Most of the guys I have seen come in for consultations because their wife unexpectedly filed are SAHDs, in school, unemployed or just make less than their wives. To a man they all say that their wife supports or even asked for this arrangement, or it was never a problem, that cant be the issue etc. You can make your own conclusions about the reasons why, but it seems to me that despite what they say, many women don't want to be married to a man who is not the breadwinner. Usually, it comes out that the wife is already involved with or has her sights set on a boss or some other perceived high-flyer.
For you, being a SAHD makes this pretty scary as you may feel dependent on her, but it also gives you all the same rights and advantages enjoyed by SAHMs in terms of spousal support and advantageous custody. Dont sign anything until you see at least a few attorneys, especially looking for any that specialize in fathers' rights. Do this immediately, and share nothing of this with her. If she if filing first, you are on the defensive starting now.
Start keeping a hidden notebook documenting anything you can showing that you are not violent, not abusive, and the primary caregiver to the kids. Your wife's attorney will be telling her that when push comes to shove, she will have to make a play about her doing this to protect herself and the kids, so expect this will be coming. You dont believe this now, but it always happens. She will demonize you to anyone who will listen, the more guilty she feels, the more its your fault. She will be saving emails, texts, and if you are in a one-party listening state, she may record you too. Dont give her any ammunition. SHe will make things up, lie, and embellish. You must create a documented counter-story.
ALso, giving her good or easy divorce terms will only make her more likely to want a divorce. Another common theme for guys I see in your position is they try to placate their wives/are afraid of making them angry/wont stand up to her affair/are afraid of driving them away. I often think such displays of subservience to the wife are what is making her want a divorce in the first place! Worry about yourself and your kids, dont be afraid of her or try to do anything to make this easier for her. She is causing pain and destruction to you and your kids, she must feel consequences.
All of this requires a huge change in mindset about who your wife is. Unfortunately, from a legal standpoint, once those papers are filed you are adversaries. I know you cant think of her that way yet, but she can.
Wadad, reading your sitch gave me an incredible sense of deja' vu, it's very similar to my own (with the only big difference being I wasn't a SAHD). Right down to the PPD and W taking Zoloft for it. I too was told by W that I "yelled" at the kids too much, but before BD she often complimented me on how good I was at maintaining discipline with the kids and how jealous she was that they listen to me and respect me but not her. Such is what happens when they pull the trigger, things before BD that may have been positives are suddenly used against you. That said, I'm sure there were things you did wrong in the M, who is perfect? So use this opportunity to have a good, hard look at yourself and make the changes you need to make to make yourself into the "spouse only a fool would leave". But just prepare yourself, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Read my signature to get an idea of how long I've been at this.
Regarding the D papers, it would have been better to not say anything to her. It is very common for WAS's to get the papers together and then get cold feet about it. They are confused and in turmoil, it may not seem like it on the outside but they are. They are constantly battling with themselves over what they're doing. When you ask about the D, it just puts pressure on them and makes it more likely that they'll push forward with it. So don't ever mention it. Read Sandi2's 37 Rules and live them! Good luck!
fade, Thanks for the advice, you've given me a lot to consider. I'm not planning on making it easy for her, if she goes through with a divorce, I'm willing to be reasonable, but I don't think she understands how bad even a 'fair' divorce will be for her. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that, but It would be good to have effective back up if it becomes necessary.
AnotherStander, Yes, it is interesting how these things almost have a script to them that WAS seem to follow. In my case she hasn't turned against me yet, she said just the other day that I was a good husband and a good father, but who knows how she'll feel next week or month. I have done a lot of soul searching and have found things in myself that I need to improve besides the one issue she has had with me, and Im making efforts to be the best me I can be. The marathon part is what scares me honestly, I've been holding together pretty well so far, but I worry about how long I can take it.... its very difficult. But it is important to me too.
As for the D papers, I understand what you're saying but when I asked her she said she was going to to send them in this week, but now shes holding off, Once she has a plan she usually pulls the trigger so I'm not sure if it wasn't a good thing I spoke with her about it. I'll try not to bring it up again, and keep on with the self improvements, and hope her heart can soften enough to let me in again.
Well, I got through another day, trying to maintain a PMA and take care of myself and the children. I got out early for a walk. My wife had another rough day at work and was pretty quiet with me, and I tried to give her space.
Good job. Give her all the space that she needs. Don't pressure her, and don't pursue her. You are doing great, Dad.
Your sitch is very fresh, and there is a long road left to travel. Settle in and focus really hard on becoming a better man, one that only a fool would leave.
Thanks suckerpunch, I was feeling kinda down after she left for work, so I appreciate your comments. I am trying to become the best I can be, and hopefully with time she'll see that.
It's been a quiet day so far, with her at work and me taking the kids to all their stuff. I think the thing I miss the most is all the chatter we used to have throughout the day, even when she was at work... phone calls and txts just about stupid and pointless things, but its hard that it's gone now.
It's been a quiet day so far, with her at work and me taking the kids to all their stuff. I think the thing I miss the most is all the chatter we used to have throughout the day, even when she was at work... phone calls and txts just about stupid and pointless things, but its hard that it's gone now.
Wadad, that's just part of this. that happened to me too in the weeks before BD. She just stopped sending texts or replying to them. She'd come home and say, "my job is very busy, I don't have time to talk to you..." so I checked our phone bill and sure enough, she was sending and receiving msgs throughout the day. Just not to or from me. Very common. Detach, GAL, feel better. I am o the same journey and very new at it.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
