Blissfully married for 18 years. Would have sworn we were the poster children for awesomest marriage ever. At 18 years and one month, H drops the bomb that he'd specifically gone on a business trip to tell a 30-year old newlywed co-worker that he was "smitten" with her. He didn't know if she would laugh at him, yell at him, or return the emotion. She has returned the emotion. He did, in fairness, tell her that his marriage is paramount to him, and that he doesn't want to hurt her marriage either.
He returns from the trip and tells me to give him a high five...he actually thinks that, as his best friend, that I'll be stoked for him that a 30 year old woman is interested in him. He is shocked that I'm hurt. He is then MAD that I'm hurt. He thought we were stronger than this. I'm stunned.
They go on a furious email and IM exchange over the next month. She sends lots of pictures. They exchange music preferences. She sends him pictures of choices of nail polish. He encourages her to wear dresses (and so she goes and buys one for the office party). She holds his hands at a pub while he hangs his head, embarrassed. She says to him, "You're never going to kiss me..." so he does. They go to a hotel room and get physical, but don't go all the way. I'm being informed about these things if I ask, but I've been warned from reading the messages because they might "hurt."
Twice I ask him to break up with her. Twice he cries, and says that he doesn't want to make her sad. He says he cares about me, but I point out, "Not enough..." Indeed...not enough. This itch feels too darned good to scratch.
Then she leaves for a three-week international vacation with her husband, so the correspondence cools, but doesn't stop. He and I have a great time together. We go on dates and feel kind of normal. He tells me repeatedly that he loves me and our life. Repeatedly I hear that he isn't leaving our marriage, that we will grow old together. He tells me to be patient while he brings this relationship to a place that I can be comfortable with. He claims to "worship" me. He says he is glad that I've started sitting with him on the couch in the evenings again - he likes that time with me.
So...Do the 180s apply? For me, a 180 would be spending MORE time with him, not less. He wants me to flirt with him by IM while he's at work, but I feel like it's a competition and I'm NOT going to compete with OW. He sent me a text at 5 am saying that he loves me, but I don't even know how to respond to that right now...Tell me when it's over, buddy....Then it will mean something to me.
I'm definitely a stander...I've told him that I'll wait this out. It feels like a MLC to me since he was talking about some regrets that he's had about getting married at 24 and he's trying to make up for those things. I don't know....It's just so confusing. I don't know how to do this.
Me 43 H 43 Married 18 years Together 21 years Two kids, 15 and 13 BD 11/14/13 (but not asking for divorce - just informing me of OW)
I'll tell you what I think it means...I think it means "over." That's the place that I can be comfortable with the relationship.
He has told me that this should not have come as a surprise to me because he has long wanted "variety." I guess I just thought that all men wanted variety, but most men didn't actually act on it. And so I find myself here, in my own special kind of hell.
We had always had a very active sex life....Seriously, 4 or 5 times a week was normal for us, so it's not like that part of our marriage was broken. It wasn't varied, but it was active.
I've told him that the whole thing makes me sick, and that I'm terrified he's going to leave me ("No way,") or that he will get her pregnant (she wants to have kids soon) or get a disease. He started thinking about disease, and even though they'd just been kissing, he got freaked out enough that he actually went out and had a herpes 1 and 2 test done. Do you know that he and I are in the minority of people who DON'T have the herpes 1 virus (seriously - most adults have it). He says he would die if he ever gave me a disease.
But he's in her city now. They went out together last night. He hasn't offered ANY information about their conversations (he often does). But here he sits today - trying to flirt with me. And I'm losing my mind, because I'm flipping damned if I do and damned if I don't. In previous trips, I would have been delighted to flirt with him...but now...now it just feels wrong.
Me 43 H 43 Married 18 years Together 21 years Two kids, 15 and 13 BD 11/14/13 (but not asking for divorce - just informing me of OW)
I've told him that the whole thing makes me sick, and that I'm terrified he's going to leave me ("No way,") or that he will get her pregnant (she wants to have kids soon) or get a disease. He started thinking about disease, and even though they'd just been kissing, he got freaked out enough that he actually went out and had a herpes 1 and 2 test done.
The chances are about 95% that they've done much more than kissing, based on your posts here, your posts on the Infidelity forum, and the fact that he ran out and had those tests done.
Honestly - I have the patience of a saint. (Seriously.)
That said....I need to lay some ground rules. My thought is that I need to end physical contact with him until I know that he's done with this....And that may mean that he'll get mad and move out or go see her...IDK. But I think I have to do that to protect myself.
I'm so horrified to be in this situation.
Me 43 H 43 Married 18 years Together 21 years Two kids, 15 and 13 BD 11/14/13 (but not asking for divorce - just informing me of OW)
Anyway - I think I need to end physical contact, but I have to tell him that in person rather than by email or IM....Which means waiting until he comes home.
This is a mess.
Me 43 H 43 Married 18 years Together 21 years Two kids, 15 and 13 BD 11/14/13 (but not asking for divorce - just informing me of OW)
Portia - I am so sorry to read your posts. Your H is an a$$. How can anyone possible think that their W would be ok with an open A? I think that you are correct in needing to end physical contact with your H until he ends his A. He is not going to like it, but this is about now YOU feel. If you are not comfortable with it, then it needs to stop for your own sanity.
That said....I need to lay some ground rules. My thought is that I need to end physical contact with him until I know that he's done with this.... and be able to verify that by him getting a full-panel STD test (and another 6 months later), a copy of the results given to me.
