Hello, W-dropped the bomb on me that she is done with the M and she has no desire to fix it. She has been to two counseling sessions and it seems she gets more distant after these sessions.
We have been married for 3 1/2 years and together for 6yrs. She has a son 14 and I have a daughter 11. this is my second marriage. We have a house together.
W told me today 2/13/14 she has filed for D, My heart sank!, I held my composer, she did bring up the relationship and how it has given her great pain to come to this. I did tell her that I know it wasnt easy coming to this conclusion. I did give her a request, asking for more time, she said no. I have begun making changes to myself all ready. I don't suspect an affair, however she seen that I have familywhere (tracking system)on our cell phones and that really made her angry, she told me it was crazy to track her, it tracks mine, hers and my D. That seem to cause her to file. I say this because up until this point she kissed me and said I love you everday before she left for work. The last time she did was Tues 2/11/14. She even stopped calling me.
W has told me one of the biggest issues is how her son and I have a strained relationship. I met her when he was 8yrs old and he was running the house. What I mean is he was still sleaping in her bed, watching t.v till late hours even on school nights etc... I told W that he should be in his own bed at that age. Make a long story short we broke him of some of these habits and I believe this caused a strain on our relationship. I eventually backed off after we went to counseling about it after we got married near the first year of marriage.
W told me there is nothing that I can do to change this. She has told me her complaints in the past, like drinking to much, not spending time with her, not spending family time and not helping around the house. The sad part is I had this book DB before from my first marriage and my wife then had several affairs and I never went back to reading the DB principals. I fell in a rut.
I'm a Police Officer and I see a very negative world, I see the worst of worst in people and what they do to one another and I allowed myself to escape it by drinking and then not having any energy for my W and Kids.
I feel like such a failure, I must maintain control and order on the streets and I cant even keep a family together.
W told me she should of left 2 yrs ago and I knew about DB and I did nothing. I did admit my wrong doings to her and apologized for failing our M and family. She cried and told me this isnt easy, I tod her I know. She then went to bed. So this is where I'm at. I have to get some goals together and my main one is no drinking no matter how bad I feel.
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My W did tell me she doesn't mind listening to what I have to say she told me this morning. My biggest problem is I work afternoons and I only see her on my days off. I actually made it a point to have two weekends off when our kids are at there other parents homes.
My W and I talked last night and she brought up R, she told me that the non-relationship with her son was one of the main reasons she is wanting out because he seems to be better when I'm not around the house when their home. I told her I was wrong on how I handled trying to bond with him. I tried by riding bikes,playing catch etc. His only interest is playing video games. I never tried playiing with him. I only resorted to how I was a kid. My D loves going outside, she also likes video games, she has a balance.
The line of work I do has made me suspicious of people, my step S always played games like call f duty grand theft auto and I worried that he was being reclusive and not getting social skills. I actually feared he may be one of these kids that would snap on a go on a rampage. He's a very smart kid and I dolove him. I just didn't handle him right.
My W did tell me she doesn't mind listening to what I have to say. I'm treading water with this. When we talked last night she did cry and told me she loved me but not in love with me. The funny thing is we went out Saturday I suprised her by taking her to an art gallery, she was extremely excited when we pulled up. We then went to church in one of the countries olds cathloc churches. She thought that was awesome we then went to outdoor venue that had some bands plaguing and we new two of the members. We then went home I lit a candle and gave her a massage we then made love. And now I'm Here.
My W has always asked for my opinion in everything she does, for example should I wear my hair this way or this way. So my question is what if I can get her to read DB or DR or both. I believe there is a small chance she might. she is always reading Self help books. I know this goes against all the DB principals and the 37 rules. My thing is if we don't try we will never know.
My W did tell me she doesn't mind listening to what I have to say she told me this morning. My biggest problem is I work afternoons and I only see her on my days off. I actually made it a point to have two weekends off when our kids are at there other parents homes.
My W and I talked last night and she brought up R, she told me that the non-relationship with her son was one of the main reasons she is wanting out because he seems to be better when I'm not around the house when their home. I told her I was wrong on how I handled trying to bond with him. I tried by riding bikes,playing catch etc. His only interest is playing video games. I never tried playiing with him. I only resorted to how I was a kid. My D loves going outside, she also likes video games, she has a balance.
The line of work I do has made me suspicious of people, my step S always played games like call f duty grand theft auto and I worried that he was being reclusive and not getting social skills. I actually feared he may be one of these kids that would snap on a go on a rampage. He's a very smart kid and I dolove him. I just didn't handle him right.
My W did tell me she doesn't mind listening to what I have to say. I'm treading water with this. When we talked last night she did cry and told me she loved me but not in love with me. The funny thing is we went out Saturday I suprised her by taking her to an art gallery, she was extremely excited when we pulled up. We then went to church in one of the countries olds cathloc churches. She thought that was awesome we then went to outdoor venue that had some bands plaguing and we new two of the members. We then went home I lit a candle and gave her a massage we then made love. And now I'm Here.
My W has always asked for my opinion in everything she does, for example should I wear my hair this way or this way. So my question is what if I can get her to read DB or DR or both. I believe there is a small chance she might. she is always reading Self help books. I know this goes against all the DB principals and the 37 rules. My thing is if we don't try we will never know.
I have about 3 months to DB my but off. W said she filed on Tuesday, no kids in this marriage just step kids so it should only take 3 months in this state. I'm sure if going dark is something I should when W has told me I didn't pay enough attention to her, I didn't make sure she was safe in a vehicle. Both cars are brand new, primarily not thinking about her and picking up things she needs, instead she did all that. I went to get a haircut and didn't say goodbye and she stopped me saying aren't you going to say goodbye to anyone. So I walked up to her and kissed her, she began to tear up and I asked what's wrong she said nothing. I said goodbye to her and the kids.
W asked me who I was on the phone with I just said I was taking care of something. She then said oh I can't ask you who your talking to it's a big secret. She then said don't ask who I'm on the phone with then. I just ok.
I know I jumped a bit with this blog I'm writing. I'm going to act as if for now it's hard to do all of this. So I'm not sure going dark is a good idea. Any advise on this would be great. One other thing she did get a new phone under her mother's plan.
My W did tell me she doesn't mind listening to what I have to say. I'm treading water with this. When we talked last night she did cry and told me she loved me but not in love with me. The funny thing is we went out Saturday I suprised her by taking her to an art gallery, she was extremely excited when we pulled up. We then went to church in one of the countries olds cathloc churches. She thought that was awesome we then went to outdoor venue that had some bands plaguing and we new two of the members. We then went home I lit a candle and gave her a massage we then made love. And now I'm Here.
That's fine, but unfortunately she probably sees it as "too little too late". It takes WAS's a LOOOONG time to change their minds.
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So my question is what if I can get her to read DB or DR or both.
Don't, she's not ready. If she ever expresses interest in reconciling then maybe then, but if she reads them now then she will see what you're doing as just tactics you read in a book to get her back, not things from your heart.
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I have about 3 months to DB my but off. W said she filed on Tuesday, no kids in this marriage just step kids so it should only take 3 months in this state.
Just remove all pressure. Do not EVER initiate convo's about D, the M or R. If you can remove all pressure, she may decide not to pursue D. WAS's do not like pressure, when you pressure them it makes them speed up the D or S process. Remove pressure and they usually back down. She is not required to file the decree exactly 3 months after the petition, the 3 months is a minimum wait. She can wait as long as she wants after that.
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So I walked up to her and kissed her, she began to tear up and I asked what's wrong she said nothing.
Never say "what's wrong", say "how are you feeling" or "are you feeling OK". When you say "what's wrong" then any answer except "nothing" implies that there's something wrong with her.
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I know I jumped a bit with this blog I'm writing. I'm going to act as if for now it's hard to do all of this. So I'm not sure going dark is a good idea.
Don't go dark, it's never for the WAS, it's for the LBS if they have trouble detaching. Or if the WAS is just bat$hit crazy. It's better to follow Sandi2's 37 Rules in the early stages of DB'ing, read them daily and live them, and give them time to work.
