What to do about the whole validation thing is a mystery...
I know how I got to the good time. I was manly, alpha and dominant and she lapped it up. I didn't take any cr*p. More of the same is the plan, plenty of GAL, minimal contact.
She heads to London in the morning so it shouldn't be too difficult. However I do wonder if this is why she has got angry?? In the past in her return she has been horrible, and nice before she leaves. Could this have switched around?
Me 41, W 39 Married 5 years Together 10 years S4, D2
Same thing happened to me with the validation. I either haven't found the right thread to read or I'm not far enough through DR to know what to do to get it back. Hopefully a vet pops in with some ideas, especially a former WAS.
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
I hate to say it....But at this point in both your situations validation can be seen as condescending by the WAS, but keep doing it LOL. For both of you, validation and good communication skills are new. So they are also new to your wives and possibly in their minds, a bit of "Why is he doing this now". I can go farther, but I want you guys to think about that.
As for the getting up part Recruit....Why not answer the question about how her butt looks LOL. You walked into a man catch-22 situation on that one. There was no way you would come out ahead. Now this is completely outside of DB......but think about what you said and how it would be received by the wife.
1- You are too old to get out of bed 2- You are to fat to get out of bed 3- You are to lazy to get out of bed 4- On and on LOL
Sometimes you have to think before you talk....and while you meant what you said in jest, all her thoughts are going to be you are looking down on her. It isn't that you were malicious....Just how it was received.
Pick your pants up, wipe the dust off, and get back going. A manly man doesn't let little things set him back.
How do you guys keep from moping and thinking about your sitch all the time? This is when I get needy and end up calling/texting/declaring undying love.....
Cheers R
Me 41, W 39 Married 5 years Together 10 years S4, D2
Well, you hit a nerve somewhere. What was that you were saying about knowing it could change any minute? It did.
I
Quote:
am every kind of b*stard. She never loved me. Today has been dreadful, she has never had such an awful time. I will never change, Etc, etc.....
What did you do or say while she was throwing all this at you? Look. If you hurt her feelings you should have apologized and if she was angry and throwing a b1tch fit, you should have called her out on it. Sometimes men's jokes are insensitive to women, but some women don't know when to drop it after you apologize.
I think Another Stander is gifted in validation. You may get some tips from him about how to do a better job. But being a former WAW, I can see how many times validation could appear like a lot of tail kissing. In your case, you do not want her to think that's what you are doing!
If she is really mad, that may not be the right time to validate, IDK. If her feelings are hurt, yes. By her telling you she didn't care that you understands how she feels, I'm thinking you have played that same song one time too many, KWIM?
Some guys (and us gals) just aren't very good at validation. When you aren't good with it, I could see it hitting another nerve. I told one LBH to just quit trying to validate his W, b/c his timing was so bad and he sounded like he was validating her bad behavior. She would act terrible toward him and he was validating it. I don't believe in validating bad behavior. I do believe there is a time and place. If you get that part down, you will have the secret.
I will tell you guys something else not to do. Do not tell a woman you know how she feels, or worse....try to tell her what she is feeling! It infuriates a woman.
Don't say the same thing every time. It sounds so shallow.
I can think of more "do not" than "do".
Find Another Stander and ask for his help.
P.S. She liked the manly behavior. That's where you start.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey So tonight hasn't been too bad. Kept busy with the kids. They had FaceTime with W before bed, and then she rang me a couple of time to chat and see how the day had been, and a few texts before she went to bed. She even put kisses on the texts! This is a BIG difference....
She also asked if I was planning anything for our date night this week.
Not sure what to think right about now other than I know sweet FA about women or relationships.... :s
Me 41, W 39 Married 5 years Together 10 years S4, D2
For your question....I kept myself very busy. Worked like a dog, hiked like a mountain goats, and worked out like an athlete. That way I was too busy to think about the situation. You need to fight those feelings however you can. We have discussed that even prior to this, you had these feelings and it led to problems.
FYI- I am a big Sandi Fan....Her posts are excellent and from a different perspective than mine. Listen and hear what she says.
So date night....Make the plans my man. Manly men make plans....they don't have them made for them.
