I've been reading the boards for months, and the information I have obtained has been invaluable. My situation just seems so far gone I don't know if it can be saved…or if I want it to.
My husband is having an affair with a married woman that has been going on at least a year. This is not his first affair…in fact it is his third in 4 years. This one has definitely lasted the longest and the 2nd affair was mostly EA, but they did kiss. I did not know the first affair (which lasted about 3 months) was a PA until about a year after it was over. After the first 2 affairs I did all the wrong things. I cried, pleaded, begged…made myself look completely weak and that I would accept him back no matter what (and I guess I did). I constantly snooped, called him out if I was suspicious…I was on edge ALL of the time. I know that I turned into someone I didn't want to be…jealous and anxious all the time about every girl that came around. My husband is in a profession where he mostly works with women.
He tried to end this affair and only made it one week of no contact before he went back. When he KEPT telling me he was in love with her, she was the best relationship he ever had, he could tell her anything, etc. I consulted with a lawyer to see what my options were. One weekend in November I went out of town and he hired a babysitter (someone I didn't know) to watch our kids while he went on a date with the OW. When I came back the next day, he went out drinking with friends and didn't come home that night. I filed for divorce the following week. I know it was out of emotion, but I also felt like I couldn't continue this way.
After I filed, I found my way to this board, got a copy of DR and read it pretty quickly. I started backing off, shutting up, trying to GAL, focus on myself and what makes me happy. It's actually made me really happy and our home is a peaceful place to be. I'm finding my "old self" returning and I like what I see.
I see my husband relaxed and more open to me. We are getting along and many days it feels like we are "doing great," but he will not stop his affair. I have the final paperwork for the divorce in my bag that I carry around, but I can't seem to sign it. We have even gone over it together and agree to all the terms. I know he doesn't want to divorce (neither do I), but he won't give up OW. Even if we reconcile I'm worried there will be another woman in a year or so. I guess I'm just confused on what to do.
Oh…and he says he's had this past affair because he felt like he was never heard and she listens to him. She doesn't judge him like I do. He feels like I've never given him space to breathe and I treat him like he's in prison. He can't do anything he wants and I always blame him for everything that goes wrong, and he's tired of being the "bad guy" in our relationship. He's told me his relationship with the OW is the healthiest relationship he's ever been because he can be himself and not lie.
Glad to hear that the information in Divorce Busting has helped you and your home situation. I strongly suggest you use one of our coaches to continue the process. Call me and I'd be happy to discuss our coaching program. 303-444-7004
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
Of course I accidentally hit the wrong button before I finished typing the title of this post which should have been "Trying to Figure This Out." Oh well!
That's a terrible story! How long have you been married? Did you have many good years before his first affair? Do you know when things started to fall apart?
When these things happen it is sometimes easy to buy into thinking that you weren't meeting his needs, or something about you was deficient in some way. That kind of thinking can be destructive because it makes you feel inadequate and pummels your self esteem.
That said, your husband does seem to have needs that aren't being met by the marriage. That MAY be something that you can address together, or it may not be. If he feels a need to flirt and pursue, that would be something he has to work through on his own before he's capable of being in a monogamous relationship, and really has *nothing* to do with you.
Usually when relationships fall apart, it's because you're gotten into a self-reinforcing negative cycle. You're not getting what you need from the relationship so you (complain/withdraw/nag). The other partner responds to your (complaint/withdrawal/nagging) by complaining or withdrawing themselves. That makes you each even less likely to want to meet the other's needs, so your (complaining/withdrawing/nagging) gets even worse and around you go until there's nothing left.
That type of dynamic seems to happen all the time. At some point, one of the parties starts to feel that the relationship is bringing more pain and angst than benefit, and is vulnerable to having an affair whether they know it or not.
Originally Posted By: ktbc11
Oh…and he says he's had this past affair because he felt like he was never heard and she listens to him. She doesn't judge him like I do. He feels like I've never given him space to breathe and I treat him like he's in prison. He can't do anything he wants and I always blame him for everything that goes wrong, and he's tired of being the "bad guy" in our relationship. He's told me his relationship with the OW is the healthiest relationship he's ever been because he can be himself and not lie.
Most (if not all) of that is going to be "affair script", rationalizing and self-justifying.
You will get past this and you will feel better. Start by reading "The Divorce Remedy" and find Sandy's 37 rules on this forum, those are good places to start.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
We have been married seven years…together for ten. So I guess you could say we had a good six years together before his first affair. When that affair happened, we were working opposite schedules and passing off our young son (1 at the time) in the parking lot of my husband's workplace. We barely saw one another let alone talked. However, he worked with the first OW, so he was seeing her for up to 8 hours every day. I didn't catch on until little things started adding up (he was staying up later, angry with me, etc.) and one day after he stayed up until almost 2 a.m., I checked his phone. It was another month before he ended it. He tried to hide it, but when I found out he was still cheating I asked him to leave. He cried and begged for another chance so I accepted him back and we went to counseling.
The cycle you talked about perfectly describes us. It just went round and round. I'm only noticing differences in our relationship now that I've decided to let it go the best I can and get out of the cycle. I don't snoop, ask about his relationship, ask where he's been, etc. It's made me feel better as a person, but it's also made him very affectionate and more open with me…but at the same time he is still with this other woman and has no intention of ending it. So it's very confusing. I feel like I'm struggling the most with setting boundaries and not having a fear of his reaction.
I try to separate as much of the "affair talk" as I can from how he is truly feeling. This past weekend he opened up to me on how he's always felt like everyone has hated him, how he wishes people would see my faults but they only notice his because of what he's done. I just listened and told him I knew that must be hard.
He says now (since this last affair) that his emotional needs were not being met in our relationship, but he also says he knows and recognizes that he never shared anything with me. He said he didn't think of it as important. I always wanted him to be open with me, but he wasn't and it's one of the reasons I would be upset because I always felt like he was hiding things from me. So that was part of the back-and-forth piece we couldn't get over. Also, part of the reason is that he feels like he could never open up to me about the women at his work and I see his point on that. In a way I felt like I was always waiting for the 'next one' so I didn't trust any relationship he had with another woman. I would question him and dig and pry about any girl he brought up.
I really do feel like I've spent a lot of time trying to "fix" him, but I'm slowly coming to the point where I realize that I can't…he has to choose that for himself. It's still hard for me to step away from that mentality.
