Is staying married a problem for you or are you concerned about how other people might view you?
Truthfully, I think I am exactly where I need to be right now, but I think other people judge me. And I've always been too worried about what other people think. I was raised where appearances were a huge deal, but the family I grew up with was different behind closed doors. I don't talk about my situation that much anymore irl because everyone tells me I need to move on, or my favorite "it's been almost 2 years!" said with exasperation, like yeah, I know.
So I'll add that to my list of things to talk to my IC about tomorrow. I've been giving myself deadlines since the time he left. Then my timeline comes and goes.. now I give myself a little grace and say that I'll reevaluate where I am at such & such time. But I've had in the back of my mind that I owe my marriage at least awhile longer. My new reevaluation date is our 23 wedding anniversary this summer... who knows.
BUT I think I may have pushed or pulled a little tonight in a negative direction. H came over to look at taxes where we're still filing married/joint. Entering his income, mine, house, deductions, etc we still owe almost 2k. And my comment was 'man, have you thought of what we're going to do for next year?' h answers 'i guess we'll file separately'. I replied with 'that's going to cost a fortune' or something like that. I did not get teary, did not seem even upset about this reality. I think I feel bad for mentioning it, because it's not my true desire. But maybe he thinks it is now... The next hour was light and easy working together, we laughed a little, I asked a couple questions about his apartment - subjects I never would have breached before. But I think it made a real 'i'm okay with this' impression. Then I got up to make dinner & invited him to stay and he said no and packed up & left in minutes.
Taxes still aren't done, so we'll need to continue the chore sometime in the near future. I'm back to wanting to do a temp check and offer AS's revised comments about I still care... I don't know labug, maybe it's a little bit of what people are thinking for why standing is getting harder, and a little because I want resolution so I push and try to manipulate where it would be more prudent to leave things alone. I know if I ask 'do you want to divorce?' now the answer will be yes. I need to find my inner peace and just be, without a decision, for awhile longer.
Jeez, I messed that up bad. Because I'm not really ready to push the envelope and force h into a decision, and mentioning a future divorce status is going to make him react - either in anger, or in further acceptance with our status. What it will NOT do is make him say 'no, I don't want to be divorced next year!' And I know that, but I said it anyways. Or maybe I wanted to slap him with the financial reality. But he knows it without me pushing, and the news won't sink in any better coming from me.
You know where I get really stuck? Two options with different benefits:
1) I'm going to make the best choice for me. And that does not include h in my life anymore. I will finally be 100% my own person, answer only to myself, make decisions that best suit me. I won't care if h works all the time and wastes his money and ignores his kids. Those are his decisions and have nothing to do with me. I'll be liberated and he can suck it.
2) I am going to be long suffering and patient because that is absolutely what I would want h to do for me. That is what is best for my family and I have more to gain than to lose. I like myself better exercising what I define as unconditional love. For h & for my family.
Does anyone relate to these choices? At the beginning, there was only desperation and I was heartsick for my marriage. But now? I'm feeling it's more trouble than it's worth and I may be missing out on an opportunity to really command a life that would bring more fulfillment. Can I have fulfillment in my marriage? Sure, if h & I were both working towards the same goals. I can work towards fulfillment now, and I've come a long ways there on my own. But can I be fulfilled in limbo indefinitely? I don't see how that's possible!
reb, I think most of us have had these questions. It's great that you can state the two options so clearly. Do you have to choose right now? Maybe you could explore keeping both of those options open for awhile. Also, do you really have to be long-suffering while standing for your marriage? Maybe if you re-framed it as more of an opportunity for growth, it might make the choices easier and render them non necessarily mutually-exclusive. Just my thoughts. . .
Maybe I'm still naïve, being very early on in this whole timeline, but I think you're offering a false choice. It doesn't have to be either/or, it can be both. Eventually it probably has to be either/or, but I think you can have a combination statement for a long time, long enough for you to be sure that you are making a rational, emotionless statement.
But let me edit the combined, single choice:
Quote:
1) I'm going to make the best choice for me. And that does not include h in my life anymore.H will not prevent me from making the best choices for me. I will finally be 100% my own person, answer only to myself, make decisions that best suit me. I won't care if h works all the time and wastes his money and ignores his kids. Those are his decisions and have nothing to do with me. I'll be liberated and he can suck it.
I am going to be long suffering and patient because that is absolutely what I would want h to do for me. That is what is best for my family and I have more to gain than to lose. I like myself better exercising what I define as unconditional love. For h & for my family.
If you are doing what's best for you, why would you consider yourself to be suffering? And don't this because of what you would want someone else to do. Do it because you believe it's the right thing to do. And if you don't believe it's the right thing, then either figure out why you don't believe that, or just don't do it.
Again, this is kind of where I sit these days. I'm at peace with it. I'm doing what I want to do with my life, while at the same time supporting the possibility of R the best way I can, with no expectations, preparing for either outcome. And right now, this approach give me full access to my kids, and maintains everyone's standard of living.
In summary, I guess I'd say - why force a bad decision earlier than you have to, knowing that time has a lot to do with any positive outcome?
Thank you for your replies! I'm grateful for the insight, need to process but first I have a little bit for freaking out left in me, trying to organize my thoughts before ic this afternoon...
So, what I've learned/accepted about H is that he's a runner, runs from his feelings & covers with working and drinking and who knows what else. Since he's left, he has an inconsistent relationship with dds, none with me or other family to keep him centered. His world has been his own interests, his own self hatred, which he's tried to cover up with alcohol... and that state of self loathing makes it easier to work extra because he gets his validation with a huge paycheck and work camaraderie is his only feel-good since rejecting our family. Plus the mlc, the negative feelings associated with me because I want more for him, and he doesn't feel able to live up to that life. I've tried to expect absolutely nothing from him but that has taken maybe a misstep because instead of giving him the breathing room I thought he needed, he absorbed all of his efforts into working too much, his relationship with daughters became even more distant. And now we're to a place where he's maybe starting to try to take care of himself, he's seen me a changed person for over a year now, but still has no outward interest in having anything to do with me. We'll joke around if we see each other, it's always been our nature and I try to keep things casual. But I make no demands on him and am very outwardly appreciative of any help he does offer.
It all boils down to the decision I feel I have to make. Besides the emotional implications I'm been facing the past few days and journaling about here, there's a very real financial implication that I didn't really comprehend until last night when we were looking at our tax situation. All of this running, spare time because he's not with family, he worked SOOOOO much last year! I did not say a word about his W-2. Because that was old me, I'd always beg him 'please don't work so much!' 'spend more time with us, you don't need to accept the overtime'. But it's sinking in... and NOTHING is changing. It's getting worse in our relationship, his relationship with daughters, he's going to either work himself into an early grave, hurt himself on the job, or burn out and never make time for his personal work. We're talking 35% MORE he made last year than 2012. But he says he's broke... and I only got a small portion of his total income for the year. Work is an addiction for him too I believe, there's too many feel-goods to cut back.
And the financial reality is that d18's school loans are in MY name alone. Part of the feelings of feeling super foolish in not ending this marriage is because I'm not protecting myself financially. I know I can and will have to soon, but it's a stress that is fully on my shoulders right now.
And then I want to talk to him - again - and say can't you see what 2013 was like? Is this how you see spending the next 10 years? Working and socializing, while your kids build their own lives without you? D18 is really bitter lately and is tired of never being a priority in his life. But he knows that, he knew it before he left, and it's only got worse. It's funny in a way, the same resentment that built in me because he was gone all of the time has now transferred to our dds for the same reasons. And I've seen it build and fester especially since I don't participate in their relationship anymore. I used to try to create family time to keep a connection, but I stopped doing that last fall and both dds have lost respect and a close relationship with him completely.
So here's what I've learned with alanon, I can't make him be sober, I can't make him want a relationship with me or be a better father. I see the harm though, and I have such empathy because I still believe this isn't what he wants. Do I protect myself financially? Emotionally? Take control & truly move on & hope that someday he figures it out on his own? Do I try to see if he'll consider changing for our family one more time... but why would he change? He doesn't love me anymore, the love he has for his own daughters isn't a big enough motivating factor... and then I think, is it really my place to ask him to change? I've worked so hard to be accepting of myself and others. Maybe he's as happy as a clam & this is his true calling, to be a workaholic and not the family man he's professed to be for the past 20 years. And if he changes for anyone instead of because he wants a different life, then nothing will really change at all.
Please don't judge, this is the mess in my head, unedited.
It's been a tough week, where I'm wrestled with the conflicting thoughts in my head and am left to deal with more reality. No contact from H and increasing posts on instagram with him 'stalking' a new female friend. And, he has finally changed his fb relationship status to separated. Mine still says married... this is reality.
It didn't work.
The sad thing about it all is that as the stages of my personal growth have developed, my faith grew. And I really believed that I would be rewarded for my faith and when I finally got to that place where I actually liked myself and accepted myself more than probably ever in my life - I thought THAT was the final goal line. And now the rewards would come flooding in. Yes, living with the version of yourself and not minding that is a reward enough, but everyone here hopes for the reward of being loved for who they are from their spouse. For me, when I finally get to that long fought for place, H is pulling away now more than ever.
The reality is also that he has chosen to run, chosen to feel tickled by shallow flattery instead of true emotions. He was not brave or strong enough to even respect me even a little and deal with our marriage he's been avoiding for so long now.
I feel like I'm going to react and be permanently done. I recognize that, especially at this stage with his new female 'friend', that that will probably push him into another ow. My reasons for not wanting to react is because I would like to have our marriage end in a neutral place, without any outside interference. But he's cowardly and lonely, I don't see that happening if I 'wait it out' as I've been trying to do.
I think I felt this coming. And I've been smooth as glass on the outside, pma, outwardly confident and moving on with my life. But it didn't work. It gave him just enough permission to move on with his life too. He tries to text our dds a couple times a week, saw d16 for 5 min last week, and this is the accepted version of what I've allowed to happen in our family. I'm truly glad I've learned what I have and didn't file for divorce right away. I felt better when I had grace in my heart and compassion for his pain. But at the end of the day it didn't work. Right now I'm thinking that I could have lived with the b*tch version of myself if I had filed right away, easier than I could live with the sucker version of myself that allowed my dds and me to be so devalued. I hope that changes and I can make peace with how these past almost 2 years have transpired.
Perhaps you are being rewarded, but you're looking in the wrong place.
You haven't allowed anything to happen that I see. People do what they do, the only thing you control is you and your reactions. I'm not understanding why you now feel so devalued. How could you have stopped him from moving on? What is your biggest fear right now?
How do you know about he instagram thing?
What's best for reb right now?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
