I’m a longtime lurker, but first time poster. I am in need of some advice. I’ve been married 14 years and have three daughters (12,11,9). In September 2012, I had the bomb dropped on me that the marriage was dead and what was the point continuing on. She is a classic WAW who was not getting her emotional needs met. I will post more details on our background separately, but in short, I was crushed. Luckily, I discovered Divorce Busting and this forum. I’ve made great strides personally and feel like I’ve stopped the bleeding in our relationship. We continue to live in the same house and sleep in the same bed. We get along great as parents and friends, but all forms of affection have ceased.
I feel like my wife is very confused about what she wants, which is to be expected. I think she loves me as a person and a father. She doesn’t want to hurt the family, but she’s not feeling romantic feelings for me. What advice can anyone give me to help bridge that gap in our relationship?
I'm struggling with small things like touching her back because I don't want it to come off as pursuing. However, one of my major mistakes in our relationship was not showing her enough affection. It's just tough to determine the next steps...
Me: 42 W: 39 M: 14 years T: 16 years D12 D11 D9 ILYBINILWY 09/14/12 Living Together In Limbo
Hi CaliDreaming. Usually when you get these statements that the marriage is over it's because your wife has been in a relationship with someone else, in either an emotional affair or a physical one. It usually takes that to give them the courage to tell you they are done.
While they still feel in love with someone else, trying to reverse your lack of attention will work against you, because what she wants right now is distance. You really can't start making progress until the other person is "gone for good" and enough time has passed to let them grieve the loss of that relationship.
During that period, really your goal is to (1) not make things worse between you, (2) maintain your self esteem, and (3) establish and protect your boundaries in terms of what you will and will not accept.
The DB coaches often do recommend "butterfly touches" as you pass by your spouse to get them back into the mode of getting used to being touched by you, but you have to gauge the reaction, if it's recoil, you might want to back off again.
Have you read DivorceBusting or the DivorceRemedy? If not, you should!
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Welcome to the community. The more information about your situation, the better we may be able to help. What were your W's complaints, other than lack of affection?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks. Background info... My wife and I had a great marriage and a great life. we both work at the same company and spend a lot of time together. When we starting having kids, my wife stayed home with them for a few years, before coming back. We really didn't argue or fight and I thought things were great. Instead, my wife was feeling disconnected.
We both get up for work early and have a long commute. This means at night, the kids get put to bed and we are both asleep soon after. Weeks roll by and before you know it, we weren't doing much of anything as a couple. I'm referring to sex either, but rather just quality time away from being a Mom/Dad. I am not affectionate which only made things worse.
We never argue, which in hindsight was a big mistake. We are both guilty of keeping a happy face on things and not really communicating to each other.
I have no evidence, but I suspect my wife was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. I think this has dried up but I can't tell. He works in another state, so she rarely can see him. If this did happen, it was completely a by-product of our lack of attention to the relationship.
Another key point is that I do suffer from anxiety to a degree. When I get over-tired or over-stimulated, I was cranky or sought solitude in front of video games to cope. Prior to BD, I released this was an issue and started seeing a therapist. I made great strides with Therapy in understanding what was going on. After BD I did get very depressed though. It it weren't for my kids, I'm not sure I would have gotten through those first few weeks. After discussing this with my therapist and doctor, I started taking Celexa. This has been a god-send for me as so much of my crankiness has gone away. I really feel like a new person.
I have read the Divorce Remedy and it's done wonders for me. It really helped me pull my self-esteem together and start to feel like I can do this. I've been working on a number of 180's around being a better Dad, nearly eliminating video games, being a more active participant in the house in terms of chores and leadership. I also was guilty of deferring to my wife in terms of our social life. I basically didn't have a life outside of "us". I now have a poker group, and a soccer group, so I'm trying to branch out...
Gotta run now...Will post more later...
Me: 42 W: 39 M: 14 years T: 16 years D12 D11 D9 ILYBINILWY 09/14/12 Living Together In Limbo
I'm sure I'm on moderation, which is delaying my posts, but excuse if I double post anything...
I may be a little slow to post, so bear with me. I do want to try to get all the important details out there, but it has been over a year... It's just hard to get a grasp of it all....
Prior to BD, my wife did grow slowly colder to me. At the time, you just assume it's because she's tired and we're busy with the kids and work. We both have long commutes and I coach soccer 6 days a week, so it's not hard to see how we grew disconnected as a couple. One big issue between us is that she didn't feel as valued as a person in terms of her professional life and as a wife. Since we both work for the same company (starting in the same department, but now separate), it add a unique dynamic to our relationship. I was always the go-getter with the more senior position and role and she took time off from work to raise the kids. Since she has been back, she has been extremely motivated and driven to "climb the ladder". She works in a male-dominated group and did awesome to really achieve a great role. At the same time, I've shifted roles to an IT job which I really love and am happy to stay in for the extended future. Back in December of 2011, my wife got a big promotion which bumped her salary to be very close to mine. I don't know why I felt that way, but I suddenly had feelings that I wasn't being paid enough because I chose to be in a more stable role/job (People in our company get raises for jumping jobs more than just performance...). My lack of excitement for her success really hurt her and I truly feel terrible for not showing her how proud I was of her. She took it that I was offended that she could make more than me. In my mind, that wasn't the case, but it's irrelevant because that's how I made her feel.
Two months later, I was offered a job in another department for a significant pay raise. I went to my boss and expressed my dilemma in that I would prefer to stay in my current job, but the money was too great to pass up. He came back and matched the offer, which made me feel really great. My wife was extremely happy for me and I told her that I wish my reaction to her promotion was as great as hers to me.....REGRETS!!!!
Gotta run, but I'll post more in a bit.....
Me: 42 W: 39 M: 14 years T: 16 years D12 D11 D9 ILYBINILWY 09/14/12 Living Together In Limbo
Since September 2012, I get the typical WAW speech/blow-up every 10 weeks or so. I can usually see it building where she seems more irritated. She'll ask me "What are we doing? Neither one of us is happy.....yada yada". She loves to detail all the ways that we are different as proof of why this shouldn't work.... I used to get really down on these days, but I view them more positively now. They allow a release of frustration and pressure and feel more like "rest stops" along a journey...
Her last one was in the middle of November and she made a crack about getting through the holidays. The holidays are over and things are still going ok.... We have two family trips planned this spring and summer and she hasn't mentioned the D word since...
Compared to most people's stories, I feel really good the way we're tracking...Just need to keep it going...
Me: 42 W: 39 M: 14 years T: 16 years D12 D11 D9 ILYBINILWY 09/14/12 Living Together In Limbo
I have no evidence, but I suspect my wife was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. I think this has dried up but I can't tell. He works in another state, so she rarely can see him. If this did happen, it was completely a by-product of our lack of attention to the relationship.
Even if the EA is burning out, the emotional need(s) that caused her to turn to another man will still be there. Which usually means she's vulnerable for another EA. This one may not have been her first A. What caused you to suspect an EA? BTW, long distance doesn't affect an EA, it just hinders some from turning into a PA sooner. Which, from what I've read, a lot of men seemed more concern over the issue of physical or not. But speaking as one who has had an EA, don't sell short the power it has in a woman's life.
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We both have long commutes and I coach soccer 6 days a week, so it's not hard to see how we grew disconnected as a couple.
Okay, so what can you do about this? Probably nothing toward the long commute, but what about giving so much time to soccer every day? Is this a sport passion you both share? Is it worth the wear & tear on your MR? Even if your kids participate, sometimes you have to put the MR first or it will end up hurting the children a lot worse than you leaving as coach. However, it is the lack of time and the disconnection with your W that is the real issue.
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One big issue between us is that she didn't feel as valued as a person in terms of her professional life and as a wife.
Sounds like she suffers from low self esteem, performance based value system, etc. She may have a need to receive recognition....by words of praise or some other way....in order to feel good about herself. How would you rank in letting her know what a good wife & mother she is to her family?
A lot of women who didn't have to work for financial reason went into the workforce b/c they did not feel fulfilled or valued enough to stay home all the time.
Do you know her love language? If you aren't sure, or haven't read the book, check it out.
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Since September 2012, I get the typical WAW speech/blow-up every 10 weeks or so. I can usually see it building where she seems more irritated. She'll ask me "What are we doing? Neither one of us is happy.....yada yada".
She may use these blow-ups as a stress release method, especially since she is unhappy. She's trying to tell you how she feels, which should be very important to you. It is her cry for help, even if it doesn't sound like it to you. If she senses you are not interested b/c you ignore it (by thinking she will feel better in time), then it causes her to feel more undervalued. How do you respond during one of these ten week blow-ups?
Many LBH's have been shocked by a D......and even confess their WAW had told them they were unhappy, but they just thought it would work itself out in time. It won't! Get to the bottom of the problem or your M is gone. And you start getting to the bottom by first looking in the mirror of your heart, very deeply. Try to see yourself through her eyes. Ask yourself what you need to change in order to be a better man, dad, and husband. You can begin tonight.
Set personal goals and if you want to share with us, fine, and if not then that's fine also. But do give it a lot of thought. Find the man you use to be. Even though you can't go back in time and look like you once did, you can find what she fell in love with. Let that guy shine again.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
