On to Divorce and still litigating...new life.

[FloydMan]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2424172#Post2424172

New thread....hope I did it right and link to previous above.

Thanks AJM. Ya she is not right. Regret in general that it is the end, I guess. Definitely nothing I did, that deserves the hate. I did everything on the up and up and honest. Maybe regret I was so busy with work, kids and their sports doing what i believed was right for the family that I did not get her, and us the help needed. Not sure that would have helped. She sees nothing wrong with her behaviour. 2 of her friends yesterday told me they are concerned about her and see her faltering and she has been lying to them. They are stunned she cancelled trip with kids and went on her own over the Holidays. very selfish. One has completely lost faith in her and does not want to associate with her except with our kids being best friends. Got warm hugs. They know me well as I have coached their kids for years and their H's are my pals. Just sad we cannot enjoy things together anymore too. Sad what she has become and what our family has become.

[AJM]

I doubt it would have been anything that helped, FM.

There was a time I felt as you did to a degree. I wondered if I had done something different or if I hadn't loved her enough or... Truth is, I have nothing I need to feel any regret for. I wouldn't change the things I did or did not do. That by itself is incredibly hard - to have the consequence without having done the crime, right?

It's part of the risk of loving someone, though.

I know it was harder to sort out feelings while she was around. Even after she left and remarried, she wouldn't quite go away That's harder because of the distractions.

But it comes down to her choice. Her belief that it's what she needs and wants. Her journey in life. It wasn't something I did or didn't do. Strictly her choice.

I used to joke that I should have done some of those things she accused me of. I don't joke about that any longer. I know better

Wish her the best, FM. If her friends are seeing such things, and you're seeing them, and others are seeing them - but she doesn't? Wish her the best and leave her to it, my friend. She's going to eventually need it.

AJ

[FloydMan]

Ya, I have tried to be nice and just be amicable. Nothing I could do or didn't do would have helped. She still wants continued battles and war, that to me is weird. My empathy for her is gone. She just wants misery for me, to frustrate me and to see me fail. That's not going to happen I know, but coparenting is next to impossible. Horrible example for the children. She's a bully and will always be one. I think if she were in love with someone, this would have stopped or at least she'd want quicker and soother settlement and cooler heads prevail. She is just selfish not all there.

[dxw689]

You're an inspiration Floydman: You're doing it right. A better 2014 for you...

[FloydMan]

Thanks dxw .... Not sure I have done it all right but I get the appropriate learning, reminders and the 2x4's once in a while from amazing people on this board and from close friends and family and IC. It is about moving on, knowing who we are as genuine, caring people and never letting go of that but letting go of those that bring us down and hurt us. It is a looooong process especially when they drag matters longer through bad decisions, spite and acrimony. 2014 is definitely the year to fully move on. I start a new job tomorrow that is a better opportunity and step up from the role I just resigned from to take this. It was nice to be recruited pretty hard and feel wanted, trusted and relied upon for this senior role from people who know me in the business. My self esteem had been crushed and felt through my M failure and reminders from exW that is was all my fault that I was worthless. Took me a long time to know that was not true, but really played on the sense of worth. The WAS's words mean nothing and is only their issues they cannot accept and do this to validate themselves. I went on a date last week with someone (she asked me) that I have known since high-school. I liked this girl all through HS and University years but never made a move. Wasn't sure how it went last week....she knows i always liked her. She loves sports, especially hockey and baseball! She still looks stunning, and we had some good laughs, reminiscing and reconnecting from years ago. Today she asked me to go out again for dinner and a show. I guess it went well. Oddly, she knows my ExW ( through me but not spoken to her in 3 years ) and made a comment over dinner last week she thinks my exW is messed up and a fool. Life is funny. Can't get my hopes up, but ideally she cares more than just hanging out. We'll see. 2nd Date will be Feb 1.

[dxw689]

Wow! Great news- it is good to read these things and know that things can get better for me too- Good luck on 2nd date!

[AJM]

Took me a long time to know that was not true, but really played on the sense of worth. The WAS's words mean nothing and is only their issues they cannot accept and do this to validate themselves.

That right there is something that should not happen again, FM. There should not be a long time for you to know yourself.

And yes, that is exactly what it takes to be the bully toward you she is. It's her issues and she is taking her pain out on you by trying to hurt you. If she didn't, she'd have to admit her feelings have nothing to do with you. She would be the crazy one, even to her and she can't face that right now. She has to make it somebody's fault. You're it.

Be good to yourself, but be sure you don't lose you. Be sure to know you at all times. There should never be another time when somebody else can tell you about yourself and you wonder if it's true - you should know before they tell you

I'm saying this as a high-and-mighty kind of person FM. I made that mistake as well. It took me quite some time to work through exactly what you're working through.

She isn't the one that stopped. I just stopped listening. I didn't stop caring about her, but I did stop caring about what she says or does. There is a difference, FM. I hope the best for my ex. I always have and likely will. I won't be around to watch it though.

See what I'm saying?

AJ

[FloydMan]

I see what you are saying pal. I don't care much for her really. The only part that cares or wishes her well is that she is well and affects the kids positively. I have to be around as I need to know they are okay. Right now they are not. I can tell. So can others, their friends parents, aunts and uncles etc. especially d11. She seems so sad. Especially at Christmas when their mom took off for 11 days without them or telling them. She cancelled her trip with them and went on her own anyway, I am trying to get them to a counsellor but they are refusing. D15 says she is worried about her sister and asked me if she is depressed. I don't want d15 carrying that weight of worry either. That was a heavy conversation. Heavier than last week when d15 said I deserve someone nice and said she be okay if I dated someone nice. Wow...that was out of the blue. I have kept dates very private and only when I don't have them. I love my babies.

[AJM]

Kids notice things, FM. It's always a good idea to hear them. I feel ya. My daughter tried to take on too much of the responsibility as well. It was heartbreaking to watch and I put a stop to it early on. It was weird though. She shifted her anger toward me and has been angry for far too long.

Be careful of their anger, FM. It's there and it will come out. They need you to guide them how to release that anger and they'll look for examples.

Your D15 is a smart cookie. She's letting you know she loves you and wants the best for you and she understands (too much) what happened.

I've found it best to not let my dating get in between me and my kids. And I was incredibly careful to not introduce anyone to them until we had dated a while. They haven't met most of the ladies I've dated nor too many of my friends. I'm selective and cautious like that. Looking back, I'm very glad I have been that way. Even though they both gave me "permission" to date as well.

Something to consider.

Hang in there.

AJ

I'm saying this as a high-and-mighty kind of person FM

That should have read NOT a high and mighty kind of person. Oops.

[FloydMan]

Ya, no way will they meet anyone unless they are ready and unless it is a very special person. I also believe they can use some professional counselling. Their mom has not been supportive of that idea so the kids refuse to go. I spoke with the counsellor and her thoughts are that they would be afraid to say anything negative about either of us, and my exW likely worried what they will say. Between a rock and a hard place on that one. I had asked my exW last night if she would speak on the phone or over a coffee about how we can work on together in getting them help and align on a united front for a game plan that is consistent messaging. Today she declined and said we'd revisit the counselling idea in a few months. This after her telling d15 she thinks d11 is bordering on depression and struggles with her. Classic her...sweeping things under the carpet until they pop up more problematic later on.