melissa - gotta get back to me

[melissag]

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melissa- things are getting ugly

Feeling crappy this morning . . . woke up and immediately remembered that 12 years ago tonight my H and I were on the beach in CA and he was telling me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

Ha!

Fast forward to today. I don't have the slightest idea who my H is.

I don't know if he is a good guy, or an [censored], or a conniving jerk, or just completely clueless, or what. I just know that I can't trust a single thing that comes out of his mouth, or any of his actions. I can't believe that we are in a place where I have to be suspicious when he hugs me. I have spent the past few days back on H's roller coaster because I don't understand him, and can't figure him out. And I think this may be the worst part about everything. That I can't trust him . . . he's someone I don't even know. He looks like him. And he talks like him. And when he is nice like him . . . I can't believe him.

Sigh. So I know what I need to do. I need to just leave it be. I have no idea who he is or what he is doing, and there is nothing I can do to make him be the person I thought he was/want him to be. I have to treat him as someone I don't know and don't trust. (Ouch, that really hurts.)

And I need to go back to focusing on me. I just feel so blah right now - I feel like I have gone back in time three months, when I was forcing myself to GAL.

Given that I am going to get D whether I like it or not, I know what I want/need in the process, with respect to parenting time and money/assets. I just need to figure out how to work these things out without paying lawyers a billion dollars, without making things ugly, but without allowing my H to run the show. I just keep wanting to talk to him, like my H, so we can figure things out. But I know I can't.

OK, so - back to me. Last night was my second meeting for a group I joined - it's actually a self-empowerment class for women going through transitions - and that was really great. Just to have that connection with other women and the community is really helpful. I think I will probably end up being friends with at least a few of the women.

Today I'm going to go to the gym with my girlfriends, run some errands, and then get Valentine's Day stuff ready for my kids. My Mom is coming over. Honestly, I would prefer to do this stuff on my own, but she is in town, my Dad is not, and she has been pretty pushy about spending time with me. So I will try to just be open minded and hope she acts normal.

Then I've got TKD with the kids (no H, thank goodness). H is taking the kids out of town tomorrow night until Monday night, which I hate, but I will try to use the time to catch up on some organizing projects around the house and taking care of me.

I just wish I had a can of PMA I could crack open . . . mine seems to be all tapped out. I think I need to go write another gratitude list.

[melissag]

Thanks for the support, F, Paul, Blues and RT.

Yes, I guess I am back in the place where I do need to take time to grieve. Bug is right that the only way through it is through it - I have learned that. There is no shortcut. I know there is a bottom to this hurt - I need to lean into into it and feel it to get through it.

I haven't been doing that. I have been fighting it. I am so tired of grieving.

One thing I have learned. Grieving is hard work.

[paul19510]

(((Melissa)))

you can come shovel at my house if it'd help burn off the pain LOL

[paul19510]

BTW M, great post. Whether or not you see it, I see you growing and you are doing really well. Do something to make you feel good. Like the gym, then get a massage or your nails done or something like that, you know. Feel good about Melissa. Seems like there's plenty to feel good about. We have to forget about the negative influences coming from our situation.

My wise friend mentioned that concept yesterday on the phone. During most of my M I took a "one down" position and W let me know it. I finding out now that she's gone, that she let others know it too...My self esteem got hammered in the process (My fault for letting that happen, but I will learn) My friend said, "...you're a good man and you'll be a fine partner to someone when you heal from all of this...don't let one person's negative opinion of you change that...."

I'd say the same to you, except for the part about being a good man...pretty sure you're a woman But you get my point.

Have a great day. You have a whole weekend to completely spoil yourself. I haven't gotten any time for myself yet. My W doesn't take the kids much at all (at least not all at once) Have twice as much fun as you think you can stand Notice the lots of smiles.... Just keep doing that.

[labug]

I think you're moving through this relatively quickly. Pick your jaw up off the floor, you are.

When you're able to keep your focus of him and what he does or doesn't do is when you'll feel much better.

StubbornDyke (I miss you!) had a saying when her partner would do something that was confusing, "Isn't that interesting!" No analyzing, no victim stance, no villifying, just "Hmmmm, isn't that interesting" and go on with YOUR life, your goals, your intentions, your path.

I have gotten away from being specific about my gratitude lately, too. It does change our perspective, little by little.

And I say goof for him for changing his stance, no matter the reason. Makes your life better.

[Underdog]

Pick your jaw up off the floor, you are.

Ditto what Bug said, with an extra for it too.

I love and miss SD. Must write her off line to see how she's doing. She has some very technical and methodic approaches to situations, and I had forgotten that one.

I'd say you have every reason not to trust him, but like Bug said, it does help you move along your path without all the speed bumps and obstacles. Now - more than ever - is the time where you get to really learn how to trust yourself and your instincts.

Because truly, the only way out IS through.

Hugs-

Betsey

[labug]

And I say goofgood for him for changing his stance, no matter the reason. Makes your life better.

[adinva]

Hi Mel:

1. You've been at this for less than six months, whereas a lot of other people have been at it for years. Your sitch is moving quicker than your emotions can keep up with. Be patient. This is partly why you feel dragged around on the roller coaster, you haven't had enough time to really learn how to step off of it. You've got to try, for your own sanity.

2. You were you when he was being a jerk, and you were you when he got nice all of a sudden. Your worth was exactly the same before and after, and continues to be. Please stop gauging it by how he's acting or how he used to act, or any other measure outside of yourself. You've got to let him be how he'll be, and simply be glad for yourself when how he's being is more palatable to you than other ways he's chosen to be recently. None of what he does is a reflection of you AT ALL. I don't want to hear ever again that you feel insignificant or worth less because of some aspect of his behavior. Those things are not connected. At all. Expect irrationality from him and stop looking for reasons why. Don't ask questions there are no answers to.

3. Keep your head focused on the divorce proceedings and settlement as a business transaction. You know that. Go for what you're entitled to (what the KIDS are entitled to) and put any emotion about it aside. Don't worry that your H acts like it means "war" (whatever that is supposed to mean), or that he'll only hire a really bulldog lawyer if you're acting like a B and not if you're not (is he stupid?), or that you'll look like a B (who do you care thinks you're acting like a B when you're just protecting your children?). You are a lawyer. Advise yourself as if you're a client and get your emotions the heck out of the way.

Your H lost his marbles. I'm sorry. Get what you need and move on quickly. He can always recover his sanity and reconcile with you later. Dragging this out or feeling all bad about it won't help anything...I can tell you that from experience. I've dragged my sitch out for going on 3 years with no settlement completed yet, and I'm sorry I've been wasting time. Get the business out of the way. It's OK.

[melissag]

Ad, thank you. Lots of good stuff there. Nodding my head in agreement because it makes sense intellectually, just need to get my emotions on board.

As much as I am going to miss my kids this weekend, and I am sad that I will miss out on their snowy adventures, I think maybe it's good timing for me to have a little time away from my H and my sitch.

I hope I can use the time to mull some stuff over, get my head straight, and take care of me a little, so I can be recharged and know my path going forward.

What I need to figure out is how to go through this process trying to negotiate without lawyers being involved in every second of the process. For two reasons: (1) the money (let's not forget, I am the one who will be getting screwed here); and (2) I don't like other people making my decisions for me. I want to make sure that I am getting at least what I am entitled to, but I don't want to have two strangers talking about and deciding MY life and that of my children.

And Ad, you're right about the marbles. I just got an email from my H. It was about "our" finances. He told me about some expenses and what he has coming in, and about the quarterly tax payment we will need to make in April.

Then he said,

I hope your class went well yesterday. I don't want to be antagonistic about this at all. I still do care about you, you know. It's becoming clear to me that you don't trust me and I'm sorry for what I did to deserve that. I hope we can figure all this stuff out.

auuugggghhhhh.

[melissag]

For some unknown reason, I decided to look at H's match.com profile. He added more photos. Photos THAT I TOOK (during family times that WE spent together), and with MY SON in them.

Am I being overemotional, or is this just disgusting? How can he be so unbelievably selfish? Like our time together meant absolutely NOTHING to him.

I really feel like calling him out for putting my son on match dot f-ing com, but I know he just doesn't give a fvck.

I hate his guts.

I know none of that showed any kind of growth or compassion or whatever blah blah blah . . . I'm just so hurt right now, and it offends me that he sends me emails saying he cares about me when he so obviously cares only about himself.

Gotta finish up the pity party so I can pick up kids at school. I really thought I was through the worst of this, but I can see that's yet to come.

At least I had an hour at the gym with my friends and getting my ass kicked by a trainer. That's about the only hour today that I haven't wanted to drive my car over a cliff (or maybe over my H).