M- 3B is right, that's how he feels today. He thinks he's 100% done and that he'll never change his mind. Welcome to WAS-land where everything is an absolute. But here's the thing- WAS's DO change their minds. He loved you at one time and "changed his mind" about that. Well he can certainly change it back again. Will he? Sorry, there is no crystal ball. But he might, so don't let this development get you down because this is pretty typical WAS script.
Wow, M...I'm sorry you had to hear that. Why can our H's or any WAS he such jerks? They know exactly where to get a dig in, don't they?
When my H starts acting like this & I let my mind lose focus & go crazy & mad I have to remind myself what I'm doing & what I want. I set a 5 minute time limit to be mad & have a pity party for myself & move on with a PMA. My problem is mind reading & allowing my mind to wander way too often. The 5 minutes helps me control those moments so I'm not stuck in it all day long.
Just go with it, you got this.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
Melissa- sending you giant hugs this morning. The last few days I have been reminding myself to go back to a beginners mind. The loving H and best friend you used to know would never have that conversation via text. The person he is at this moment would. That is not to say he won't change into a different person again but right now this is the one you have to deal with.
My H told me 1x at the very beginning of this that he wanted to be free and thought I understood that to mean "I am done and want a D"
3 is right. Not what you wanted to hear right now but knowing where he stands is better than limbo. Now you can truly move forward and do what you need to do for you.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
M- 3B is right, that's how he feels today. He thinks he's 100% done and that he'll never change his mind. Welcome to WAS-land where everything is an absolute. But here's the thing- WAS's DO change their minds. He loved you at one time and "changed his mind" about that. Well he can certainly change it back again. Will he? Sorry, there is no crystal ball. But he might, so don't let this development get you down because this is pretty typical WAS script.
As is completely right. My ex said the exact same thing to me the first time. Then she changed her mind and came back, then changed her mind again.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard her day things then change her mind about it afterwards. It s*cks big time I know.
Are you gonna throw in the towel or continue with the marathon? Ironically, acting like you've thrown in the towel is part of the marathon.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
Just wanted to give you a big virtual hug! I am so sorry to read about what you are going through.
All have been said already! Do take care of you - you are such a fantastic person! (If you are in that mood, you will properly say to yourself now: How the F does he know? And to that: You have spilled your guts in here for some time and I read you! You have been so supportive to so many of us, while hurting like cr@p inside. That takes a fantastic person! Be her again as soon as possible, but take the time to process this!)
Sending all my support!
F
Please pardon my language but I think the above needs to be underlined.
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Yes, our Hs are selfish jerks. Your H is on match.com (looking for W as young as 25) and my H has an OW (with four kids, more debt than you can imagine, an alcoholic and her H is prison) because they are truly not looking for a relationship. They want freedom, so they will attach themselves to people they have no future with.
Yes, it is unfair because these men voluntarily asked us to marry them and voluntarily decided to have children. We did not force them to do it, we did not trick them. When the image they had about what being a husband and father looked like did not match reality, they bailed. They blamed us and left.
I know that you are so worried about your kids. It is gut wrenching to see what this is doing to them. But your H's relationship with the kids is his to figure out. They will be okay if you love them with everything that you have. You will have an amazing relationship with them the rest of your life. You will be their rock, you will be their home. .
I just wanted to focus on one of the good things that I see coming from your conversation with your H and to point out how your hard work has paid off. Your H has gotten to the point that he can no longer blame you for his decisions. In the wake of BD, you dug deep and started working on you. Although he did not say it, he sees it. If he didn't, I think that your conversation would have been a lot different and filled with a lot more accusations. Until he stopped blaming you, there was no chance that he would ever look inside himself. He is definitely not there yet, but it is a step.
Right now, you just need a short term plan for what to do the next couple of days. You mentioned that your H wanted three more nights with your kids this week. You also mentioned that you are sleep deprived and sick. So here is what I would propose to your H if I was in your shoes: H can take the kids tonight if he wants because you are not feeling well. H can keep the kids on Wednesday and Saturday night as previously agreed. This allows your kids to see your H after not seeing him for a week. It allows you to be able to recover from the emotional blow of last night, to hopefully get some sleep and to take care of yourself since you are sick. The rest of the days, you will have the kids. Next week starts the regular Wednesday/Saturday schedule. If he does not want tonight, then tell him you will stick with the Wednesday/Saturday schedule. It shows that you are being flexible, without giving in to his every demand.
Thank you so much, everyone. Your posts mean the world to me.
I am still shocked. I don't understand how someone can think - let alone, say - something like this. Just how arrogant does someone have to be in order to feel entitled to be free of expectations and obligations, and apparently not notice or care about the effects it has on others? Am I just naive??
Quote:
Are you gonna throw in the towel or continue with the marathon? Ironically, acting like you've thrown in the towel is part of the marathon.
I am not sure what this means . . . I am certainly not going to stop working on me, or my GALing. Most of my 180s were things that I thought I needed to change about myself anyway (like being less perfectionist and controlling), but I haven't really considered to what extent I will try to keep him happy otherwise (though clearly there will be no sex).
How would I act differently based on whether I am throwing in the towel or staying the course? I most definitely have zero interest in pursuing other relationships now or, as it feels like now, ever. And I will not file for D, nor help push it along. I do not want a D, so H will have to do that on his own. I will participate only to make sure that my kids and I are getting the most we are possibly entitled to. (Don't get me started on how screwed I am going to be financially, after giving up my career to be a SAHM as part of the deal with H, which he is now reneging on.)
The question really for me is how much time I want to spend with H. Right now, I don't even want to see his arrogant, self centered, narcissistic face. But I don't know what is the best thing to do for me or my kids. I need to think about it.
I have way too much to think about and it's overwhelming. I am going to have to get a job, sell the house, live a much less affluent lifestyle, and see my kids a whole lot less. There is nothing good about this. I just feel like saying FML. If only I wasn't sick and could go for a run. Argh.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
All have been said already! Do take care of you - you are such a fantastic person! (If you are in that mood, you will properly say to yourself now: How the F does he know? And to that: You have spilled your guts in here for some time and I read you! You have been so supportive to so many of us, while hurting like cr@p inside. That takes a fantastic person!
Thank you, F. That really means a lot to me. I have always thought I was a good person, I think my H just had me convinced otherwise. It is going to take me a while to get past that, when I feel like a piece of trash thrown in the dumpster.
3, you are right . . . H didn't blame me last night. It just seems like small solace. At least if he blamed me, then maybe I could fix the things he didn't like, and he might reconsider. This pretty much feels like a death sentence. It doesn't matter who I am, what I do, what I have to offer, or that I am the mother of his children. He just wants to be selfish. I can't go up against that.
Sigh. I don't want to do this.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I have always thought I was a good person, I think my H just had me convinced otherwise. 
It is going to take me a while to get past that, when I feel like a piece of trash thrown in the dumpster.