Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting!

[KGirl]

Eeek. H was talking to his mom on the phone just now and asked me what I was doing this weekend, because MIL was thinking of visiting. I must have looked confused because he then said "in case your parents were coming or something..." like they shouldn't all be here at the same time. I said they weren't coming, and I guess it was decided she'll come Sunday. Do I:
A) Just be here and act normal? That'd be weird. H told her about his "decision." She's messaged me to tell me she's thinking about me, so I don't think she's "against me", but would be weird to all be here together like nothing has happened.
B) Plan to be gone during that time?
C) Ask H what he thinks?
D) some other option I haven't thought of?

[labug]

What would feel best for you?

[KGirl]

I would feel a little bad avoiding her because it sounds like she still cares about me, but really I'm avoiding the "let's act like we're a family and nothing has happened" piece and not her specifically. I can't control how she interprets that. If she was just coming and H wasn't here I'd have no problem with it. It would be easiest and least stressful if I just wasn't there and didn't have to deal with it. Is there any downside to taking the easy way out and hiding somewhere else that day? : )

[TipAnna]

In my opinion, I would get out! This way you are not putting yourself in a situation YOU don't want to be in. Either way, let him explain why you are not there. His family, his mess, why act like you are together if he has made no effort at reconciliation? Just my 0.02$.

[labug]

Stay and say Hi and then have somewhere else to go.

Or just not be there.

[25yearsmlc]

Stay and say Hi and then have somewhere else to go.

Or just not be there.

If you do go, can you text her that you are "sorry to miss her but" and then say something like "under the circumstances" you feel as if being there while he is there with her, would feel stressful, OR would "Cut into their time", etc.

But make sure she knows she is still part of YOUR life too. I say that as a mother too. Not just as a DIL. But as a DIL, I can tell you that your MIL saying anything, is better than some.

When my h went off to his frozen frontier, (after 25 years of m and 3 kids) he was gone for the better part of 2 years.

IN that time, my mil called our children and I exactly ---zero times...
which hurt.

(At her funeral, our oldest d spoke. She said even though she did not know her grandmother well, that did not mean her grandmother did not love her..."

My h & bil were stunned by this. They both asked me "what? How could she not KNOW how loved she was by our mother?"


Wow...they simply did not realize that ignoring your only grandchildren for years, DOES affect their r's.
Speaking as a mom or potential MIL, I have 2 adult children (one HS at home) and my son and adult daughter have both broken up with people they had brought into our lives. H and I both were fond of their special friends.

My d1 asked h and I not to have ANY contact with her x...wth?

This was recent. We both balked, and she was furious about our "disloyalty" etc. So we backed off to check ourselves (for NOW)... but we both feel that the others our children bring into our lives, can sometimes become people we come to love. We cannot turn it off. Over time, we won't.

In a month or so, I will reach out to the ex just to let them know that we do still care & think of them often, wish them well, etc.

BUT they are NOT married. If they were, I'd probably do or say more and I"d at least suggest GOOD mc (as opposed to general MC, which often consists or rehashing old grievances). However, my mil said nothing. Not b/c she didn't care but b/c she was a weak woman. Conflict avoidant to the max. Not my fault, not h's. Just how she was.

Finally, you need to know this is NOT easy for us as the family of a WAH.

My oldest brother divorced his wonderful wife, for reasons that remain unknown to me (11 years later). I think he knew that he was not a great h for her and wanted someone lower maintenance. Mind you, his first w was NOT "high maintenance", she was just normal. Like she'd want help...raising their child...

So he brought new women to the family gatherings and we were always mortified. We were polite to the OWs but not warm. But we also accepted that our brother, fool that he was, WAS in fact divorcing his wonderful wife. Beyond our control. Believe me, we tried!

I can tell you this: My former sil is still close to me and some of my siblings (i've spent more time with her than with my brother, come to think of it).

We told our brother he was a fool and "making the biggest mistake of his life" etc. To no avail. So, Is he happier now? Who knows?

All I am sure of, is that my former sil truly IS happier now, than she ever would have been with my brother. She found someone much better suited for her. That guy helped her raise my niece a lot more than my brother would have. Sad to say, but true.

Hope this helps somehow. BTW, it might help to know, What is your h's relationships like with his mom?

Whatever you do, make sure you enjoy the activity you choose. Go ahead and be a bit mysterious about it too...and LOOK YOUR BEST.

I'm a scent person and I found buying new perfumes I loved but had never worn before, was really helpful. No memories resurfaced, but I'd smell great and I felt a little more beautiful wearing them.

Good luck!

[KGirl]

Thanks, all, for your advice! Still not sure what I'll do, we'll see how I feel and how it all works out timing-wise tomorrow.

25 - yes, I can tell this has been hard on H's family. H's mom and both SILs have messaged me/reached out to ask how I'm doing, that they think of me often, etc. H's older SIL (who is married w/ children) went so far as to say "we're worried that he's treating you like sh*t during this". She asked how long we've been "working on things" because she believes D is a last resort, and was unhappy to hear that we haven't actually been working on anything since H's BD came out of the blue with no opportunity for "work". She also said she'd be listening ear for either one of us, but that H has not reached out to her and that it was too bad he hadn't, as she would like to tell him marriage isn't all butterflies and rainbows, etc. I've done my best to stay out of it and just respond with basic things like "I'm glad to hear you're thinking of me, thank you, I'm doing OK all things considered".

H's relationship with his mom... hmm. Well, he doesn't talk to her on the phone multiple times a week like his SILs do, so they're not really close emotionally. However, she devotes her life to taking care of her kids/grandkids and H especially as the only boy. Throughout college and when he moved back home for awhile afterwards she'd continue to schedule appointments for him, make him dinner every night, etc. A couple of months ago we bought a snowblower but it wouldn't fit in the car. I suggested we rent a uhaul or borrow a friend's truck in town, he instead called his mom and asked her if she'd come to our city and bring her van just to help get it to our house. She lives an hour away! The reason she's actually coming tomorrow is to bring him things he's certainly capable of buying himself but that she thought he might like (like girl scout cookies). She'll mail him coupons that he doesn't know what to do with. She'll give him food to make "her chili" which again he's capable of buying. She coddles him and he's not very thankful, like he just expects it. For example, w/ the snowblower, he blew up at her about something with how it was loaded in the van, when he should have been grateful she was even willing to make a special trip to do that. During BD he told me how he wished I would be more like his mother... which I take to mean cooking all his meals, making phone calls for him, etc. Though I don't think he'd be attracted to someone who mothers him?

Re: them and the situation, H did say after he told her about his "decision" that she said something about how it was important he be happy and that she didn't want him to end up like her/her M. She apparently told H that she was just waiting for his dad to die and maybe then she could be happy and find someone else. They're just married for convenience. I imagine this somehow plays into everything H is thinking about... though I think we have the capacity to actually DO something about it if we found ourselves falling into "convenience." H's view is very pessimistic and rigid - people can't change, nothing will change, if it does it will only be for a little while and we'll just find ourselves in the same place 5 years from now. I think I am capable of change. But maybe he doesn't have the capability or interest. Whatever grass is greener elsewhere isn't going to be magically easier!

[KGirl]

Is it ever OK to point out a WAS's discrepancy between something they want and the choices they have made? For example, yesterday when I was getting ready to go to a friend's house I was packing a card game that H has yet to play, since I got it for Christmas. H said "I really want to play that game... someday I'll get the chance to." Someday with me? Someday with other people? Who knows.. but anyways, what I WANTED to say was "well, that's really up to you, isn't it? The choice you've made led you to not being invited." What I actually did was ignore the statement. If we were together he certainly would have been invited and we'd all be hanging out together. Not sure if it helps or hurts to point it out.

[labug]

Mindreading.

He could also buy the cards and invite friends to play, he may just be making conversation, he me be...

As long as you do that and let it go, it's pretty harmless. It's when you believe what you think to be the truth is when you get stuck.

He'll either figure out his choices are hurting him, (if in fact they are) or not.

You did the right thing, let it go.

Keep the focus on you.

[KGirl]

Turns out H's mom was just going to stop by to drop his stuff off, and then they were going to go to lunch and see a movie. So I opted to come out and say hi to her when she got here.. we chit-chatted for awhile and H just listened with occasional interjections. Then H said it was time to get going so they could make it to the movie on time. I said "have a good lunch, and a good movie!" and his mom said "aren't you coming to lunch?" Awkward. H said "No?" with a look on his face like "obviously not" and she said "oh... ok. I guess we'll go have a good lunch and a good movie then." When she went to the bathroom I said to H "I mean, I could come to lunch, but I didn't think I was invited or that I was wanted there." His response: "I don't think we'd have time to go to lunch, drop you off, and then go to the movie." This movie was one I had already seen by myself and he knows that. I said lightly "well, it was a pretty good movie and I wouldn't mind seeing it again, but it's really up to you!" and walked away. No answer. They just left. Ugh. This is where the struggle is - how can he act normally most of the time but sometimes not? I want all or nothing. Either be my H so we can go out to eat, go to movies, hang out with each other's families, or not so I can find someone else who will actually want to do those things with me.