I need all the help i can get

[Recruit]

Hi All

I don't really know where to start - I have never been much of a sharer. This could be quite a long post.....

My wife dropped the bomb around a week ago - she doesn't love me any more, doesn't want me in her life, doesn't care if I stay or go. She is passed wanting anything to do with me or caring what I do or say.

We are still living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, and have 2 children, S3.5, D1.5.

We have been married for 4 years, together for 8. We had a whirlwind romance and moved in together almost immediately - very little dating, just moved into full on relationship mode.

For the last 2 years my wife has warned me that if I didn't pull my finger out and do something to keep her she would leave me. Again and again this has happened, and time and again I have hidden my head in the sand and waited for it to blow over. I am not callous, I do care about her feeling and I do not want to lose her. But I have been suffering from depression for years (20+yrs) and have never had it treated. Today I had my first panic attack – I thought I was going to die on the kitchen floor.

I know I need to do something to keep her, to show her that I love her, adore her, want her in my life more than anything. But I just feel so numb and helpless, and clueless as to what to actually do to make her happy.

All I do when it blows up is to hide. Ebay, facebook, online shopping. Anything to dull the pain and allow me to hide from the devastation I have been causing around me.

Over the last 2 years I have basically sat on my a** day in day out, unable to connect to her or the kids. Crying almost daily, often unable to stop until I physically vomit. I have run a profitable business into the ground - ironically I was so scared of it failing and letting people down I was frozen and physically couldn't work on it, causing it to fail and let my family down.

As I have made zero money over the last 12 months my wife has had to carry us single handed. She told me of her dissatisfaction with this daily and I could do nothing to help - I knew I had to but just couldn't. I haven’t supported my family and it disgusts me that I have let this happen. I would just sit there and hide im my own numb little world, hoping that everything would just fix itself. I became passive aggressive and would b*tch and moan about everything, but never assert myself or my thoughts in case I caused more rows.

However – I do 90% of the household stuff. I deal with the kids – meals, clothes, baths, bed – I also do all the nightime stuff, every single night. My W has never bathed the kids, and never got up in the night with our D. I clean and I cook. But none of it is ever done to the right for my W.

She has had several EAs over the last 2 years. The current one is with a new colleague - he is the same age as her, an international lacrosse star, a very succesful business man, intelligent, wealthy and accomplished. They text constantly, and they have both made their feelings known to each other that if she weren't married then they would be acting on their feelings (I hacked her facebook, email and Whatsapp for this info). I also saw in face book that she is "struggling" to remain faithful as she is so attracted to him and I am such a let down in everyway.

She works with him 2-3 days a week in London, staying away from home as we are 400 miles from the capital. I know it is only a matter of time until she strays. I am left at home with 2 babies that I love with all my heart, but that I am increasingly unable to look after properly (today, just before I had my panic attack I screamed at them both.. I have never raised my voice to them or the W before). She wont consider working remotely, she wont break off this inappropriate friendship and keep it purely professional.

As icing on the cake, I have put on 90lbs over the last few years. I damaged my knees playing rugby at a professional level and I have gone from being a very fit and toned guy to a slob. I haven't taken care of myself. I don't sleep, ive been eating sh*t, I haven't been exercising. She is no longer attracted to me for obvious reasons.

We have had niggling problems throughout the relationship, but I always thought we overcame them or that they "went away" - very naïve of me. We are not always very sexually compatible. We are both fairly highly sexed but in different ways. This has always been an issue, ever since the initial fire/passion cooled in our relationship a year in to it. Up until these problems we have always been attracted to one another, but the sex always just missed the mark.

To make these matters worse I have developed premature ejaculation (Stress?). Sex is embarrassing now - on the odd occasion that we get it on, its over very quickly. My W runs to the bathroom and cries. I lay on the bed feeling like a worthless idiot. This has been happening for 3 years now. How we actually managed to conceive children is beyond me!

I also engage in sleep sex – where I am fully asleep and end up kissing/touching/sleeping with my wife, just like sleep walking or talking. It is very real when it happens, and often I cant belive that my W wasn’t the one that actually instigated it. Until this all blew up this was something that wasn’t the biggest problem – sometimes I would get a sharp elbow if she was too tired to be woken but often it would happen and I would either wake on ejaculation or be told about it in the morning. However now this is now a huge issue – my W doesn’t want me to even speak to her let alone jump on her when she is sleeping.

The only positives that I can see for myself at the moment are –
1. Just like at AA - I know that we have problems and I want to work on me and GAL. Hi my name is Dan, and im a [censored] husband/man!
2. She is still here (just).
3. I know she does love me, as I read it in a FB message to her friend, but I drive her insane and she cant make herself want to try anymore because i've caused her so much hurt.
4. I know that I have depression, and I am going to the docs today to seek treatment and hopefully gain access to counselling.
5. I have begun a diet and some exercise. I have lost 24lbs.
6. I am taking care of myself, bathing, nicer clothes.

I understand that this is a classic case of WAW, and that my mistreatment of her and her emotions have left it wide open for her to disconnect from me and find a replacement/EA to make her feel good about herself again. I also now know that every one of my relationships has ended in the same way and for the same reasons since I was 17! (except the sex stuff, that's just us)

I have tried to implement DB and 180 but really struggle. I am super needy, and a bit of a control freak. I call her and txt her too much. Although I try to remain aloof I fail and cringe at almost everything I say. I chase her, engage her, run around after her. I don't seem to be able to stop. I talk about us and our R and M, ask for reassurances and guarantees. Her love and validation is the only thing that makes me feel worthy and sometimes I feel like a dog begging for treats.

So - I am getting help and trying to get my life back in to gear. I am being as good a dad as I can be. I need to GAL and hopefully I have made the first steps. I don't get out at all without her, I have been very co-dependant. I want to change this first. I don't really have any friends, so I guess this is task no1.

Please advise me, direct me, help me to fix myself in order to re-engage with my W and save my R and M.

[trc2009]

My man, I am very much in the same situation right now except that we separated a few weeks ago and sex has totally stopped. I'm not in any position to give anyone advice right now but I too have just adopted the 180. I'm not sure if it will work and it's hard to implement it every second that I am around her.

We just have to keep trying to stay the course, stay strong, and stay consistent without pushing them.

I will say one thing. You guys are still under the same roof. Unless you absolutely have to, try to stay in the same home. Because once you leave, it may become near impossible to get back.

[HopefulStill]

Recruit,

I'm glad you are seeking treatment for your depression. If you didn't have it already, BD probably would have caused it. It's up to your Dr., but ADs might help your mood improve and help give you the motivation that you need. Ironically, you inaction brought about the very things that you feared. Learning to become a man of action from now on should be your primary goal.

Your wife is living without hope that your M can work right now. No amount of you trying to verbally convince her that you are changing will help. You must show through your ACTIONS that you are committed to change. I'm going to generalize here (no offense to anyone intended), but most women are looking for a strong man in their lives that can take care of them and handle life's problems as they come. You recognize that you are not, at present, that man for her. Your 180's are to change this pattern and show, through interaction with your children, that you can be a strong, loving and engaged father.

Do not underestimate the power of exercise! The endorphins released will improve your mood and outlook. When you start looking better you will feel more confident in yourself as well.

Hs

[Recruit]

Thanks TRC - keep it up man, you can do it

[Recruit]

Cheers HS

She returned from London tonight - on the phone to OM as she walked in the house.

The kids had waited up as late as they could to see her and she had decided to stop off at a friends for 4 hours on the way home and missed them. They obviously aren't the main thing in her life anymore.

We tried to speak and it blew up - she hates me, never loved me, wants me gone now.
She threw wedding and engagement rings at me.
Tried to discuss if we do split how we would manage the kids/childcare. Basically unless I bend to her every wish I won't be seeing my children.

I was being as nice as I could be - not arguing, validating like hell - and she was being as nasty as she could be.

She told me his morning that she was spending all her time with the EA OM. She has strong feelings for him and won't keep it purely professional. Luckily he seems to have some morals and won't act on his desires with a married woman as his father destroyed his family cheating.

I got that info from Facebook, as she had been telling her best friend all the details and said this.

Really struggling now.
I've begged and pleaded, chased and moralized.

What do I do from here?? Can I do it for under the same roof?

I cried in front of my son

[Recruit]

So what 180s should I be doing?

[Recruit]

Not sure if I'm still on moderation - I can see some of my post but then it disappears. Can anyone see this?

[Recruit]

Sooo

The W came home last night and I gave her a hard time. I was chasing, moralising and giving her a hard time.

Again this morning, I tried to talk to her and it didn't go to plan. She is a very hurt woman and nothing I said seemed to get through to her.

We went for a drive and talked for a couple of hours. She is unsure how she feels. She admitted that she has been having an EA and that she has struggled keeping non PA.

She doesn't want to destroy out little family but says that she can't continue with the way things are.

I feel a little better today having started taking my AD meds. Obviously it takes time for them to work but I feel a little more in control and calmer. I slept for 6 hours last night - the most I have had in months by a good 3 hours.

Just before bed she asked me to read her FB messages to her best friend about the EA OM. She wanted me to know how she had been feeling and what I was up against. I freaked a little inside, but I think she was very surprised at how well I managed myself.

She stated that she is pleased I am on AD and that she hopes I can become a better person. She won't help (I don't need or want her to). She supports me but said she won't actively work on us or give me another chance.

She said that she loves me, and she won't do anything to deter me or make the situation worse. She has to work with the EA guy, away from home, every week. She has a strong emotional attraction to him and he has made physical advances which she didn't know how to deal with but didn't go anywhere. Of her own will, with no pressure from me, she has said that she won't persue the EA further, she will keep him at arms length and let him know that she values her marriage & family no matter what state it is in.

I'm interviewing for a job tomorrow. She doesn't seem too keen on me getting it or too hopefully that my depression will help me too much when I meet them.

So this is last chance saloon with our R. How to I begin instigating 180s? What us my plan of action?

[Recruit]

Anybody?

[makingmagic]

Hi Recruit.. you will be notified by Cadet, giving you some homework to do too.

The best thing you can do for now, is breathe and take care of yourself.

A 180 is about doing things differently than what you were doing within the relationship. So, you need to tell us what things you may have done that contributed to her wanting to leave? Are you controlling, jealous, alcoholic, ugly behaviours that YOU know need to be worked on.

This is a LONG journey. And the faster you can look into yourself...the better chance of recovery.

Think about it... post here.