I've been married 19+ years and have tried about everything I can think of to get my wife more interested in sex. I've read relationship books and researched female sexuality in detail. The fact is that when we have sex, she loves the emotional intimacy and has great orgasms, and then she is satisfied for a long, long time.
She knows that I am much more sexual than she is, and she knows that it is painful for me to go without sex for weeks and sometimes months on end. And she can point to unfulfilled desires that she has, such as living on a farm or whatever, that she is content to just live with. So that is that, I have no comeback.
I have always been faithful, but I finally made the choice to look for a woman who would be interested in a no-strings, discreet, physical relationship. It didn't take long, I was surprised to find. She has been married for over 12 years and her husband has no drive whatsoever. She described to me her sexual frustration and it mirrors mine. She also loves her husband and has no desire to end the marriage; I feel the same about my marriage.
So last week I took the plunge and met her for an hour. We instantly connected and had ravenous, incredible sex for an hour. It was exactly what I had always imagined sex should be, I can't believe what I've been missing all these years.
And sleeping next to my wife that night was so relaxed and pleasant. She didn't have to push me away and I didn't feel frustrated.
So I have now just found this site because I was curious if other spouses have matched up this way. It seems like the perfect solution to my problems, but I guess I realize that I could also destroy my family should the truth come out.
But why should it be that way? Why is this type of relationship not allowed in society? Why can't this be the solution to sexual frustration? It feels like it is saving my marriage, not destroying it. So go ahead, please tell me why I am wrong (or right) and why.
It just seems like I am happier than I've been in a long, long time. Can this really be a bad thing I'm doing?
WNC: I'll bet you get lots of responses to this new thread. There are loads of folks, including me, who are sexually starved by their spouses and many of them are the midst of divorce as a way of ending the pain. But as for your questions. Why not? Well let me say that 19 years ago you made a vow. That vow was a promise. Sounds somewhat like a pious moral judement. You bet. How about an alternative, discuss the arrangement with both the affected spouses prior to the liasion? How do you think they would respond or react?
On the other hand I see this as a perfectly acceptable arrangement where everyone gets what they need. Or do they? There are all sorts of pitfalls for this sort of arrangement. One of the most serious is for you. You will have to come to terms with the quilt and shame eventually, you will be found out, what do you tell your kids, what sort of declination are you setting for their moral compass, how would you like the newspaper headline to read for your obit -- His penis conquered his brain.
Oh yes I can empathize with your frustration, having been married to the refrigerator for 23 years, I just wish I had your moxy. My problem is I have five young ladies to raise and I want them to always respect me and want a husband like me they can count on when times get tough. But what the hell, can your share any hot phone numbers -- no commitment just hot sex - I could use it. GEOBUCK
GB, I did think long and hard (ummm...) before going this route. My marriage vows included "to have and to hold" and that vow has also been broken. But I want to grow old with my wife, in sickness and in health, for rich or poor; be grandparents together, complain about our aches and pains, all of that. Actually, I love her so much I don't want to keep pestering her with my libido. It makes her unhappy.
What about the headlines? I wouldn't want any of the last 19 years in the news, either. "Grown Man Cries Over Lack of Sex". The heck with that. Nobody wants their kids to be privy to their sex life, even if it is harmonious and faithful. If my "hobby" is discovered, I can explain to my eldest son (grown and away from home) that Dad tried for almost two decades to make it work. But there is a thing called a private life; there is nothing but emotional hurt for those who do not understand the history.
Truthfully? I would love to introduce my wife to the other woman's husband. She loves dogs and gardening. He loves dogs and gardening. They could discuss ground cover while walking around the park; we could be shagging like no tomorrow. Why doesn't this work? Because our culture says it is wrong. But maybe it is our culture that is wrong...
Maybe I'm trying to hard to justify my actions, I have been conditioned to believe I am wrong, and I lived that way for a long, long time. Is there a better solution? What is it?
I am no one to judge you, but I don't think I would ever make the choice you have made. It would hurt ME too much to know I was not faithful to my wife and my commitment to her. I value my own sense of honor too much. Maybe this sounds strange but I think if it came to it I would get a D before I would have an A.
FredD
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
My wife actually told me in all seriousness and sincerity that she didn't want me to leave but that I should get a lover to get my sexual needs met because as much as she wants me to be happy she can't help me with that area. She says that she's forced herself to have sex with me thinking that "just doing it" would get her in the mood. In those moments she says she hates it, she feels like she's consenting to rape.
I feel mostly like my marriage is working well. Let's say my fantasy came true and we spent 30 minutes every day having sex. That's just slightly more than 2% of the day. Do the math. And that is for a very hot and heavy sex life.
Raising kids, shopping, planning vacations, cleaning, cooking, yardwork, movies, on and on and on. Our days are filled with so many things that we do as a couple. I'm not greedy, I will settle for one percent. That's like 45 minutes twice a week. In exchange, she can ask me to do any task of her choosing, 45 minutes, twice a week.
She says I am treating her like a prostitute, trying to pay her to have sex. I love how smart she is, but man does she know how to quickly shut down my logic.
Then I get a call from the OW, she says please come and do me, I can't take another day of masturbation. "Not now, I'm trying to pay my wife to have sex with me."
While I'm certainly no expert...I have learned a thing or two about this problem.
Lack of sexual desire in a woman is RARELY about sex. It could be about lack of intimacy, low self esteem, hormone imbalance, old wounds, childhood trauma, or many other things.
I have found that great sex is only the tip of the iceburg. This iceburg needs to be nurtured, made to feel special, made to feel LISTENED TO and HEARD without judgements, felt loved ALL week...not just in the BR or for a day. She needs to be courted.
What was different in the beginning of the relationship that made her actually lust for you ? Have you gotten into a boring routine when she does make love to you ? Same old lines......same old everything ?
Do you take a shower before making advances? Do you wear the same cologne as you did 5 years ago? Has all of it gotten old to her ?
Do you REALLY know if she reaches orgasm...( more than one, too !)...or is she faking it ? Are you certain?
Does she get regular female exams?
All I'm trying to do here is provoke thought..not point fingers.
Sometimes low sexual desire is a SYMPTOM of another problem(s) in the R.
Have you tried counseling? Has she told you over and over again that she needs something else from you...and you havent gotten around to it ?
I have met many women that seem to have low desire for their Husbands....yet they almost.......and the operative word here is ALMOST...want to have an affair..just to know what it feels like to be treated differently again..........like a princess.
You dont have to earn it...you maybe just have to LISTEN and HEAR her, assuming there is no physical problem. She needs to feel CLOSE to you again. My bet is......if you get THAT feeling back.......the lovemaking will follow in due time. She has to trust you again, maybe.
But having an affair is NOT going to solve your problem. I know the allure.....but it's lust...and it dishonors you....does something to you inside. A piece of you dies...doesnt it ?
You feel it, or you wouldnt be here. She will feel it ,too. You can take that to the bank.
Quote: Let's say my fantasy came true and we spent 30 minutes every day having sex.
Maybe that's the problem with her. 30 minutes.
Try making it 90, 120..more.....
Make LOVE to her.......show her you CARE about her ..make her giggle, laugh, smile.......rub her feet..whatever.....but dont get it done in just 30 minutes.
Some women feel used if it's less than 2 hours. Cuddle with her afterwards...make her feel as if you WANT to be there afterwards.
Let's say my fantasy came true and we spent 30 minutes every day having sex. That's just slightly more than 2% of the day. Do the math. And that is for a very hot and heavy sex life.
Wow, dude! I guess this is hot and heavy!! I DID do the math, and that 2% figure doesn't leave you any time for sleep!!
You ARE quite an animal!!!
I love how smart she is, but man does she know how to quickly shut down my logic.
I'm a little bit confused here, my friend. You are throwing some heavy "logical" stuff here with this statement, and quoting some "logistical" percentage values, when the subject at hand seems to deal with "passion".
"Passion and emotions" very rarely mix well with "logic and reasoning". They are 2 different critters.
Do you always deal with your wife on a "logical and reasonable" level? If so, might that be the reason that you're not getting any "passion and emotion" from her?
Or, might she be the "logical and reasonable" partner now?
I'm seeing a big imbalance here. When were the times that the 2 of you were more connected on both an emotional, and a physical, level?
What was going on when you both seemed to be more satisfied with your relationship as a husband and wife?
What things were you doing then, and what things was she doing?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I've been hearing this for years, in books and in counseling. "Find out what the real problem is, and the sex problem will be fixed". It's all about what I need to do to make her want sex. Michele (the author) made the excellent point that the low-desire partner is in control of the relationship. Thus there is no motivation to change on their side, all the work must be done by the high-desire partner.
I have ordered the SSM book and a couple of others. More books might help, who knows. I think she will be kind of bewildered by my bringing this up again, because we've been getting along with the once-a-month routine for a while now, and she is very happy with that.
Yes, she does achieve orgasm during sex, usually very intense. Sometimes not, but she will never fake any kind of sexual response that's not genuine. She also admits to masturbating once or twice a month, which is quick and easy for her and doesn't cut into sleep time.
She likes our sex to be a certain way, and doesn't usually respond well to variations that I try, but things do evolve slowly in the bedroom. There is a new position that she likes, for example.
But she does have complaints about the relationship. Funny how these come up only if I express my desire to have more frequent, more casual sex. The event doesn't have to be planned out like a birthday party! I have jumped her bones and gotten a good response at times, but that only serves to encourage the behavior which she almost always rejects.
Her complaints tend to be vague, I don't nourish her feelings, I am too judgemental, I am not romantic enough. I respond to measureable things, 45 minutes twice a week, one percent, stuff like that. The nebulous stuff just seems like a convenient excuse, but she claims it is very important to her! She just can't express exactly what it is. Also, phrases like "don't act like that", "don't touch me there" are limitless. There are a million things I can try, all of which are wrong. Tell me the one thing you want me to do, and stop with the "don'ts".
It seems, though, the most important lesson I've learned after almost two decades is to accept the person you are married to, and don't try to change them.
