my wife abandon me

[ye21]

Hello people, I am going to let you know at what point we are....we married 3 years ago and being together 4 1/2 years.

My W left this last thursday the house and 3 days later she asked me for divorce and said she doesnt want to be with me anymore and that its a final decission.
Also she said that she doesnt want me to grow any hope of being back together because its not gonna happen ever.

She said that we will go to couples therapy to discuss the divorce terms with a moderator and to also say goodbye in a friendly way.

And we started this wednesday, she seated in a chair and when i tried to move my chair closrr to her one she said: no, I asked for that chair to be there I dont want you close ti me.
everything was so cold, she was talking like she felt nothing at all and like she believes its really a definitive decission.
she started by saying the reasons that made her leave the house...she was tired that we kept fighting, that I am so insecure and inmature, that I never supported her in her dream of become an actress, that I basically never trust her and that I manipulate and contro her to make her be a different person.

And well it was my time to talk....the therapist was asking her if she can separate instead of divorce but my W said that she is very clear that a year ago she stayed in the relationship because she felt sorry about me but she didnt see me changing so she wanted to divorce.

So when it was my time to talk I was calm and numb I had no feelings at all, it was freaking weird, but I went and told her and the therapist the reasons why I was behaving like that (a problem with my father when I was a kid) so I explained that she was right and that I felt trully sorry about it and I will respect her decission whatever it is, so I confessed my W hoe I lied to her exagerating the reality of storyes about me when I was young.
I told her once that I was a good cyclist and a proffesiinal team wanted to hire me when I was 14 to compete with them......
I always tried to do that with everybody so I can be admired for others and feel myself more strong, its a narcissist trai.
Well so I got very emotional while I was sharing all that and my wife the same way she was...not feeling nothing, almost not looking at me, and once I finished she said:
- i had no idea which one was the issue but thank you for letting me know, again I have to tell you that no matter how much you change and improve, this decission its a final one and we will never be together again...
And then she started asking who was gonna keep the cats, wich cat will be for who ( we have 3 cats) that she doesnt mind I keep the apartment, she asked me if I was gonna bring a rommate and I told her I didnt knew yet, she said just wanna to know because half of the security deposit its mine so I will appreciate if you can pay me that money soon.

She also said that for the next 2 weeks she doesnt want no contact at all and that she will be back on the therapy in 2 weeks, when she said that I told her why do you wanna keep coming, and she said she wants to know a little more of what I did to her and if I lied to her about more things to be able to let me go in peace.
i asked her if she love me and she said, with a very cold expression and voice I do and I will always love you, I still have feelings for you but that doesnt mean I want to be with you anymore, this is over as a couple and thats my decission.

So guys here I am working with my therapist into fixing all of my issues and also not contacting my now ex and trying to assume that its over and writting here to see what do you guys think. I know I have to let her go and I will exactly do that and I will completely respect her choices but I love her and once I recover myself and love myself I would love to start a new relationship with her.

Please some opinions and advices if possible. Thanks

[FlyOnTheWall]

Howdy Y, glad to see you made it over!!

Few questions to start, how old are both of you? do you have any kids? Are you still living together, did she move, did you move?

Not that it really matters too much, but do you think there's OM involved?

If she's asking for time and space, don't underestimate that request, just give it to her. I know its hard, but it will be good, for the both of you, even thou it doesn't feel like it.

Read sandi's 37 rules.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes


Learn these, implement them into your life. Right now, your old marriage is GONE, but that doesn't mean you cant have a new one.
Patience, cause this is going to take a LONG time, understand that now, I cant even begin to explain how your patience will be tested time and time again.

[FlyOnTheWall]

I know your going to want some answers, you wont get them, you certainly are NOT going to get answers your happy with anyways.

Keep yourself as BUSY as you can, join a gym, pick up or restart a hobby that you've given up, eat, make sure your sleeping best you can. Your mind it going to be taking you places that you don't want to go, so the busier you can be the less it will be on your mind. I'd often go down to the library, its free, you have a plethora of books to read that can help.

The hardest thing for you right now, is going to be to DETACH. Which basically means, you have to be able to forget about what your wife is doing, or in other words, focus on yourself.

Do some research here on the forums, read some people sitch's (situations) and get a feel for what your up against. Knowledge is power, give yourself some tools. Theres many stories here that will feel like they were written with you in mind. Know your not alone, vent here, ask for advice, journal to get things out. You'll find holding it back will only result in more frustration.

Do you have a friend you can confide in, please be careful bringing this up to family. They don't want to see you hurting, and some advice will be given seem like short term fixes, but in the long run, don't really help you out. That's what this forum is for, its a neutral outlet, we'll be honest with you to a fault, we'll smack ya with a 2 x 4, when your falling off the rails, but the advice will always be to help. We're here to help you try and save your marriage, not make it worse.

[FlyOnTheWall]

Last of all, be positive, another hard one. You'll see the term "fake it till you make it". Any contact must be positive, no R (relationship) talk, PERIOD. Don't find reasons to contact your wife.

I see by your last comment that you are already using the term EX. That's not being positive, unless your divorced already and I missed something.

Your objective is to learn to be the man only a fool would leave.
Write down the issues you think helped contribute to the sitch, work on those, change them, become better. Not in a temp way to show you can do it win her back either, but real lifestyle changes that will be permanent. Get into some IC (individual counseling), if you can afford it, try to get some phone counseling here, number at top of every page. They will tailor a strat for YOU and your unique situation, trust me when I say its worth every penny. If you think saving your marriage is worth a few hundred dollars now, compared to a possible divorce later, you'll know what I mean.

Hopefully Cadet will be posting his welcome post with some fabulous links that you HAVE to read. Its time to get to work, its a long road ahead. You can do it my friend, so don't panic, just understand its a process, and we're here to help you thru it.

[melissag]

Wow, FOTW gave you some awesome advice here, Y.

I don't have much to add, just wanted to say that you have found a great community here, and you will be OK regardless of what happens with your M and your W.

You have a lot of work ahead of you. I am almost 4 months out from BD and every day I find a new thing I need to work on. Work on things as though, with hard enough work, you can fix them immediately, but understand that you simply can't. What happens with the M will happen . . . you can't control your W. Follow the 37 rules - they won't make your W come back, but if you don't follow them, you may end up pushing her farther away. That's all you can do with respect to your M. The rest of the focus has to be on you, so that you will be OK no matter what.

As FOTW said, GAL! Exercise, eat right, don't isolate yourself. Make sure you have things to do other than think about your sitch. Find your support system and take advantage of the help people offer you. All of this stuff sounds impossible at the beginning, but you will see that it gets easier and you will slowly start to feel better no matter what your W is doing.

Read some other threads here, too. And remember that feelings change. Just as you won't always feel as tormented as you do right now, your W may not feel as resolved to D as she does right now. Take it one day at a time.

[ye21]

thank you all for your responses, I have been following those lines that you sent me in the first response... I don't contact her at all.
She sent me this email a couple of days ago:


I would like to come pick up my stuff next week. Can you email me the times you will be out of the house so I can know when I can do that?

Also, the car needs to be transfered to you. Can you leave the insurance card that shows the address of ...... so I can take that to the DMV and have them resend the title to the right address. I will pick up the card next week when I come get my stuff.

I also would like to know if you think you are going to be able to return the security deposit of $775 to me soon?

And the last part is regarding your papers in this country. I would like to sign the divorce papers soon. Please let me know if you need me to wait a month or two until you get your permanent greencard or what.

Thank you.

Then after that the next day she sent me an email because the car insurance emails go directly to her email so she sent me an email where she ask for me to change the email address...

Again my friends I didn't respond to none of the emails and I am planning not to do it, I think maybe she is feeling insecure or trying to make me reassure her decision of getting D and that's why I rather not contact her.

when we went to couples therapy last week she used the therapist as a mediator for our D, and basically she asked me already all the things that she is asking me again on the email, and I was fully commited as I told her to do what she needs but obviously I cant paint money.... so she will have to wait a little bit.

There I can see one of the 2 biggest issues in our relationship... no matter how many times I told her the things she will need to repeat them to me, so basically she doesn't trust me at all and I cant be with somebody so insecure no matter how much I love them.
I feel when somebody matters for you, you just don't send them an email, you first try to call them or in this case she has the keys of the house, I texted her when we were in couples therapy my days off and also I told her yes to everything in that couples therapy, what else she wants? hurt me more?

Also why she is in such a rush to get the freaking divorce?? we had been together for 4 and a half years, I don't understand the rush to divorce in a month or two...

[ye21]

oh I am 34 years old and she is 29 and we have no kids...but we have 3 cats and I see myself fighting for custody hahaha (I am trying to laugh about all this)

[ye21]

Also she has an acting play february 22nd, should I show up there even if we dont talk to show her support? Maybe like that she can see I am really changing...

[MrBond]

Have you actually read DB or DR books? That is the first thing you need to do and an important step for us to help you.

[ye21]

Yes mrbond I am finishing the DR.