My wife walked out (WAW) on 1/26/14, 2/10/14 moving into an apartment. She tells me our marriage is a charade. She says she needs to reevaluate our relationship. She says that she doesn’t want a divorce and will have to see where this goes. I love with you, but I am not in love with you. I am beginning the process of working to be a better person. She has been very angry, and then she disengaged with me the last year. I crawled in hole and stayed there. It seemed at the time better than engaging as it was better than arguing about things I had done and said I was sorry for. We have been married 21 years and we have had our ups and downs. I am 52 years old and she is 51. We have a 15 year old daughter who is here at home with me. So far she has not suggested taking our daughter with her just that the kids should not have to suffer for our transgressions. So I am beginning the work on me efforts. We do talk and she is totally straightforward that she thinks we are not good for each other. That I am emotionally unavailable and unable to love. She has unplugged from the marriage as well and has taken responsibility for her portion of how this came about as well. I am beginning to deal with this emotionally although it’s hard not to slip back into depressed state even though I have worked at accepting the divorce is eminent and to let go! That is the hardest part as I do love her dearly. My questions are many but I’ll ask the big ones and let you folks provide any advice you can provide. I tried being friendly and rational and disinterested and that does help, however I had a hard time when she moved temporarily to her friends for two weeks until the apartment became available today. It was tough seeing her so I asked for some time and separation. It just tears me up emotionally to see her. Is that wrong? I am trying to act as rationally and disinterested as possible in aftermath of the split. I have talked to her about counseling and she is not opposed to it. I don’t want to push though and wonder when I should ask her to go to counseling. I can wait until she is ready. I work and caring for our daughter, cleaning the house and all the other chores take time. I am reading Divorce Remedy and am halfway through the book. Time is a precious commodity and I want to make sure our daughter is not neglected so I spend any time I have with her just being there and doing fun things or whatever she wants. I have also just tried to get my mind off this a bit and have tried just to give myself some space from it so it doesn’t consume me. By the way Sandi2's 37 Rules are great! I am trying to follow! Thanks
Cadet Thanks for the words of encouragement, its hard to stay on track, but I am making progress, no contact in four days! I have started working on me.
Your sitch sounds very similar to my own, is your wife going through perimenopause or menopause?
Originally Posted By: First
I tried being friendly and rational and disinterested and that does help, however I had a hard time when she moved temporarily to her friends for two weeks until the apartment became available today. It was tough seeing her so I asked for some time and separation. It just tears me up emotionally to see her. Is that wrong?
No, it's totally normal. We all go through a full range of emotions, it's basically the same as the grieving process when you lose a close loved one (Google "seven stages of grief" to get an idea of what you'll cycle through). Your emotions are yours and yours alone and there's nothing right or wrong about any of them, they just "are". Just learn to vent/ cry alone and show PMA around others (especially your W).
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I have talked to her about counseling and she is not opposed to it. I don’t want to push though and wonder when I should ask her to go to counseling. I can wait until she is ready.
Forget MC, it won't help, and might hurt things. Invest in a DB coach if you feel you need some counseling. MC should only be pursued if the WAS suggests it and is willing to set it up, but that comes much later.
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I work and caring for our daughter, cleaning the house and all the other chores take time.
That's great, but do it for you, not W. In her eyes anything you do is "too little, too late." Do 180's, but don't expect immediate results. It takes many, many months of changed behavior before a WAS will start to believe the changes.
AnotherStander, wife went through menopause 8 years ago (hysterectomy)maybe MLC? Been GALing and working on me. Wife does not even make contact? No text, phone, anything? Wow this is hard!
AnotherStander, wife went through menopause 8 years ago (hysterectomy)maybe MLC?
Could be, we all come here wanting to "diagnose" our spouse but unfortunately it can be difficult to tell the difference between MLC and WAS. The approach is towards either is pretty much the same though.
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Wife does not even make contact? No text, phone, anything?
That's pretty normal with a WAS. I had lunch with a buddy of mine that's reconciling with his W, they barely spoke for two YEARS. He figured she was gone and it was time to move on and he did just that. Then out of the blue she invited him to go see a movie. It was still a good 6 months after that before they got romantic again, but she recently told him that she knew at that movie that she was in love again. So you never know what the future holds.
W came over for taxes today sat with our accountant, still distant. I was proud of myself courteous, friendly and ended our visit me saying goodbye. I was proud that each time I get stronger and less effected by fear or my emotions. I am working out three nights a week, and GLAing!
Wife came over to sign tax preparer’s paperwork and mail off for returns. She asked how much are we getting back. I told her the amount and that she would get 1500 to buy the washer/dryer for her apartment she said she needed. She started arguing that she should get half I explained my position, she walked out mad. Called her and told her I don’t want to argue about 400 dollars, I will split it evenly. She came back to the house (had forgot her mail) and told me crying “I contribute!” I told her I never thought she didn’t. She got in her car crying you have a lot to learn you just don’t understand. Tough day, not sure what else I’m supposed to fix since I’m the one who’s broke here and needs fixing. I am GAL and am making lots of positive changes it just sux when WAS comes back just to slam you some more. I have a bit of trouble with her and our business. I am an engineer working lots of hours. We have never agreed on how to run the business. One of my first 180’s is to agree with her on the business and not criticize and tell her she is doing well. I have given up her closing the business and in the past I have been a boob when it comes to our business she takes that over into our relationship. I used to go into telling mode on how she should run the business and that recently we should close it. As for closing the business it has not been doing well and she agrees, and that she will make more as a beautician than running a salon/AKA the business. Anyways I’ve given that up and don’t quite know what to do with it. The only contact she has made in a month is to tell me something about the business, and ask if I wanted to take a more active role. I told her I am giving her and I space right now and that I trust her totally with the business and she has doing a great job. Anyways I want trying to live by Sandi2’s 37 rules and mindful of rule #1.
