Made it through with No Contact

[rubysgem]

I made it through the holidays with no contact. I have to admit the silence was deafening. But I made it!

I had decided to write a closure letter so I can put the past behind me and say good bye to him in an honorable way instead of with all this anger and animosity. This was between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I had told him the letter was coming, he agreed to accept it. He even told me he would make arrangements to pick it up when it was done. In this conversation I also asked him what to do with things he'd left behind. He left things he may want and in hindsight, maybe me not just tossing them was me clinging to a belief we weren't really done -- we have our own fog though I am not entirely sure I believe in the wayward fog at all anymore -- he told me he wanted nothing to give it away or throw it out, that if he wanted something and I've had it this long he obviously didn't miss it.. so when the letter was ready, he ignored me. Does this surprise anyone? I just don't understand why he did that. Of course I let him know that it made no sense to agree to closure and then blow me off. To which the response was, as always, silence. I finally saw how I play a part in his game and how he gives me a moldy crumb and I eat it up like a starving child. I gave up. Totally 100% gave up. I gave the letter to my I/C so I'd feel validated that someone read how I feel and closed the door.

I began talking to someone I knew years ago. He tells me I am interesting and pretty and all the things I wish my husband would say but never will. He can't admit that to himself I know this now. Nothing has happened as I am still married technically and we have not seen each other but the ego boost was long overdue and much welcomed.

The index number on the divorce he filed expired on 12/26 and it looks like no progress has been made since I got the papers. What does an expired index mean? I tried to find an answer but all the sites contradict each other. One says it means he has to refile all over again and another said it just means it will go before the judge now. I am not sure which is true. I am also not up to fighting anymore. So I will do nothing either way. Perhaps refile myself once I am emotionally stable if that ever comes lol..

His mother is moving 2 hours away on the 24th of this month. She wants to have dinner, I agreed since I will never see her again after this. But why does she want to see me? She didn't even wish me a merry Christmas or a happy new year? I don't understand why she won't just fade away like her son did. I have considered canceling, we shall see.

So I guess I am catching you all up on the saga, it's so much calmer with no head games and no hang up calls or random door bells or letters.. but so anticlimactic lol.. it was so dramatic, so tense and now its just nothing and silence. I am happy in my own way for him even though I know this will all blow up one day, his decision did not change who the POSOW is, she just got her way and is being quiet.

I also had some well meaning people tell me that his refusing the closure means he doesn't want that. But come on now, know what I mean? Maybe it's that type of person telling me that kind of thing that kept me hoping this would change.

I am in a better place. I am feeling calm. Any suggestions? Any thoughts?

[Starsky309]

Hiya Ruby,

My thought is that you sound very good, and healthier and happier than you have in a long time. And as you know, I've followed your sitch for awhile.

If it were me, I'd politely brush off his mother, and keep on moving forward with your new life. Handle the exit from him with grace and dignity, as you never know what the future might hold. People DO get back together sometimes, down the road.

For now, you sound good tho!!

Starsky

[rubysgem]

I am not happy I can tell you that much lol, I just learned to live with the fact my husband no longer loves me and wants to divorce me to move on with his life with the POSOW.

I went to dinner, I felt nothing but disgust for everyone involved. I don't care if they get along or not. We are not getting back together. I would love to entertain a "someday" but he made it very clear we are over, he has chosen her and wants the divorce. Why he hasn't pushed it through I have no idea, just one more thing I guess I will have to follow up on myself. He refused to even give me closure, and while I did not explain myself to his mother, she said he feels I have said everyhing and his response will not change. The things I said were trying to get him home, I am not doing that anymore. He repeats his speech: I care for you very much but do not love you like a wife and never will again, I want you to move on and be happy. So.. he didn't seem to get what closure means. It's means done, it means good bye, it means not trying anymore and walking away. No speech was needed, just a good bye.

So I am in a good place, perhaps even better than him since he is not getting that I am done. No one ever comes back from being this over with their marriage. He made sure there was no way to reconcile and did everything he could to be certain there would come a day I would utterly hate him.