I have some things to ask, if anyone cares to chime in.
Background:
M: 18 T: 20 Bd 1: 2004 ( H not happy) Worked it out. 2008: H gets apt. In city, joint decision. He has commuted long hours for previous decade. I see him weekends 2012 sept.: ILYBINILWY, not happy, not for a long time. I tell him he has to " leave" Nov 2012: find out he has been lying and is seeing someone since the" split" Mar: H GF goes away for a month. We hang out, he explains he wants to move in with her. Apr: H " in a relationship" on social media End Apr: she breaks it off end June: gf sends Dear John letter to H. H tells me he wants to give his all to making relationship with ex gf work. I drop rope. July: new gf August: she dumps H Sept: reconnect with H, he wants to see where this will go. Take it slow. I agree Jan.: I tell H I am no longer happy with the status of relationship and I need more. He is not ready to give more.
This is the pared down version but at least gives a little background.
H and I have been seeing each other for six months and I know he is holding back, and he has admitted he is as well. He is scared that he will fall into the same relationship dynamics that our previous years have held.
I recently said it wasn't enough and I needed more commitment to this relationship.. H said if I can't give more, what did that mean?
I said it meant that he needs some time to figure out on his own what he wants and that we would continue as co parents and that would be it.
He was unwilling to look at that option, said to have no doubt that he loves me and is willing to speak to a couples counsellor. He does not, however, in his own words, want a counsellor who advocates going our separate ways.
H is the type of guy who needs to be needed. But then he acquiesces to make others happy so he doesn't have to deal with the fact that someone is unhappy by his actions. He will also lie to avoid any conflict.
He then stuffs down his true feelings and resents me or whomever else later on.
I have asked very little of H to this point, because his journey is a precarious one.
But I am at the point where, although I love him and want to work on our relationship, I need him to be more present for me.
How do I reconcile these things without falling into bitterness or resentment myself?
Currently, we still maintain separate residences and see each other weekends.
Do you love him as he stands before you today or does he have to change in some way?
This from Buddhist Boot Camp today, it came to mind as I read your post:
"Everybody says they love somebody. It means nothing (even if it's true), because WHAT YOU FEEL ONLY MATTERS TO YOU! It's what you DO to the people you say you love that matters. It's the only thing that counts!" —A quote from the movie 'The Last Kiss'
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Do I love him as he stands before me as he is? Yes. He is still a pain in my a$$, my best friend, my lover, but he is holding back.
He and I know this, both.
He is still not truthful with me emotionally and I would like him to begin. A little is fine. That would be fine if he didn't tend to lie then hold it against me later on lol!
He is trying to be a little more selfish about him...a good thing....more assertive to what he wants/needs,
As I said, maybe I just don't know what any other kind of relationship should look like? What do people do when they feel their needs aren't being met? I brought it up and we will go to a counsellor ?
H is the type of guy who needs to be needed. But then he acquiesces to make others happy so he doesn't have to deal with the fact that someone is unhappy by his actions. He will also lie to avoid any conflict.
He then stuffs down his true feelings and resents me or whomever else later on.
I can relate to this, but I'd like to know how he holds back and how you know he's holding back.
M-44 W-45 S21,S18,SS16,SD13,S5,D4 M-9y BD- May 2013 Piecing- Dec 2013
The holding back stems from a conversation. I told him I felt like he was holding back and he admitted he was, but didn't know what.
Since we had a CC ( couples counselling)session lately there are a few things that could be the reason. All of them actually very valid, obviously to him lol, but increasingly so to me as he was gave words to what he was feeling.
Hey Ruby. Sounds like things are still progressing.
So let me ask, if things were "perfect," what would they look like? If things were progressing at the pace you thought was appropriate, what would they look like? An acceptable level?
What are your issues? Him "holding back" seems pretty general...you could mean one thing, he could mean another.
