One of the things you should work on is becoming a more genuine, confident, person that moves forward with deliberate action. By genuine, I don't mean to infer anything other than you should speak the truth in your heart, and stop trying to be a pleaser and avoiding confrontation. Asking your husband not to get the OM pregnant and not to get a disease tacitly (if not overtly) gave him permission to have s@x with her. Not telling your mother in law to butt out of your marriage is another example of not standing up for yourself. People need to have boundaries in healthy relationships. Being a pleaser, and avoiding confrontation, allows others to cross over your boundaries unmolested. People will only respect the boundaries that you enforce!
If your marriage doesn't fall apart as a result of your husband's cheating with this woman, your actions are only ensuring that he will do it again, and again, and again with other women. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a serial philanderer? I and others on here learned the hard way that tough love is the ONLY love that will get your marriage back and in good shape. Many folks on these boards will ask you to sit back and take a passive attitude in fixing your marriage. I guarantee you that those folks that would advocate this course have not fixed their own marriages for that very reason.
Stand up straight, dust yourself off, look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and say: "I do not deserve to be treated the way my husband is treating me. I'm a beautiful woman that any man would be lucky to have. From now on, I'm going to consciously present myself that way to the world. Nobody is going to stop me from living the life that I desire!". Do this every single day until you believe it in your heart.
I totally agree that I've basically given him permission (even though he doesn't have my permission), but there's a reason why....We were young when we met and ultimately got married, and he's always been bothered by the fact that I had one more sexual partner than he had before we met. (Our numbers were both really small - neither of us was terribly experienced.) So - we've conversed about the fact that this one will allow him to catch up.
IDK....It's dumb....but I guess I really do hope that it will appease this stupid itch that's been bugging him for 20 years.
On the other hand - you're TOTALLY right. I'm better than this, and he knows it, too.
I've been struggling with this, truly....
Me 43 H 43 Married 18 years Together 21 years Two kids, 15 and 13 BD 11/14/13 (but not asking for divorce - just informing me of OW)
I totally agree that I've basically given him permission (even though he doesn't have my permission), but there's a reason why....We were young when we met and ultimately got married, and he's always been bothered by the fact that I had one more sexual partner than he had before we met. (Our numbers were both really small - neither of us was terribly experienced.) So - we've conversed about the fact that this one will allow him to catch up.
IDK....It's dumb....but I guess I really do hope that it will appease this stupid itch that's been bugging him for 20 years.
You basically gave him PERMISSION to have an affair, as has been pointed out to you above.
That being said, there's nothing written that says you can't change your mind.
"I have decided that I'm no longer willing to live in an open marriage, and I'm no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair" would be a great place to start.
PortiaM - looks like you and I are in the same boat. I basically gave my H permission to have an affair because I felt guilty that I was not able to gratify him sexually (once every three weeks or so on my part). Well, H had an EA in Sept 2013 and it still continues. He insists OW is just a friend now, but they are still in touch via txt/phone. I'm devastated; he says I gave him permission so he shouldn't have to give her up. I'm lost as to what to do. Sigh.
Best wishes to you. I will keep an eye on this thread, as it will undoubtedly help me out.
And thanks to HopefulStill for such a wonderful response earlier!
----------------- Me-50 Married 25 yrs D15, D18 Husband is “friends” with OW
I'm not sure where to begin. Your lack of self worth saddens me. Unless its directly addressed, I only see you further enabling the poor behavior of those around you.
Your husband and his mother (and who knows who else) walk all over you. You tolerate, make excuses for and enable their abuse. Then, you self abuse by calling yourself "the biggest idiot in the world". Why is this? I think you need a very good IC to help you learn to love and respect yourself more.
In direct response to your post- your husband's excuse is mind bogglingly stupid. One would have to be an even bigger idiot to accept such an excuse. Do not be that idiot- you are not "the biggest idiot in the world".
