separated 8 weeks still on the journey

[paul19510]

My previous thread won't let me update it. I guess is stuck (like me...ha ha). Thanks all for your thoughtfulness and responses.

Although my current Sitch is 8 weeks old, this is nothing new for me and W. We've been separated before, been to 2 MC and have struggled for years. I got the DB materials late in 2012 and began to work on plans and myself. I can feel a change in me over the past 8 weeks. A friend of mine pointed out today that W's WAS behavior is in a sense controlling behavior (e.g. sit right where I left you and don't move or I'll never come back...) I was scared. one of my biggest fears is/was abandonment. its not anymore. I'm still working thru it, but I survived.

W's life has changed somewhat during this time, but for the most part she simply deleted me from her day to day routine and now lives with her parents while making very big efforts to avoid having to be here with me and the kids. I now only exist in a place and time that she determines for herself.

I want a W (or at least an intimate partner) who will hold my hand on a date, someone who will go to dinner or a movie with me and actually suggest that we do so once in a while. someone who doesn't mind ML and cuddling. I want to go flying (I am a pilot) and enjoy the tree colors changing in the fall. 17 autumns have passed and been asked for with no trip together. I want a W that will be happy to spend 1 or 2 weekends a year at a bed and breakfast. 8 Years have passed since we did that and the last one was a huge fight because I asked to ML on night 2. I want a W who would be glad to share dinner with me even if the kids decide that they'd like to have cereal and don't want to sit together. W would say, they don't want anything, I'm going to the barn. or, I'd be making something and offer her food...response, No thanks. only to return 10 minutes later and make her own food and sit without me. This is not new. You may say that I am rushing to judgment on this, but I believe I need to tell W that I feel differently about our M than I did before.

The time alone has shown me that nothing really changed from when W lived with me. She just lays her head down somewhere else. I still take care of the kids the pets and the house.

I still want the things I listed above from my intimate partner. maybe some things I'd be willing to compromise about but today NONE OF THEM HAPPEN EVER.

We currently have no relationship outside of the business side of our marriage. That's not a marriage to me. it is not a new thing or a surprise. this has been much the same for a very long time. I just kept telling myself, If I could be a better man, a better H, then she'd see. then she'd spend time together or come to kids games.

Whether I wait another 2 weeks or 2 years, W is not likely to tell me she likes holding hands, going away with me or spending time eating a meal together. maybe I'm missing something...I don't drink or do drugs, I work hard for my family. I felt left behind and hurt and I pulled back from W. I'd love to fix that going forward. She's not talking.

I will not eat scraps from the table. I want her to know that I understand that now. Perhaps its time to let her know I've looked into alternatives and I am ready to proceed.

[artsy]

I didn't know this was separation 2, or that there was such a history of issues. (Sorry- I must have glossed over that).

It sounds to me like you're definitely resentful, maybe a tad angry. Let yourself feel it! You're entitled to feel however you feel. It seems your stance changes often, though.

My IC told me I absolutely MUST tell my H at some point how his behavior is impacting other peoples lives and how it makes me feel. The kicker is, I can't do it until his reaction to my statement makes no difference. As far as I've come, I'm definitely not there yet- but I get closer every day!

Same would go for you- if you're ready to move on, do it! But it seems you're not quite there yet because you still are emotionally attached to her behavior- just today you had anxiety. You'll get there soon enough. Have you been going to IC? Not DB coaching- I think everyone should be required to go to IC. Lol you need to figure out YOU outside of your M.

Just some thoughts...

[paul19510]

I didn't know this was separation 2, or that there was such a history of issues. (Sorry- I must have glossed over that).

It sounds to me like you're definitely resentful, maybe a tad angry. Let yourself feel it! You're entitled to feel however you feel. It seems your stance changes often, though.

My IC told me I absolutely MUST tell my H at some point how his behavior is impacting other peoples lives and how it makes me feel. The kicker is, I can't do it until his reaction to my statement makes no difference. As far as I've come, I'm definitely not there yet- but I get closer every day!

Same would go for you- if you're ready to move on, do it! But it seems you're not quite there yet because you still are emotionally attached to her behavior- just today you had anxiety. You'll get there soon enough. Have you been going to IC? Not DB coaching- I think everyone should be required to go to IC. Lol you need to figure out YOU outside of your M.

Just some thoughts...

thanks Artsy. I felt angry/resentful when I wrote I. I am in a place where I want to move from it. the question only I can answer is what direction. I do feel I need to express my thoughts on this change to W when ready. soon enough.

[melissag]

My IC told me I absolutely MUST tell my H at some point how his behavior is impacting other peoples lives and how it makes me feel. The kicker is, I can't do it until his reaction to my statement makes no difference.

My IC told me the same, but I disagree. It is bad enough the way I feel right now (hurt, kicked around, angry, etc.) But telling my H, who couldn't possibly care less how I feel right now wold only make it worse! I mean, half the reason I am so hurt is because he spent so long invalidating my feelings. So how is it going to help for me to give him another chance to invalidate me?

Just my $.02. I'm not even sure some of our Hs/Ws deserve to know how we feel, frankly.

[paul19510]

My IC told me I absolutely MUST tell my H at some point how his behavior is impacting other peoples lives and how it makes me feel. The kicker is, I can't do it until his reaction to my statement makes no difference.

My IC told me the same, but I disagree. It is bad enough the way I feel right now (hurt, kicked around, angry, etc.) But telling my H, who couldn't possibly care less how I feel right now wold only make it worse! I mean, half the reason I am so hurt is because he spent so long invalidating my feelings. So how is it going to help for me to give him another chance to invalidate me?

Just my $.02. I'm not even sure some of our Hs/Ws deserve to know how we feel, frankly.

Hi M! I agree. I still feel strongly that I need to have a convo with W about the overall sitch. Like I said, to me its been a while and I would like to discuss things to see where we're at. I still feel I need to move on. I don't think she's coming home.

[artsy]

M- the "talk" is for us to keep growing, not them. That's why my IC wants me to wait until I'm at a point where it truly doesn't matter what his reaction is. For ME, this is especially important because I tend to bottle everything in because I am not comfortable showing emotion. The talk is a 180 for me

But, I think anyone should do it! I see it like journaling. The paper won't respond, either. But it still feels good to write it down.

[labug]

What's your expectation in letting her know how you feel?

As artsy said:

Same would go for you- if you're ready to move on, do it! But it seems you're not quite there yet because you still are emotionally attached to her behavior- just today you had anxiety

[paul19510]

What's your expectation in letting her know how you feel?

As artsy said:

Same would go for you- if you're ready to move on, do it! But it seems you're not quite there yet because you still are emotionally attached to her behavior- just today you had anxiety

bug, thanks. I needed that question. I can't. Answer it. I want to stop hurting. Part of me wants to be free of my vow. I am tired of feeling alone. Its been way longer than 8 weeks since I got to spend time with someone special going out to est or to a movie. I'm. Tired of living like this. Its hard to do. Make sense?

[LITB]

M- the "talk" is for us to keep growing, not them. That's why my IC wants me to wait until I'm at a point where it truly doesn't matter what his reaction is. For ME, this is especially important because I tend to bottle everything in because I am not comfortable showing emotion. The talk is a 180 for me

But, I think anyone should do it! I see it like journaling. The paper won't respond, either. But it still feels good to write it down.

That is interesting. I would think if you get to the point where his reaction doesn't matter, you have probably grown and detached so much, that the original intent is irrelevant by then.

I see it as pressuring. It is likely that you are not going to get the reaction that you hoped for. I hear Paul saying that his needs have not been met for a long time and he is tired of eating crumbs. I get that. He has to be genuinely ready to move on to have the talk and it not affect him. I can assure you, if it is not genuine, his W will know it.

His words and actions must align. Paul...I know this is your thread, I apologize for talking like you're not in the room.

[labug]

I get it, but telling her where she's gone wrong won't help you feel better.

If it's time to move on, it's time to move on.

Let her go and free yourself.