I have been thinking a lot about my M after reading Melissa's post yesterday about living in a M without emotional support. For the past couple of years, H was not there for me emotionally. He was often dismissive or turned everything back around on me to make me feel like the bad person. I know that this is because H believed that I was attacking him and because he is unable to take criticism. I was so desperate to feel loved and understood the last couple of years. It lead to a SSM, each of us refusing to give the other person what they needed the most.
Yet, the hardest thing to process is that H had an EA with OW. H gave the OW the exact thing that I desperately needed. How was H capable of meeting the OW emotional needs when he was never capable or willing to meet mine? Does he just love her more? Does she ask in a way that I had not previously asked?
My H has said that he wanted to help the OW in her time of need. She would call drunk and sobbing. He would talk to her for HOURS (H cant even talk for longer than 10 minutes with me). He would make up excuses to leave our house and meet her to provide emotional support. H swears up and down that it was not physical. I honestly think that it would hurt less if he just had a PA because it would make sense since we had a SSM. The fact that H gave the OW what I had begged him for just about destroys me. Maybe it was a PA and his needs were getting met, so he provided the emotional support. I don't know.
I am just so tired of his insensitivity and his selfishness. H called this morning to talk about logistics for when I was out of town. I was talking about getting the house ready before I left and packing and H jokingly said "You better back up all of your boyfriend's things and hide then so I don't see them." I know that he is joking, but it hurt. I am not ready to joke about us have a GF/BF. I don't know if I will ever get there. I just find it insensitive because H knows that I don't want this. I wound up calling him back and told him that while I knew he was joking, it hurts and I would appreciate if he not joke about this.
Is this really all just a huge JOKE to H? H just does not care about what this is doing to me or our kids. S5 cried again last night asking over and over again why his mommy and daddy cant be with him at the same time.
I am hurting. I feel like something needs to change, but I am not sure what. My plan right now is to think about what I want between now and when I return from my trip.
Your H's behavior with OW is not healthy, you realize that, right? And I don't mean in terms of he's having an affair, I mean in terms of this drunken woman with a H in prison calls him and he drops everything to help her, even before they were "involved". That's a big red flag. There's some co-dependent hole he's trying to fill.
Not your problem. I know it hurts but you can't even go there with him.
Addicts seek each other out because they can feed the monkey without other people judging them. They can support their addiction and encourage each other with "no one understands me but you." He gives her what he didn't give you because he's safe with her.
Enough about him.
Do you go to AlAnon? I know I ask most people here that and often more than once. Excuse me if we've had this discussion.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Labug - Thank you so much for your response. You are right. The OW feeds my H's ego and makes him feel amazing. Of course, they were living in a little fantasy world. My H accused me of not supporting him because I asked for help around the house and for his attention for myself and the kids. I called him out when he got a DUI and when he started going out all night long and never coming home. Since OW also got a DUI, there is no shame in talking to her about it. I will just keep repeating to myself "This is not about you 3. It has nothing to do with you as a person. This is about your H."
I have not gone to AlAnon. This is actually the first time someone has mentioned that I may want to look into it. I guess that I never viewed by H as a alcoholic because he does not drink all the time and I guess does not fit my image of an alcoholic. H's problem is that when he decides to go out and "drink" he is unable to control himself. I guess that would count as a drinking problem. H's dad drinks a lot, so I have always been concerned about H. I will definitely look into some local meetings.
The only criteria for AlAnon is that you are affected by someone's drinking.
Any of these ring a bell? One yes answer is all it takes.
1. Do you worry about how much someone drinks? 2. Do you have money problems because of someone else’s drinking? 3. Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else’s drinking? 4. Do you feel that if the drinker cared about you, he or she would stop drinking to please you? 5. Do you blame the drinker’s behavior on his or her companions? 6. Are plans frequently upset or canceled or meals delayed because of the drinker? 7. Do you make threats, such as, “If you don’t stop drinking, I’ll leave you”? 8. Do you secretly try to smell the drinker’s breath? 9. Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout? 10. Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker’s behavior? 11. Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking? 12. Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse? 13. Do you search for hidden alcohol? 14. Do you ever ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking? 15. Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety? 16. Do you feel like a failure because you can’t control the drinking? 17. Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved? 18. Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker? 19. Do you feel angry, confused, or depressed most of the time? 20. Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
3-Sorry to hear you're feeling down. I hope you can take some time and sort your feelings out (((3)))
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
I have no idea why my H's joke is bothering me so much today. I am usually great about shaking off this stuff. I cannot concentrate at work at all. AHH. I dont know whether I want to punch his smug face or crawl up in a ball and cry because I am so tired of this crap.
What if I did what my H was joking about? What if I brought a man into our home and slept with him in our bed? What if the OM played with our boys and ate breakfast with them? What if the OM moved stuff into the house? I wonder if H would be laughing then. Maybe/Maybe not. I will never stoop to my H's level, but for one moment I wish that H could feel my pain and/or understand just have much he betrayed me.
H actually sent me an "inspiration video" the other day about the principles to living a happy life. One of the principles is to surround yourself with good people who are a positive influence in your life. My H definitely does not meet that criteria. I NEED to let him go. He is the only thing in my life holding me back, pulling me down. I deserve much much better.
Yet, the hardest thing to process is that H had an EA with OW. H gave the OW the exact thing that I desperately needed. How was H capable of meeting the OW emotional needs when he was never capable or willing to meet mine? Does he just love her more? Does she ask in a way that I had not previously asked?
Remember back when you were dating H, the fun and excitement of it? How fascinated you both were with every single thing that came out of each other's mouths? How you couldn't wait to see each other again? How it seemed like you were high on a drug, euphoric, and you never wanted the feeling to end? That's limerence, otherwise known as "puppy love". It makes you see nothing but good things in the person you're with and you ignore all the bad stuff because it just doesn't seem to matter, because you're in luuuuuuuv! THAT is what H is getting from OW. You can't give that to him, because that ship sailed long ago from your own M and gave way to a more permanent, lasting and real form of love. Limerence is driven by a release of natural chemicals into the body- serotonin, dopamine, etc. It is enhanced when one or both of the parties is married, because there's excitement over the secrecy as well. But it is unsustainable. In time the chemicals are no longer released and the people start to see the relationship more realistically. Things that didn't matter before are suddenly obstacles. Like before she thought it was great that he makes those cute little sounds when he eats soup. Now she's repulsed that he makes those awful slurping noises while eating soup. How long it takes for it to wear off is tough to say, I've heard from 3 months to a year. But the vast majority of A's end when it wears off.
Everything you described about his R with OW positively screams limerence. OW clearly has some major issues, and right now your H is ignoring them because of limerence.
But there's nothing you can do about it, that has to run its course. In the meantime you've got to focus on you and your boys.
