Rebel without a clue

[Lifes Twists]

Hi promethius,

Stand your ground and stay in the house. From what i have read you are in similar situation to me. My wife left one year ago with my three girls. All 4 were hostile to me. My wife had taken them in as her confidant and had turned to them against me. The best advice I got was to keep trying with them and they will come back to you. It has taken a year, but that was the best advice I got. I have revived my relationship with my three daughters.

Right now I live in the house and all four of them are crammed into a small apartment. I have seen things between my wife and the girls get hostile now and I can just sit back and tell her I won't interfere with her relationship with the girls.

Things will get better, but they may have to hit bottom first. In my case I am now setting stronger boundaries with my wife since I have my girls back. I am making her pay her share of their expenses and she is starting to squirm.

Best of luck and hang in there.

[prometheus]

Thanks for posting Lifes Twists.
What you say about your children turning hostile is something that i have noticed in my own situation. Similarly, my wife has taken my eldest two as confidants. Don't take it personally. I know that i have tried not to. Not easy all of the time, but at the end of the day i can hold my head up high knowing that i am doing the best that i can.

[Lifes Twists]

That sounds about par for the course. Moms can have a strong pull on the kids. Give it time. Keep consistent and keep trying. Be there for them when they need you and keep offering help, even if it is to buy something they need for school or other.

I found that as time went on my wife was not prepared to handle three teens alone. She did not get the happy life that she thought would happen as soon as I was out of the picture. The kids still fought, they still had demands, They still argued with her and laughed at her when she tried to set some boundaries. When she could not come thru for them, they turned back to me. I was prepared and step back into the void she had created. This frustrated her even more. Unfortunately, with her mental illness, she viewed this as the girls turning on her.

So, be prepared. In time the kids will turn back to you and return.

[prometheus]

I got a reply from my wife by email the other day in relation to the reply i sent to her as posted *here*.

Here is the reply that i got:

Angry & frustrated....story of my life...& i've made no secret of it!
The opportunity for working on this relationship has long passed.
We shall separate.....but it's up to you whether that happens easily or with major disruption.....
Mrs Prometheus

A couple of weeks later i then got:

Prometheus,
It seems to me that you do not hear, or in fact, read a single word I say!
You are stuck in that place of 18 mnths ago when I first told you I wanted a separation, you cannot think that I will change my mind....that is delusional, to say the least. I cannot remain in that stuck place with you anymore.
It's at the point now that I feel you are taking advantage of me & playing me for a fool. I will move out....finding somewhere is not easy but I will perservere.
The fact that you wont move out doesn't make you right....it makes you an a$$h01e!
I have moved on.....the marriage is a thing of the past & you need to let it go!
I do not have to share anything with you....the more you push me, the less you'll get from me. Grow up!

I replied some days later:

Hi Mrs Prometheus,

I just read your email. I don't check this address very often, hence the late reply.

Mrs Prometheus, you sound angry and frustrated, I'm sorry if you feel that way. I would prefer that we stay together and work on our relationship, but I do want you to be happy and if you feel that you *must* leave to be happy then I support you in your decision. But to reaffirm what i said, i would prefer that you did not leave.


I admit to you all that i have stopped checking(i never used the address much anyway) the particular email address these messages are being sent to. I have been unwilling to read the hurtful emails that i suspect will be there when i look, so i have only been checking it once a fortnight. I feel shame at being so weak in this regard but that is my reality.

Reading back on my reply, it does look very lame. As Mr Bond might say - "why are you poking the bear with a stick?"

Thanks for reading

[Thornton]

I believe it was Sandi that said of all the times she's seen a man get back his WAW, he stood his ground and dropped the rope.

I'm not saying you need to get defensive or puff out your chest. Stay in the house, if she wants to leave, let her.

Perhaps a physical separation is necessary for her to see you in a different light?

She knows how you feel, you've told her countless times. Don't tell her you prefer to stay together, all it does is make her mad. You have to get to the point that you know you will be ok without her. It will show in your mannerisms without having to say a word to her. She MIGHT take notice then.

Just my opinion.

[Nettles]

Pro,

Go back and re-read your text examples you posted on 02/12/14 11:48 PM. Are those typical of your interactions with W? These seemed to be based on emotions and not logic.

And there are so many red flags with the kids. A 6YO gets to decide if they go visit their grandfather? How does this happen? How can a 6YO be expected to make this decision? And early in your sitch you write about how they interrupt conversations with W.

Forget the W and M, YOU need to focus on how to be a father to these kids. Go take a parenting class. Read a book. Something, anything. There is no way a 12YO would say things you've written if there was a healthy relationship there. I don't care what W says to D, D would know that it isn't right if there is structure in place.

[prometheus]

Thanks for posting Thornton. I welcome your input. It has been difficult for me to find a way to stand my ground that does not involve conflict of some kind. Having said that, what you have outlined is pretty much what i have been trying to live up to.

I have simply been staying put, minding my own business, taking care of me (and the kids as needed). I have plenty of things to take up my time; formal part time study, full time job + overtime, regular exercise, connecting with friends and family, repairing and maintaining the three older Audis that i have acquired, making music with friends, family and associates, surfing, skipping, yard maintenance,,,. I have no time to brood and mope.

All of those things ^^^ are making it easier to drop the rope. I won't declare that i have dropped it completly but i have been getting better and better in that regard. What i *do* have trouble with(dropping rope related) is staying on an even keel in those rare moments when W will interact with me on a friendly level. I tend to get over enthusiastic and think that my wife is thawing a little. I end up being distracted from running my own race and begin focussing on my W again.


I hear what you are saying re telling my wife what i prefer. It was poorly worded. Perhaps i should have just told her i was not moving out and left it at that. I *did* want to validate her feelings by saying i wanted her to be happy, but in the process included my own feelings/desire/preference. That is a mistake that i need to stop making.

Prefer, to me, is not a very strong word and was meant to convey a mild form of ambivalence. I mean, the world is not going to come to an end if i don't get what i prefer....lol...i rarely do as a rule! In my mind i was trying to convey the notion that i would be OK no matter what course of action my wife chooses to take. And this is the truth! My wife has already left me even if we are still residing in the same house. If she leaves then i *am* OK with that. Can't keep a bird in a cage and call it free...

I still have no plan for me... <----there is my bigger fish to fry right there.