She goes on to say that 'the crazy guy got mad that i dont want to have in depth discussions with him, i don't even want to have clipped conversations with him'. I wasn't mad, more sad, I didn't say anything when she told me she didn't have anything to talk about....I just walked away.
I get the same thing. I told W how proud I was that she landed the job that she wanted last week. Later I hear her on the phone with a friend saying "He's mad because I got a job." I've concluded that the space you need to give them at this time is good for you too.
So I find out today that my wife has a lump in her breast. She is going for a mammogram tomorrow. She has yet to speak of it to me. I find that pretty sad that as scared as she must be she isn't relying on me at all. I would like to be there for her if i could and i think that feeling is only a small amount of an agenda type activity.
I am tempted to show up at the doctor's office tomorrow for her appointment. Not sure how that would be taken. Would she be relieved that I was there with her as she is too stubborn to ask for help. Or would she be thinking 'omg, this guy won't leave me alone'.
any input/ideas/thought on this one?
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I don't think you want to just show up and surprise her. I don't see any way that ends well. She'll figure you've been spying on her since she didn't tell you. It's a very personal thing and she has chosen not to tell you.
I hate to say this, and I hope nobody jumps me, but I think this is one of those opportunities for her to find out what life will be like without you at her side. And I don't mean that in any vindictive kind of way at all - nothing is scarier than finding a lump and then waiting to find out what it is. But reality has a way of inconveniencing people and we may not be there to cover for them. That's part of the consequences of choices, and so far she's choosing to leave you out of this.
For all you know, she may be testing herself here to see if she can go it alone.
But if she does tell you about it and invites you along, by all means go. Let's all hope it turns out to be nothing.
Let her ask you to go. Like zew said this is very personal.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
You know, I think I am starting to get an attitude about this situation. Unanswered emails (not chit chat but kids schedules/activities type things), barely acknowledging my existance, asking me to do this or that for the kids (which i do, cause they are my kids).
Half of me wants to R, the other half wants her gone. Back from her appointment, no mention of it to me. The only reason I know about it is because I accidently wiped my phone. Turns out when you use 'icloud' to back up your phone and other people all share the same account....you can accidenlty download another person's contacts etc to your phone!
Took me awhile to figure out what was going on. Every time wife got a text it also went to my phone. that is how i found out about the appointment. Since have rebooted my phone to my old format, my old contacts. Anyway, needed to vent a touch.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
[/quote]Half of me wants to R, the other half wants her gone.
I'm sure each of us has said that, but here's the thing. Let's look at the second half of your statement. You can always walk away. You can control that. But because it's always an option, there's no rush.
Here's the rub. If you walk, how much and how long will you wonder if the first half of your statement would have been the better option? And you know she's in a crappy mental state right now, and so are you, so you can be pretty sure that just walking away now will leave stones unturned. And if you walk too soon, will you have given yourself time to grow and shed whatever baggage YOU brought into the breakdown.
That's what keeps me in this game anyway. If that's the eventual outcome, I'd like to think we were both in as rational a mindset as possible, versus emotionally driven, and I will have learned as much as possible.
Took me a while to get to that thinking, but if there's a clock running on this thing, it doesn't need to be mine just yet.
I guess if I am starting to feel slightly resentful/frustrated at our situation I would imagine she must feel even more so. I try to give her space, no emails, no texts, no conversation about R. But we still live in the same house and sleep in the same bed so as far as 'giving space' goes, it is somewhat limited.
She is taking the kids to a hockey game tomorrow and she invited me along. A month ago I would have jumped at the chance...now I am not so sure. I would probably enjoy the trip but I wonder at the same time if I am shooting myself in the foot long term. Should i take this opportunity to spend time with her, or give her even more 'space' and politely decline?
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
You said she invited you. I guess I'd want to know if you sensed that she meant it, or whether she did it begrudgingly. If it was a sincere invite, I see no reason to snub her, I'd go. But expect nothing, and don't read anything into it, and don't look at it as an opportunity for anything. As long as you don't crowd her and talk about anything other than hockey, you'll still be giving her space. Should just be a relaxing family outing, nothing more.
I would suggest not turning up at the doctors. She would be freak out trust me on that because that what I did post BD. It didn't went well as W went around telling her Frens she was scared when I suddenly turned up. Even though it was easy for me to guess where she went since she did told me she's heading to a doctors appt.
