New to the forum, I'll give a quick history of my marriage. Been married for 11 years my first marriage my wife's second have 2 step sons and 1 daughter. During the course of our marriage there have been rocky times, mainly my fault but as of November 1 we decided to separate, I have been working on making myself a better person, reading the book has helped a ton plus moving out of the house has allowed me to realize what is important in my life. I felt like I didn't always put 100% effort into being a husband and father but moving out help me understand what was important to me.
The main problem I'm dealing with is that my current wife has only mentioned divorce once since we separated, that was the first week after I moved out but is already seeing her old high school boyfriend. They hadn't seen each other in 25 years but he always cried on her shoulder via Facebook every time he had a relationship end, he has been married 3 times and has 5 kids. So now it was her turn to cry on his shoulder. She also knew he would drop what he was doing and help her out, which he did, he has gave her money and helped her out with fixing things around the house that I didn't get to plus installing things that we never had, ex. garbage disposal.
I'm focusing on making myself a better person while she is focusing on her new relationship. She has noticed that I am making changes and improvements in my life but has not tried to fix things, I have not tried to mettle in her daily activities, we stay in contact about the kids but otherwise not much else.
I need some advice on how to deal with this and what steps need to be taken next.
Hi, I am sorry you are in this situation, but I am glad you are reading some of Michele's books. It is great that you are working on yourself as well. The next steps and advice is what the DB coaches are experts at. Each situation is unique and your coach will help you come up with a very specific plan on how to go forward so that when you interact with your wife, you will be doing so in a way that brings her closer and doesn't push her further away. Your compliancy and follow up with your coach is an excellent way to turn things around in your relationship. Take care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
After looking through the recommended sites that were suggested by the experts I feel that I have a little better grasp on my situation. I feel that my downfalls contributed to our M ending in S. I also feel that my W is going through a MLC. We both went back to school shortly after getting M, now that we have completed our Masters degrees she wants to "enjoy' life and have "fun" and since we were having a 7-8 month rocky patch before I moved out I wasn't part of her wanting to "enjoy" life. This is were the OM comes into play, the MLC she is experiencing took her back to her high school boyfriend which also brought her back to her high school friends and memories. The OM is doing everything right during the "lust" stage of the relationship he is buying her things, placing her 1st 100% of the time and treating her like gold. This is easy to do when the daily in and outs of life don't need to take center stage; they are only seeing each other on the weekends, remember he lives 3 1/2 hours away and they take turns during back and forth.
On another note I have been using the 180 approach, I haven't been pursuing or chasing. I have been letting her contact me; she has called 4 times in the last week. This is hard for me to do since there is OM in the picture and I don't want her moving closer to him instead of me, but I'm doing it. I feel that she has a lot of questions and feelings to answer for herself but I'm hanging in there.
The question that was asked 'What am I doing for myself?' I feel this was the best thing for me as an individual. It made me recognize what I have & what I can lose. Made me search my soul and realize changes needed to be made. For the daily in & outs of life I've been keeping busy with my kids, friends...
Here is the latest on my situation, My W & I have been having good communication when we need to speak, on Friday the whole family (3 kids, E, & I) spent 1 1/2 just talking and having a good time when I picked my daughter up. Talked at my daughters gymnastics meet today about what we did on Saturday, she mentioned why I was against doing those fun activities in the past. I stated I have learned a lot about what is important & what is not in the last couple of months. W then stated it was 'only talk' and no 'actions' have been shown.
My question us how can I show her actions when she is 100% focused on her OM? She still hasn't mentioned anything about divorce, I think she is going through a MLC based on what I've read in the DB book & on the forums. 85% of W conversations are good, plus I notice her 'checking' me out every time we are together & she also complimented me 3 times today. But some of her actions are speaking a whole different message, I'm confused as I think she is as well.
