I found out about my wife's long-term affair last December. Leading up to the affair things had been a bit rough and they obviously didn't improve while the affair was underway. After I confronted her she had said she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay in the marriage or not. After about a few weeks, she agreed to stay and work on the M but refused NC and transparency. I think her exact words were,"There is no way in h*ll you're getting the password to my email."
Since then things have gradually improved, but I've since reminded her once that before we can start to address the problems in the marriage that we need to first establish trust...and that starts with her bringing some transparency to the relationship. She protested, saying that she hasn't spoken to the OM in weeks. She has also been very good about saying where she's going and when she'll be home.
To a certain point, knowing passwords and having access to accounts is a good way to establish trust, if it's given freely. Since it's possible for my WW to maintain contact with the M with a prepaid phone or a new email account, isn't this largely a symbolic gesture? It may not actually prove NC.
No, it's not 100% foolproof, but it would certainly show you how serious she is about "doing what it takes" to work on the marriage, without contact with her OM.
Personally, I would run very fast if my wife didn't agree to it.
Don't discount symbols . . . aren't marital vows just outward displays? It reveals what's in the heart.
The reason she gave why she doesn't want to give me full access is because she felt violated how I eventually found out about the affair. I had hacked her laptop, copied the backup of her iPhone, purchased an extractor program, and eventually guessed her encryption password. I found out not only what happened, but virtually all of the gory details up until that point. She doesn't know it, but I also go all the photos she'd sent but had deleted from her phone. She doesn't want me going through her life looking for more dirt.
To be fair, that's EXACTLY what I would do, at least after initially gaining access. It feels like the longer she waits to give me access (assuming she ever does), the longer it will take to restore my trust in her. Obviously I'll never be able to trust her blindly again, but I'm hoping the potential scenarios of what she 'could be' doing won't be scrolling through my head when she wants to go out shopping.
In the meantime she's been making the effort to let me know where she's going, checking in with me during the day when she's not at home, and getting back at a decent time. It doesn't help to stop the scenarios from running through my head, but its enough (for now, at least) to keep me in the marriage.
The reason she gave why she doesn't want to give me full access is because she felt violated how I eventually found out about the affair. I had hacked her laptop, copied the backup of her iPhone, purchased an extractor program, and eventually guessed her encryption password. I found out not only what happened, but virtually all of the gory details up until that point. She doesn't know it, but I also go all the photos she'd sent but had deleted from her phone. She doesn't want me going through her life looking for more dirt.
To be fair, that's EXACTLY what I would do, at least after initially gaining access. It feels like the longer she waits to give me access (assuming she ever does), the longer it will take to restore my trust in her. Obviously I'll never be able to trust her blindly again, but I'm hoping the potential scenarios of what she 'could be' doing won't be scrolling through my head when she wants to go out shopping.
A: "(Wife), I'm sorry you feel that way. You asked me what I would need in order to feel safe in the marriage again, and considering your recent affair this is what I would need. Transparency is hardly my concept -- it's pretty standard stuff. Let me know if and when you're ready to do that, but if you can't I can only assume you are still in contact with OM -- or want to be able to soon be."
You can't control her. But you DO get to articulate what YOUR boundaries are.
