That said....I need to lay some ground rules. My thought is that I need to end physical contact with him until I know that he's done with this.... and be able to verify that by him getting a full-panel STD test (and another 6 months later), a copy of the results given to me.
How will that verify that he's done with this? Not a bad idea but I don't think it will accomplish that verification.
Portia, you can create whatever boundary best protects you.
There. Fixed that for you.
Starsky
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
That said....I need to lay some ground rules. My thought is that I need to end physical contact with him until I know that he's done with this.... and be able to verify that by him getting a full-panel STD test (and another 6 months later), a copy of the results given to me.
There. Fixed that for you.
Starsky
How will that verify that he's done with this? Not a bad idea but I don't think it will accomplish that verification.
Portia, you can create whatever boundary best protects you. You might want to post some of your thoughts here and get feedback.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
That said....I need to lay some ground rules. My thought is that I need to end physical contact with him until I know that he's done with this.... and be able to verify that by him getting a full-panel STD test (and another 6 months later), a copy of the results given to me.
There. Fixed that for you.
Starsky
How will that verify that he's done with this? Not a bad idea but I don't think it will accomplish that verification.
Portia, you can create whatever boundary best protects you. You might want to post some of your thoughts here and get feedback.
It's what any good doctor would recommend. Do you have a better way?
I'm trying to get Portia to not simply take her husband's word for "Oh, I've ended it," before resuming LM with him. And even IF/WHEN he ends it, she'll need to ask him to get tested, because he could have contracted something while with OW.
Okay - feeling brave. Going to initiate conversation while he is still in town with OW.
Maybe he can figure out what he wants to do before he comes home...if he comes home.
STOP operating based on your feelings of the moment. This goes for when you're feeling "brave" as well as when you're feeling down and defeated.
Learn to begin OWNING your emotions and feelings, but not ACTING on them, at least not for something as crucial as a confrontation that could forever change your marriage.
Don't get me wrong, I am NOT against standing up for one's own boundaries of personal integrity -- in fact, I'm a huge proponent. But do it at the right time, after much thought and planning, and in a calm way that will get your point across.
Learning to stop leading with your feelings would be a great first step for you, IMHO.
This can also be done not only in deciding what YOU proactively do or say to your husband, but also when being asked to RESPOND to him (learn to avoid "R" talks). "I'm not sure HOW I feel about that anymore . . . I'll have to think about that" is your friend.
It's a great idea! It will verify that he doesn't have an STD at the time of the testing but it won't verify that he's no longer having sex with her, which is what I took his "being done with this" to mean.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It's a great idea! It will verify that he doesn't have an STD at the time of the testing but it won't verify that he's no longer having sex with her, which is what I took his "being done with this" to mean.
No, you are correct -- it wouldn't. I was just focusing on the immediate health risk, first. He would also have to agree to full transparency if he is to be believed.
He's actually been transparent. I have full access to his emails and his IMs...he has simply encouraged me to NOT read them. Based on what I've read here, that's the advice they give. Don't read - it will only get you upset.
In his eyes, he's being honest, which is, in his eyes, what makes this okay.
He claims that he loves me and that our marriage is forever. He just has strong emotions for this other woman, too.
And we just end up at the same stalemate again and again.
Which brings me back to what brought me here. How much am I willing to tolerate? Divorce would be terrible for the children. It would be terrible for me. It would be terrible for him. Neither of us want to do that.
Unfortunately, we are on totally opposite sides of how to handle this particular situation. And this is the first time in our 21 years together that I've felt this way. Do I throw away 21 years of greatness for something that could fade in the near future, since she wants to have babies with her husband soon?
He thinks that I only dislike this relationship because society tells me that it's wrong. Admittedly, that's part of the reason I dislike it. I've also told him that it's really disrespectful to me, the person who he says is his best friend. He doesn't get it. And he WOULD have gotten it 20, 15, 10, 5 years ago. Which is why I think this is a MLC...which means I just have to hang on for the ride.
Time is on my side. I need to be able to think clearly, which I'm not doing very well now.
Me 43 H 43 Married 18 years Together 21 years Two kids, 15 and 13 BD 11/14/13 (but not asking for divorce - just informing me of OW)
He thinks that I only dislike this relationship because society tells me that it's wrong. Admittedly, that's part of the reason I dislike it.
First of all, he is trying to play you and make you think you are wrong to be against this R. However, are you saying that you would be okay with it if society was ok? I doubt you would be, but if you would be then why do you care what other people think? It is your life and your M.
I would not tell your H that you will be here waiting for him because it doesn't give him any reason to end it. He has both of you, there is no need to make a choice.
Personally, I would tell him that you love him but you will not participate in a M that includes a 3rd person and then I would go about building my own life, being friendly to him but not open to playing husband and wife. The vets may have different advice...
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
