Yep, Sandi's advice is always great. It provokes thoughts and never does the work for you. Love it.
Date night planning is underway. It's a stay in date due to kids, but I'm planning a theme night with a meal and a movie. Turning the kitchen/diner into a bistro and the family room into a cinema....
Me 41, W 39 Married 5 years Together 10 years S4, D2
W came home from London tonight, quite late and very tired. I had prepared her favorite dinner which we ate together. We watched TV and I rubbed her feet and then it was time for bed.
My W uses WhatsApp all the time and I notched that she had been talking to the OM earlier. I didn't raise this as an issue (although I was p'd off) but did say that I had noticed that they had both been "online" on what's app at te same time today while she was driving home and asked if they had been texting while she was driving (this is a massive pet hate of mine as she txts and uses email while driving, even with the kids in the car.)
She asked how I knew that he had been online, and I admitted that I had his number which I had taken from her email weeks ago. I had taken a look at him for the 1st time today through his whatsapp profile and that's how I knew (know your enemy, right?!)
She justifiably became very angry and accused me of stalking them both. I told her that I wasn't stalking anyone, however had taken his number several weeks ago when I was considering contacting him and calling him out (which I did not do).
She told me make her sick, she hates me, definitely wants a divorce, doesn't know why she was making an effort to let me win her over and that if I don't let her have an easy divorce she will take the kids and I will never see them.
So right now I'm in the spare room, angry at myself and her and desperately trying to find my next move.
What do I do guys?
Me 41, W 39 Married 5 years Together 10 years S4, D2
Well, yeah, you stuffed that one up. Chin up though. You're emotional and you'll make mistakes. The important thing is to go back to the rules and figure out which ones you broke. You'll be more aware of those next time.
You've seen some positives. They'll come back. It'll be harder but they'll come back. As you'll hear many times, let it go, dust yourself off and re-read and recommit to the rules.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Hey R, it sounds like you kind of lost it for a while there.
We all F up from time to time. You can't change what happened, and going back to try to fix it will just make it worse.
I know it seems like this is a huge deal, but it's just one short chapter in the very long story. Don't beat yourself up about it or let it make you lose hope.
Just go back to Sandi's rules, and next time you feel like breaking one, remember what happened this time.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
How do you guys keep from moping and thinking about your sitch all the time? This is when I get needy and end up calling/texting/declaring undying love.....
Cheers R
GAL is needed to Detach. GAL must include some new people in your life, preferably people who do not know your situation so they don't remind you of your situation. And doing solo activities ought to be limited, imo. IF you choose things that are stimulating enough, you won't be obsessing about your WAS. That's just true.
I was in a play at one point and realized 2-3 hours had passed during rehearsal, and I had laughed a lot, focussed on what I was doing on stage, and for the first time in months, I did Not think of h a single time. That helps!
GAL to achieve Detachment, which is needed to Let go...
Letting go is NOT giving up, it is moving on.
Moving on is not giving up, it's simply moving forward and swimming to the other shore.
You cannot swim to the other shore -of your new fulfilling life- and constantly look over your shoulder to check on the WAS to see if they're following or noticing or reacting in any way...you won't ever get to the other side that way. Do NOT do what I did my first year here...wondering and asking WHY?? and HOW?? and what is h doing/planning/feeling/thinking...
what a waste of time. I could have spent that time on MY NEW LIFE and my kids'...b/c only when I did that, did H ever worry that "WE" might not always be here for him. Remember, it's not about them now.
It's about you GAL, which is step one.
For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. I had 3 kids including a baby (so you know I don't want to hear about how you are 'too busy' to GAL).
Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life.
IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w. OKAY: My GAL List:
I volunteered at a battered women's shelter. (That lead to me being put on the board of director's there, which ended up helping me land a job elsewhere, later).
I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it). I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled). I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.
I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it).
I did a whole set once on a MLCs at The Improv in Hollywood. It went very well. I learned to cross country ski, & I became a better firearms shooter. I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.
I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans) I loved riding it!
I Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license. I edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)
I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape.
Yes, Looking good made a world of difference to me. (Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly of their long LONG cold winters. But depression CAN be a motivator, ironically. I think you can just get sick & tired of feeling sick & tired...).
In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with depression. I felt more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps us FEEL better.
(Yes I know that those tanning booths pose skin cancer risks. But I was facing a LONG brutal winter, again, and made the choice I felt was healthiest for me at the time). Spent one afternoon a week reading to d10's class;
I Saw a therapist and for some months, & I went on ADs.
Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).
Joined the Officer's Wives club, after 15 years of h being active duty.
(Wish I had joined sooner! I met two women who are life long friends to this day.)
I Joined a writer's group Took a class in Conversational French Took a class in Italian cooking
There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot.
Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.
Really, we hammer GAL a lot here. (And 180s). I hammer the GAL so much b/c it saved me from feeling so desperate and made the "time in limbo" pass by a lot faster.
GAL works.
Good luck!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You MUST stop snooping! Did you really read that part in the Div Busting book? Read it again.
Yeah, it's hard not to obsess and snoop. But if you already know there's an OM and it's not a mandatory deal breaker, what possible good does it do you?
It backfires! Seriously!
So go GAL and become the better choice. OM does NOT get a call of any kind from you. He's not worth you noticing. He's not your equal. Become a man only a fool would leave.
What were you like when she fell in love with you?
Go be him, and begin with GAL.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I realised that although I have been getting out and about I have been living for her/our R instead of GAL. This needs to change. I don't want to stop doing these things for her as this is her LL, but I need to balance it with purely GAL activities.
She does however cause a row every time I want to do something for myself. I don't deserve my own time or a life she says, or it will impact on her or the kids.
She says that today while I am at work she and the kids will be leaving me.... Really hope this is a bluff
Me 41, W 39 Married 5 years Together 10 years S4, D2
From what I've read, this is your wife challenging your changes. ie. she's used to the 'old' you. If there's something you want to do and you are able to do it, go ahead.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
