I feel my marriage is done

[BrightFuture]

I can see this driving thing getting old pretty soon. This is some crazy schedule, and cannot be sustained for long. This “honey moon” will start going sour. Hang in there.

[ericmsant2]

Time is really on your side. You sound really good. Keep taking care of yourself.

[newyork]

I hope your right & I also think your right. The higher percentage of times long distance relationships don't work especially when you throw kids, work, & life into the mix. W & OM are moving at such a fast pace it isn't healthy for all who are involved. I'm thinking & focusing on myself & trying to put my best foot foreword everyday, some days are tougher than others but I'm trying to take it day by day. Sometimes I slip up as a noted earlier.

[newyork]

Another individual who has been following my "life" and what's been happening asked me a question a few days back asking how long it'd be willing to wait 6 months ...1 year...3 years? I gave them an "I don't know" answer. I don't want to offend or upset anyone who is following and responding to my posts I been getting a lot of positive feedback. Please keep it coming I'm learning a lot about how everyone is handling each situation.

Re-acting/answering the "how long would I wait" question, as of right now probably until the divorce papers get handed to me. I believe M can still be saved; time, effort, & MC will all be needed. Plus W is gonna play a major role in the "fixing" of the M. Right now that is not in the cards.

I'm worried that we are starting to get settled in a routine. This is what W has also mentioned when taking about the kids. They know that I live apart, mom is seeing OM etc. Day by day is my approach & it's funny W has said this a couple of times as well. What's up with that?

[ericmsant2]

NY

I'm thinking & focusing on myself & trying to put my best foot foreword everyday,

Doing this will make you a winner – either way this goes NY. Remember that…at the end of the day YOU matter!

some days are tougher than others but I'm trying to take it day by day

Dealing with what you are dealing with is not easy man. Stop for a second and realize….you are LIVING the vows you committed too! “for better or worse” – this is the worse part. She may or may see it – it really does not matter. I hope and pray that YOU realize what YOU are doing and you should be proud of yourself. Trust me…it is much easier to say F it and quit.

In terms of “how long you should wait” – it really is all up to you. I hope you realize that YOU decide when the M is over. Not her. Divorced or not – only you decide. Taking it day by day IMO, is the right approach. You may have days when say “I’m done”…then you will say “I’m not done” a few days later – all normal buddy. All normal responses.

I'm worried that we are starting to get settled in a routine.

Then what are your plans to change it up?

What are you doing for yourself NY? Hobbies? Guys night out?

BTW – why did you move out? Does your W work? Do you have a set schedule with the kids?

[newyork]

What I meant by we are getting into a routine/set schedule is this. Both my life & W's life is rounding into shape with the other one not in the picture. W is living like a single parent (when OM is not there), kids are getting used to me not being there, & I'm getting used to living my own life without W. I still miss the whole family because my change was the greatest. Moving out of house into an apartment, living by myself instead of having W, kids, & dogs under 1 roof. The reason I moved out was because W & I were fighting for past 7-9 months about lots of things. I suggested it because in a way I felt it might save our M in the long run. I also didn't want the kids to move & disrupt their stability, even though it did to a degree once I moved out.

[ericmsant2]

NY

Both my life & W's life is rounding into shape with the other one not in the picture.

I totally understand your concern.

W is living like a single parent (when OM is not there), kids are getting used to me not being there, & I'm getting used to living my own life without W

As much as this may suck right now – you need to keep the focus on YOU and YOUR changes. Take your M right now and put away. Trust….if it is meant to be it will be. Believe it or not, your W needs this time away from you and you need it away from her. You have enough interactions right now to show her the new you. A lot of times people come here and want immediate results. Well it took time to break it is gonna take time to fix.

Moving out of house into an apartment, living by myself instead of having W, kids, & dogs under 1 roof.

Do the kids spend nights at your place? If not, why?

W & I were fighting for past 7-9 months about lots of things.

Can you elaborate on what you fought about?

[newyork]

Your right on if it's meant to be it will happen. It just frustrates me at times that W was so quick to hook back up with old high school boyfriend; the reasons she gave were 1. they already knew eachother 2. it was convenient (if 31/2 hours away is convenient) 3. she knew he would drop everything & help her out, & he did. As I've been reading different articles that were assigned to me as "homework" I think W is having a MLC. This old high school romance is letting her re-live her youth again, driving up to hometown to see old friends who still live there included.

While W is out running around I am working on bettering myself, reading books, & writing on the forum to gain knowledge & understanding. I took a look at the things in the relationship that I messed up on & am trying to work on those things. These things included thinking of myself first instead of placing family first, being selfish, getting mad at the small things that in the big scheme are not that big of deal, & speaking before I spoke (certain issues).

For your final question about the kids. Three kids altogether 2 stepsons, our D. Oldest SS is at college, 14 S goes to his dad's house same weekend as I have D, I do bring him down sometimes as well when he wants to. W let's me have & see kids as much as I want; which us great.

[ericmsant2]

NY

It just frustrates me at times that W was so quick to hook back up with old high school boyfriend

I totally get it dude. Yep it [censored]. Guess what though? He is NOT you! Never gonna be YOU! OM is never gonna be “dad” to your D. Like all R’s, once the hormones slow down, and the honeymoon period is over, the truth starts to come out. The fantasy begins to fad. And both YOUR W and OM will be faced with the reality of HOW the R started and the impact it has had. Some will end the affair, others will keep it going. Why? Because IMO, sometimes it is easier to keep the A going. It is much easier to stay with the norm than to look inside and do the internal work. What do I mean by internal work? YOU and YOUR W have an opportunity right now to look at your role in the demise of the M. Look at WHY you both did the things you did, why the dynamic between you two was what it was, why you were both attracted to each other, what role your upbringing had in the M, how you have each changed, what fears you both have and WHY. Right now, NY, she may not want to do that – but YOU can. Doing it will benefit you WHEN and IF she comes back.

So how does NY do the work for himself……


The less YOU look at HER the better YOU will be. You see, a lot times people come here looking for the quick fix. Looking for the one thing that they can say or do that will bring the spouse back. In short, they give up their entire sense of self and POWER to the spouse. That is NOT healthy. It stems from FEAR and in a way - the need to control. I am not saying that you should give up and file for a divorce – nope. I am saying that the more you focus on her, the less time and energy you have to focus on you.

While W is out running around I am working on bettering myself, reading books, & writing on the forum to gain knowledge & understanding.

Great!

I took a look at the things in the relationship that I messed up on & am trying to work on those things.

Even better!

thinking of myself first instead of placing family first

Why do you say this ^^^? What events or actions did you do that lead you to believe this? Once you answer my next question is going to be WHY did you do the things that you describe. Was it how you were raise, what exactly was it. Psst…answering all of these questions take time, it takes really digging into who is NY.

being selfish

What does being selfish mean to YOU? Describe it? Give me some examples.

getting mad at the small things that in the big scheme are not that big of deal

Give me some example of why you say this. Do you have any idea of why you would get mad at the “small stuff”?

How old is YOUR D?

How far are you living from your W?

Does your D want to come over during the week? If she did, could you fit that in with your current work schedule?

BTW, what do you do for a living (just wondering)?


I’ll close with this….you sound good, sound like you have your head screwed on right and IMO, you are taking the right approach with all of this. It is not easy man. So take a step back and be proud of yourself. Oh…and one other piece of advice. While you are off living alone – please be careful – try not to get “emotionally” attached to another women. Right now, you are very vulnerable and meeting someone will just complicate chit.

If you get a chance, read an old poster named Truegritter.

Peace,
Eric

[newyork]

Lets start off with the easy answers first. My D is 10 years old and would like to see me more during the week and so would my 14 year old step son. I try to text or talk to them as much as possible but as you know life gets in the way. I know both of them miss me because they say it every time I see them or talk to them, but W is only thinking of herself right now. As to my D seeing me during the week, the W has no problem with me seeing the kids any time I want but once again life sometimes throws a clunker into the mix. I live about 1/2 hour away from the rest of the family. The reason I chose this location is as follows 1. Both my W and I are in education; we both completed both our B.S. and Masters during the marriage while working full time and raising 3 kids. My W got her own classroom while I am still subbing at a couple of different wages. This I feel was one of the reasons why she decided to go "have fun", since W feels she has earned it and wants to "enjoy Life". To conclude the first reason I based my location to live on the lowest hourly rate I make. 2. I've always wanted to live in this location since I've been coming to this area for the last 20 years. 3. The W wanted me to live closer (5 minutes away) but I didn't do this for 2 reasons; first there wasn't anything available at the time of the decided move out date. Second I couldn't deal with living so close to the family without being able to see them as much as I'd like.

Back to the above topics W got "mad" at me for moving to far away saying that she found a place a few miles away, but it wasn't available before my move out date. She also got made at me for signing a 1 year lease instead of a 6 month lease. This raises questions that I have yet to answer.

On to the questions/ problems that lead to the separation. During the last 7-9 months of the marriage things were getting pretty bad. I would do something and W would call me on it, this included yelling and trying to prove why her way was the right way. This went on until I quit doing things so I wouldn't get yelled at or spoken to like I was another kid. In turn the communication stopped. As you know this is the beginning of the end. We still had fun going out by ourselves but when it came to parenting we had different values. She wanted to try MC but I was against it. My reasoning at the time was I didn't know enough about it and felt that an individual who didn't know us as a couple couldn't help, boy was I wrong. At the present time I have read and learned a lot more about MC and am willing and ready to give it a try. W is "mad" that I waited until now to try MC.

The reason why I said that I was selfish and placed myself first some of the time was that I did. If I didn't want to do something I didn't take others thoughts or enjoyment into consideration. An example would be camping. I like to go hiking but don't enjoy setting up a tent at night; bad back hate sleeping on hard surfaces. I never thought that others would enjoy it, I probably could of dealt with it. Also being an only child I seldom had to think of other peoples feelings or thoughts. When I got married I guess at times I never placed other peoples feelings into the equation.