My W and I have been married for about 5 years, but have been dating for about 12 (since her senior year of high school). After moving in together and getting married we drifted apart over time as time went by (the initial shock of transitioning from living singly into a family household didn't help at the start, either).
We were pregnant after about two years. During the pregnancy an old friend of hers (back from when we were first dating) moved back into the area. After our DD was born my W fell victim to postpartum. During that time she never really connected to the new baby and just wanted to escape from being a parent and being in the new family. As soon as our DD was weaned from the breast to a bottle my wife started spending much of her weekends with the OM.
At first I thought it was a good thing. She was getting out, looked healthier, and was generally happier. Most can see where this is headed...they start talking all the time. An old friendship turns into an EA, which eventually evolves into a PA. This process continues for two years, all the while I'm taking care of our DD and home.
When I finally found out and confronted my WW, she confessed to it, but wasn't remorseful. She told the OM that the most he can hope for will be friends and if he pushes for more he's done. She has agreed to stay to work on the M, attend IC (which is big considering her disdain for therapists), and recognizes that it'll take time. She won't agree to NC, however, saying that right now she can't afford to lose a friend (we both have a handful of acquaintances, but generally only maintain two or three very close friends at a time). At the moment she only really has one other person besides the OM (apparently I'm family, so I don't count...she loves me but doesn't like me too much at the moment).
So...how does one go about unraveling the emotional attachment from a long-term emotional affair?
You can't. You can't control your wife. All you can do is decide what YOUR boundaries are, and what YOU will (or won't) abide in your marriage. Are you willing to live in an open marriage? Are you willing to live in a marriage knowing your wife is still having contact with someone she's had an affair with?
This is hard for us betrayed spouses to wrap our brains around, especially us MEN. But the sooner you come to grips with the fact that YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOUR WIFE, the better off you will be. It is at the same time both a terrifying and then ultimately a liberating realization.
You are making a massive mistake tolerating her continued contact with the OM. It's a mistake that I made after and early discovery of my wife's EA, and it only lead to them continuing in the A. Your wife is an addict- she is addicted to the OM. She is only placating you. In reality, she wants to keep her relationship with the OM going. She either wants to work on the M or she doesn't. Do not be a doormat and allow the continued contact.
You are making a massive mistake tolerating her continued contact with the OM. It's a mistake that I made after and early discovery of my wife's EA, and it only lead to them continuing in the A. Your wife is an addict- she is addicted to the OM. She is only placating you. In reality, she wants to keep her relationship with the OM going. She either wants to work on the M or she doesn't. Do not be a doormat and allow the continued contact.
-hs
If they cannot decide, what do you do? Do you get out? Do you ask them to leave?
Me: 36 H: 36 No kids EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014 Separate bedrooms/still living together
You are making a massive mistake tolerating her continued contact with the OM. It's a mistake that I made after and early discovery of my wife's EA, and it only lead to them continuing in the A. Your wife is an addict- she is addicted to the OM. She is only placating you. In reality, she wants to keep her relationship with the OM going. She either wants to work on the M or she doesn't. Do not be a doormat and allow the continued contact.
-hs
If they cannot decide, what do you do? Do you get out? Do you ask them to leave?
That would depend on what your own boundaries of personal integrity are. Are you willing to live in an open marriage? If so (say, while your spouse decides), for how long? What smaller boundaries are you willing to put in place in the meantime, to protect yourself, your family and your finances?
Tough questions, and I was there, too. But one has to start by deciding "what do I believe? what will I abide? What is the right thing to do . . . what is the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?" . . . and then let the chips fall where they may.
Too often, betrayed spouses instead base their decision-making on feelings-oriented things like "If I enforce thus-and-such a boundary, will my wife be angry?" or "If I confront my husband, will it push him further away from me?" I think those are the wrong approaches.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm loosing my mind! It's so easy for me to say out loud what I should be doing "logically", but emotionally I can't seem to let go, and this is making me loose focus!!
baby steps, day by day.. at least I now know where I'm heading, difficult as it my be be to accept, I need to face it..
my goal for today is to make an app for some IC to help me with the process..
Me: 36 H: 36 No kids EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014 Separate bedrooms/still living together
There's nothing wrong with emotions. They are what make us human, after all!
Just try not to base your DECISION-MAKING on them . . . especially your IMPORTANT decisions. I bawled like a baby many times during my wife's affair, burying my head in a bath towel in the bathroom at 2am so my wife and kids wouldn't hear me. But I'd like to think that I made my decisions based on my plan, and not on those emotions which swung wildly all over the map.
Cadet likes to tell people here that they've been given a gift -- a gift of TIME. Use it wisely, to figure out who you are, what you stand for, and what your core beliefs are. You will make yourself a better person, and simultaneously have the added bonus of being more attractive to your wayward spouse.
I just wanted to post a quick update on my situation. My WW has told me that she still occasionally texts and calls the OM, but has refused to give me the login information to our cellular account to verify. Obviously she has refused to agre to NC and transparency.
I've spent the past few weeks trying to improve the relationship while setting the stage for an ultimatum. The only "slips" I've had in my 180's has occasionally asking whether she was texting the OM or "acting secretive" (this last one being one of her complaints about me). Things HAVE actually gotten better, if you ignore the OM lurking in the background.
I'm meeting with a lawyer at the end of the week, will open a new checking account shortly, and have been working on identifying the other points I'd need to sever if she doesn't agree to comply. If she refuses, I'll have to leave. Logistically there is no other way short of quitting my job (it's a long commute) or taking my DD out of her current daycare and moving away. My leaving will be the closest to what she would experience in a D as she'll get without actually having one.
If I go this route, should I still provide the minimal amount for child support (20% for my state). Do I tell family and friends the truth of why I'm not around if she goes to them for help and asks why I'm not doing "x"?
