tonight, which is generally pretty difficult for me to keep my mind from wandering since those occasions are when all the physical meetings occurred during her A, but I'm getting better at not worrying about what she's doing. I don't think anything is still going on but I've pretty much come to realize that my worrying is not going to change anything if she decides to go down that road again.

Anyway, still working on the things I need to work on for me and keeping a PMA. D17's first softball game is Monday and even though I'll be seeing W at most games, it will be something else to focus on. Sorry for the long-winded post but thanks for letting me vent.

[StilH2O]

So I just finished reading DR for the first time. I plan on reading at through another time or two in the near future.

Does anybody have any recommendations on if it would be helpful or not to also read the original DB book? I've heard it contains a lot if the same principles.

Thanks in advance for any input.

[StilH2O]

So the weekend went pretty well for me but not necessarily for us together.

As mentioned above, state high school basketball tournament was this weekend and D17 and I stayed in team hotel and attended games. W and her sister ended up deciding not to stay and ended up making the drive to watch the games each day. I saw and spoke to W several times but we did not go to the games together.

One of the evenings evening I went to a Darius Rucker concert with S21. I purchased these tickets way back in October with the intent of taking W for part of her birthday present (not that it matters but at that time I thought the state basketball tourney was last weekend, or I probably wouldn't have bought them). After the Bomb Drop I told her about the tickets and she said that she already had tickets and was planning to go with her sister and a couple of their friends. I thought about selling my tickets, but decided to go anyway and ended up taking S21 to the concert. Had a great time. Again, we did see W and her sister and friends there, but we did not ride to or sit together there.

Our local high school team did end up winning the championship and we went out to eat with the team afterwards. We sat together at the restaurant with her sister and a few of our friends. Also went to a social at the coaches house upon returning from tournament. We both went but, again, not together.

I went to church this morning but I guess she was too tired from the weekend's activities and didn't go. I haven't talked to her today.

Still been trying to GAL and not let my activities be affected by W. Also trying to keep up PMA and 180s. We haven't discussed anything about our relationship in a couple weeks. We both still have individual appointments with MC and Tuesday and Wednesday, respectively, and I also expect that we will have our weekly Tuesday evening dinner.

[StilH2O]

Still haven't heard any advice on whether reading DB would be helpful since I've already read DR?

A little bit of a surprise last night.... We have a routine of visiting my parents and eating dinner with them on Sunday evenings. This has been pretty much standard since the kids were really young. We usually just grab pizza or some kind of takeout but occasionally my mom will make something simple instead.

While neither my parents (nor her parents) know all the specific details, they all know the just of what led up to the BD, including the A, and how things have gone from there. Needless to say, W has been very uncomfortable being around my parents. The only times she has been to their house since they found out about the BD and related issues, I have had to specifically ask her to join us, and even then she has declined more often than not. So for the last couple weeks I have stopped asking.

Anyway, on Sunday, D17 and I were sitting in my parents' living room having a good chat with them when W texted D17 to say that she would be joining us and would stop to pick up dinner if we would let her know what we were hungry for. I know I shouldn't read too much into this but she has always been really close with my parents (they treat her like she was their own daughter and still love her very much) so I was glad that she felt comfortable enough to join us without being coerced to do so.

D17 had season-opening softball game tonight. A little sad really as she is a senior and this was her last "first game of the season." The game was out of town and both W and I attended, but drove separately. She said she was just going to meet me there because she had a doctor's appointment this afternoon and was afraid she would be late for the game. Conversation with her at the game was pleasant and we talked about a lot of different things, but no relationship talk.

It bugs me a little that she has never said if there has been any contact with OM since the text exchange from several weeks ago. I have been curious if there has been any contact and, if there was, if she had told him that there could be no more contact from this point forward, but I have refrained from asking her about it. I'm not sure she would tell me if there had been contact, even if I asked, especially if there had been contact and she had not instituted NC with him. At some point I will probably ask about it, as I just can't see any way to move forward if there is still any kind of contact between them, but it would probably just make her mad for me to even ask, whether or not there has been contact, so right now I'm trying not to spend a lot of time thinking about that.

[Scorp7]

If you have already read DR then I don't think you will get much new out of DB. IMO, DR is basically an updated version of DB that goes into more detail.

It sounds like you have a lot of positives in your sitch. Good luck! If you are already reading DR then that's a great start. I only wish I would have read it that early in my own sitch.

[StilH2O]

Thanks Scorp. Been keeping up with your thread. Wishing you the best!