A couple of questions to anyone who is following my posts. As you know W & I separated on Nov. 1, she started seeing OM (old high school BF, OM lives 3 1/2 hours away has been married 3 times 5 kids). I think W is having a MLC based on how fast things are moving or maybe it's true love for the 2 of them.
Now here are my questions: 1. W said 3 months of being away isn't long enough because I would just revert back to my old ways if I moved back in now. I agreed saying I've thought & learned about the mistakes I've made but have apply it like "muscle memory" into everyday life.
2. W stated "we could of had a good life", I replyed "we still can".
3. W said that it wasn't fair that next person is gonna get a better me.
Are all of these a sign that W is still confused & needing to ask & answer questions to herself & to me. Or is W ready to move on; D still hasn't been mentioned.
One last note, I mentioned MC to try to read her "temp", it didn't backfire on me (lucky). She did get a little mad wondering why I wanted to do it now but not when things were rough between us when we were still together. I said that I didn't know enough about it then but have done readings & research & believe it would be beneficial.
My D is 10 years old and would like to see me more during the week and so would my 14 year old step son. I try to text or talk to them as much as possible but as you know life gets in the way.
Not a criticism but if they want to see you more, life or no life, make every effort to see them more.
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I know both of them miss me because they say it every time I see them or talk to them, but W is only thinking of herself right now.
Focus on them - not W.
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Second I couldn't deal with living so close to the family without being able to see them as much as I'd like.
That statement ^^^^^ contradicts this one…
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the W has no problem with me seeing the kids any time I want
So I am left wondering….do you NOT want to see them more because it is too painful to deal with W?
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W got "mad" at me for moving to far away
You could also look at this….like she wanted you to be closer.
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She also got made at me for signing a 1 year lease instead of a 6 month lease
You could also look at this….as a positive. She has not mentioned D…and SHE wanted you to be in a shorter term lease. I cannot read her mind but these could have been positives signs. Maybe not the signs YOU wanted in the timeline YOU wanted…but positive none the less.
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I would do something and W would call me on it
What was “something” - be specific.
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She wanted to try MC but I was against it
Another good sign. IMO.
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W is "mad" that I waited until now to try MC
Think about it from her perspective….she asked…you said NO…NOW that OM is in the picture you changed your tune. TIME NY…TIME…this is gonna take time. No one here can guarantee that she will come back. That said, if there was a one in a million chance that she would….would you be willing to take that chance?
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I didn't take others thoughts or enjoyment into consideration
Do you think you have changed?
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OM lives 3 1/2 hours away has been married 3 times 5 kids). I think W is having a MLC based on how fast things are moving or maybe it's true love for the 2 of them.
DB101…change how you look at things……
He lives a ways away….has a bad history… So you have imo, a few things in your favor. Change how you look at stuff NY… If you feel defeated and hopeless, you will act defeated and hopeless.
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3 months of being away isn't long enough because I would just revert back to my old ways if I moved back in now.
Another good sign….Look at it from her perspective…. she wants to see ACTIONS over a LONG period of time. So…TIME is ON YOUR SIDE. IF you can be patient. The more YOU push…right now…the worse it can get. Set aside ego, set aside the pain. At the end of the day you both played a role here. Work on your and let her work on hers. Yes, the idea of OM is gonna suck. Try not to think about it. Spend more time with the kids. When you go to pick them up. Look and smell your best. Be civil and upbeat. Your goal right now, is to try and see if she can reach out to you more…slow…very slowly….
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d saying I've thought & learned about the mistakes I've made but have apply it like "muscle memory" into everyday life
STOP telling her you have changed and SHOW her. I know..I know…she said something….you responded. Maybe a better response would be…”I understand how you can feel that way”, “I hear you and I am sorry you feel that way”. In both responses you are 1) validating how SHE feels 2) not accepting blame or reminding her that she is right and that you were wrong. The more you agree with her that you were an as* the more you give her ammo for her gun.
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of these a sign that W is still confused & needing to ask & answer questions to herself & to me. Or is W ready to move on; D still hasn't been mentioned.
Who knows…no one here can mind read. Stop trying to figure out what she is thinking. It is pointless, you will know when SHE wants you to know.
Focus on YOU.
Do me a favor, list 2 short term goals for YOUSELF..Something you can do in the next two weeks. Here is one suggestion….spend a bit more time with your D. She is 10 and needs DAD!
I’ll close with this….you have a lot of positives in your sitch. a lot. You may have a shot to turn this around NY. You just need to be patient.
Peace, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
After reading what was wrote I took things into thought. If I would of moved closer to my W & family it would of been to painful for me. Yes I can see my D & SS anytime saying this it would be both "good" & "bad". Good cause I get to spend quality time with them. Bad because, well there is no bad.
When I'm with W I always keep a positive attitude & also look my best. W has mentioned on 4 occasions that she "likes that outfit on me" & "if that was one of the shirts we bought".
From looking at the MC from her point of view, it had to be a slap to the face when I said NO. This was done based on my lack of knowledge & how mad we were at each other during that time. Since then I have gained more knowledge on MC & W & I are on much better terms.
For my short term goals; they are these. Continue studying for a test I need to take & try to find things to do that I enjoy when I'm alone.
Continue studying for a test I need to take & try to find things to do that I enjoy when I'm alone.
Meetup.com May be a good place to start.
I'm not sure how far up in NY you are, but i now a few current and former poster that live in NY.
You can find me off board (via the alt)..I'm sure Cadet can chime in and articulate the alt much better than me.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Had a pretty good last 3 days. Birthday was on Saturday went out with a group of friends, also on Monday met up with another old friend for coffee. It was good to get out & stay busy, I found that keeping active helps with what is happening with my M. On that note W & I texted on Saturday even though OM was in town; W sent me the 1st text, it was a good conversation. Then W called me both Sunday & Monday to talk about things we had already discussed (bankruptcy) but mainly just to talk. Don't know what's going on in her head but I'm not going to think about it.
On a side note taking the kids out to diner Tuesday night to spend as much time with them as possible.
What are you short term goals.. as it relates to your M. In other words, what is a small goal that you would like to achieve and by when.
DB101, if you are not getting the results you want try something different.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
As was mentioned before don't rush or push things with W or she will push you away, she will allow you in when she is ready. I think this is the approach I will use at least for now. What I really want to do is call her every couple of days just to make small conversation but I feel that would be incorrect. W has been the one to reach out to me as of late; I don't want to screw that up by over stepping my boundaries.
If anyone has another idea or suggestion let me know.
At this stage, I agree with you, I would let her lead, that seems to be working atm. Maybe though look at that "fear" thingy described here:
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I don't want to screw that up by over stepping my boundaries.
I get that ^^^^, yup, spent lots of time there. So she seems to have boundaries, what about yours? Maybe you let her initiate because you are busy taking care of YOU? Maybe re-frame some of this mentally.
I am the one that asked how long you thought you could wait, how long to you could do this. I was trying get a bit more about who YOU are, what you are about, etc. I said I would do this a year...and it's been 2.5 since BD, 5-ish all together. So much for stated deadlines... I didnt want you to put an expiration date on it, since sometimes we surprise the heck out of ourselves once we get doing the work.
Just trying to learn about this newyork dude, what and who he is.
One day at a time, let her lead, YOU figure out and work on YOU is what I would do atm.
And see how the re-frame that fear thingy.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
TSquared2 thanks for rejoining my posts/life. The more input, ideas I can get the better; and so far EVERYONE has been doing a great job at both giving advice & support. As mentioned I don't want to overstep the boundaries. W has boundaries as well, which she has put in place not to confuse the kids. I agree with her on these. An example is not going out to eat as a "family" after one of the kids sporting events. The kids have an understanding (at least to the best of their ability ages 10 & 14) on what's going on with us. They know W/mom is seeing someone else, W introduced them way to early in the affair. I 100% disagree with this, the kids are the innocent ones here & don't need to be stuck in the middle.
I also know that W & OM have had a couple of fights already. I was there for one when they were on the phone together; W forgot I was at the house waiting for her to complete some paperwork once she got done doing chores where she keeps her horses.
My question is what do you mean by re-framing my fears?
Also how can I or should I restructure the boundaries that are put in place without overstepping the line?
