Anyway, I'm getting off point. The point is, custody will be what it will be. You can't control that. So don't make decisions based on fear around that.
Thanks M. You are right. I just hate feeling so out of control and feeling that he was dangling the custody thing as a punishment. He apologized if he approach was wrong and said that he was not trying to threaten me. He just wants to keep up a cordial co-parenting relationship. I want that too.
Originally Posted By: melissag
As an aside, do you think your H can handle three boys for say, three days in a row by himself? I know my H could never have done that at the ages your kids are. He can barely stand it now at ages 7 and 9. Every time he talks about how great his kids are and how much he loves them, he has to say they are really annoying and/or a pain in the ass sometimes. (It chaps my hide just to think about it, ugh.)
H loved when I was out of town and he had the three kids. Based on his comments though, I also think that it was a huge wake up call. He said that it was impossible to do anything when you had to be with the kids in the morning and then rush home at 530 to pick up the kids. He said that he had to put the kids to bed, then clean up and could not start work again until after 930/10. While my H wants to see the kids every day, I am not sure that he wants full responsibly of them for multiple days in a row. I am not sure he would be willing to take a hit to his business. But I dont want to mind read.
First ....it is way to early in the game for talk about this custody stuff. In a way, at the end of the day, it is one of those things out of everyone's control. The irony being is truly at the end of the day....The kids will decide their own custody arrangement. It sounds weird (and yes your kids are younger), but my kids define pretty much when they want to see their mother. It will work out for the best.
Since I have been following you 3B,,,,I have seen a tale of two women. One who hasn't followed through with boundaries, has had a cake eating happy husband, and was generally unhappy and confused. The other women...now she has enforced her boundaries, ticked off the husband a bit, but was in a much better place mentally and emotionally.
Which do you prefer to be?
From my reading you have two clear boundaries.....Don't use your house as his own.....and the OW has to be gone before you can start on piecing. These are for you and definitely worth keeping. Go to counseling, but stay with your boundaries. You deserve for him to respect these boundaries.
As for him being bothered about Tuesday....That is his to own. If he respected boundary 2....then there would be need for boundary 1 as hopefully he would be working with you on rebuilding the relationship.
Thanks LFW. I fully acknowledge that I seem like two different people. When something happens, I tend to come here and get out my emotions. After a day (and some sleep), I usually am able to regroup and make a rational decision on how to proceed. Hopefully this weekend will give me some clarity.
My H is definitely cake eating. My concern is that my H continues to tell me that I pushed him away during our M and that he is worried I will do the same. If I dont get what I want emotionally from him, H says that I shut him out. I admit that it is true. My concern is that if I continue to do that now, I am showing him more of the same. I guess I dont know how to find a balance.
Going to have a blast with my little guys for three days! Hope you all have a great weekend.
My H is definitely cake eating. My concern is that my H continues to tell me that I pushed him away during our M and that he is worried I will do the same. If I dont get what I want emotionally from him, H says that I shut him out. I admit that it is true. My concern is that if I continue to do that now, I am showing him more of the same. I guess I dont know how to find a balance.
First of all....be weary of anything a WAS says. They rewrite, twist, just about anything to support their view and actions.
Your statement reads very much like you are taking ownership of your husbands feelings. Those are his....So honestly...if you look in the mirror can you say to yourself that you pushed him away? That you shut him out? Honestly!!!...is that the truth.
One of the hardest parts of this journey is looking into the mirror....truly judging yourself. Owning what is TRULY your part of the current situation. Now I am not saying that anything you did warranted the H running to OW. Just that some of what is now was caused by what was....and what was is 50% yours.
I will share though that changing because a WAS pointed out things in you doesn't help....changing to make them happy does not work....Now changing to make yourself a better version of your previous self.....becoming a breathtaking woman only a crazy man would leave.....That works.
We are almost back home from our ski weekend. The boys had an absolute blast. S3 and S5 did a great job skiing on Saturday. My SIL and her best friends helped teach the boys since i can barely ski myself. It was only their second time ever on skis and they were so proud of themselves. S5 and I went tubing together this morning and laughed like crazy the entire time. We took S1 and S3 to a smaller tubing area after so they could join in the fun.
Even though I tried not to think about the sitch, this weekend was a bit tough. As I watched the boys, I realized that I am never going to get to share these moments with my h. While I sent a few pics, it is not the same as if we had both been there to witness them skiing. We will not be able to say "remember when..." because there will be no more joint memories. It breaks my heart. It is not the same to share the experiences with someone else. When we were driving back to our house after skiing, S5 said "I wish daddy was here. He would have been so proud of me.". I realized that my kids will often be left wishing that the other parent could be there to share experiences with. It makes me sad for everyone involved. Poor S1 did not even get to go on one family vacation. It makes me so angry at how selfish my H is. I tell myself that H is the one missing out but in reality we are all missing out on something.
H is coming over tonight since it is our normal family night. We have not see each other since our talk the other day. Except for sending a few pics of the kids, we have not texted/emailed either. It should be interesting to see how he acts. I will be sure to have my DBing smile on. I will definitely need to act "as if" since I have not even started to process what happened the other day.
Tonight was awkward. H was on the phone alot because he had been out of town and was trying to catch up on work. I kept busy unpacking. We talked about our trip and he asked some questions about our weekend. I was glad when it was time for him to head out. It was a long weekend with little sleep so I have my fingers crossed the boys will sleep well and I will wake up energized tomorrow. I will see H for a few minutes on Wednesday/ Thursday and then will not see him for an entire week during which I will have very little contact.
3, I am so glad you had a great weekend with your little loves.
I think that a lot too . . . the things that H is missing out on, and the things that I am missing out on when he is with them. And, the fact that my kids are always missing out on one parent. In fact, today, my D9 said (and S7 agreed) that she missed me when she was with H . . . and the she misses H when she is with me. Stab in the heart. I can't even imagine what it felt like for you to hear your S5 say how proud his Daddy would have been if he had seen him.
And the problem is, I don't know about your H, but I can't tell mine these things. Because I am pretty sure he would view it as me lying or manipulating, OR he would just ignore it and pretend everything is fine.
I hope you are getting a good night's sleep, and am hoping that the time while H is away will be good for you.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Those are tough feelings....and they never really go away. For me, I had to change my mentality to such times to focus on what the kids and I were doing as opposed to what was missing. This one does take a lot of time to master honestly.
Last summer the Kids and I went to Florida for 10 days. This is something we had talked about doing for YEARS....My daughter had it especially tough seeing Cinderella without her mother. What I had to do was keep her focused on the fact that she was in Disney having fun....Not who wasn't there.
No matter how you cut it....Divorce s@cks for kids. We can only strive to be solid for them in face of all the adversity. We also cannot feel pity for the missing parent. They knowingly left the situation and knowingly this is one of the consequences.
Hey 3b, out of the mouths of babes hey... my d6 asked me why i let daddy leave, (when he moved out) and why he doesn't love mummy anymore? ouch! But the custody part is kind of true about them making there own decisions up. It only took 1 solid week for my little ones to ignore daddy's requests when he visited. They seemed to adjust quickly which scared me but also made me realised I wasn't ever going to lose them. I think that's what I was most scared about. New woman etc etc but I am their mum and nothing will ever change that - and they will respond to the one putting in the effort. You will get your empowerment soon - capable of anything you wish and not affraid of anything :-) (()) hugs to you
_____________________________________________________ Me 32 H 32 D 6 S 4 S 11mth
Never allow kindness be misinterpreted for weakness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Try to stay in the present as much as you can, we don't know waht the future holds. There are so many variables, why create a future in your mind that brings sadness?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
