Emotional Affair & a W.A.S.

[trc2009]

So many of us here are L.B.S.'s.

Many of you have a W.A.S. who you have found was having a P.A. or E.A.

In my case, I do not have any reason to believe that my wife is having a P.A. Although, I can't rule it out unless I do some serious spying, but I don't want to go down that road at all. But that's not something I want to do. While my wife has said she is leaning toward divorce (just yesterday), she inidcated that it wasn't her "final decision." Which does give hope. Plus, it would be really hard for her to hide a P.A. In our town, stuff would have come out of the woodwork by now if something has been going on for a while.

That being said, I know my wife texts her friends constantly. And I know she's been in touch with several of her "old" friends from before we were together. Which all & all isn't a bad thing. BUT....she was really good friends with a guy that has lived and still lives several States away.

A little background. They didn't really "date" in high school but were good friends, went to prom together, and have had sex (way before we even knew each other so stuff like that does not make me that jealous. I've known that stuff for years and it never bothered me).

Long story short, he went to jail for a couple of years and literally just got out of prison about 6 weeks ago. She didn't tell me anything about him getting out and that she was contacting him via Facebook. Not a huge deal, but I asked her why the sudden interest? She said she just wanted to see how he was doing and if he was okay. No harm in that I guess. A few weeks go by and our problems start to heat up. I notice text messages being shared. Which led to me confronting her about it. Obviously she was mad that I "spied" on her and she said that he's just trying to pull his life together and she told him that if he ever needed someone to talk to she would be there. She said I should "trust her" to know when things are going too far. Not a whole lot I could say.

After about another week of fighting we separated. At this point, I gave up command of our cell phone account because I didn't want her to feel like she was being spied on (good thing/bad thing).

Well, I know for a fact that they do talk a lot per some of the stuff they post on Facebook. Nothing major, just little comments. I confronted her about 10 days ago about whether or not she was having an EA. She said no, that they don't really "talk," just exchange texts.

After doing my reading with DR/DB and spending a lot of time here, I came to the realization that she's a W.A.S.

My question is this, I don't think she's lying to me about things being innocent with him, they're just "friends." But I do think she's a little blinded in regards to this guy. Is it possible for a W.A.S.'s mind being so out of whack that they're having an EA with someone and really not realizing it?

She knows that there's no future with this guy. She's not dumb. He's fresh out of prison, one of his crimes involved endangering a child. So if she does pursue something, the kids will be mine (at least I hope she's rationalized that).

Any W.A.S. experts that can elaborate on this? I've addressed this a little in my thread. I've actually gotten to a point where I can detach, 180, and apply a lot of the DR techniques to some effect so far. But this is one thing I just can't get out of my head. Maybe it's human nature to read into things because you don't want an EA or PA to catch you off guard. But this may be the most challenging thing for me.

Here's my thread if you'd like more explanation of my situation.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2430024&page=all

[KGirl]

Not an expert, but YES, they could have an EA and not realize it, because that's what happened w/ my WAH. A couple weeks after BD (before I was DBing!) I pushed him hard on "Why would you just leave without talking about it? There must be someone else?" He said he wasn't having an affair and I kept pushing... "Maybe there's someone that you've been talking with that you share things w/ that you used to share with me?" THEN it came out "well, there's this woman at work I've been talking to. She's really nice, she's cute, she listens to me and I listen to her, we have things in common to talk about, blah blah blah". When I described an emotional affair he said "Well, I guess that could be what it is..." In my reading, a key aspect that moves it from friend to EA is the secretive nature. If she was truly just a friend I would have heard about her before. He also knows there is not likely a future with this person (she's married, has kids, pregnant actually right now, has made no indication to H that H is anything more than friend much less considering leaving her own H!) but still maintains communication with her. It could also be a one-sided EA which makes it harder to recognize. I don't have much advice for you beyond letting it go.. you can't control her interactions with him. Their "friendship" is out in the open, so to speak, so perhaps losing the secretive-ness will help. It may be obvious to you there's no future with this guy, but maybe not to her. She has to see it on her own. I would liken it to a teenager who wants to date the "bad boy" even MORE when her parents try to prevent her from doing so, even if she may know it's not the best idea. You just want to do it even more when someone tells you you can't. So, don't be the one telling her she can't and maybe the excitement/intrigue will die out!

[trc2009]

Since DB'ing the last few weeks, I've let the subject die on my end of things. Social media certainly makes things interesting though. Our parents, brothers, sisters, and some select friends know we're separated. It's FAR from public knowledge (although I assume some people know something isn't right).

But I know her family and I know them well. I have initiated no contact with them at all. Now that things are being posted on Facebook, I can deduce with pretty good certainty that they are pretty confused why she'd be talking to another guy while separated from her spouse even if it is just innocent. It would be bordering on inappropriate even if we were not having problems given his track record. Honestly, now that it's pretty clear that she is communicating with him, I'll let her family and others do that dirty work. My brother-in-law and even her mother texted me after they started posting stuff on Facebook to see how I was doing. They never mentioned anything about OM but there is clearly a reason why they waited three weeks after the separation to finally check in on me. They're probably searching for clues too because they won't get anything from her. She'll just tell them enough keep the pressure off herself.

If for some reason she does file for divorce, then the truth will come out. The cell phone bill is in my name and I can walk into the cell phone store and get pretty much anything I want (other than the contents of the texts). But I will give her EVERY opportunity to tell me before I do that. But all bets are off if she says she's filing. Because then I have to worry about my kids. If she's legitimately pursuing something with this guy, I will take every step necessary that they never set foot in his presence. It may make her resentful and upset with me and make the marriage completely unsalvagable, but one thing I decided a few weeks ago is that the kids come first, the marriage comes second.