Wishing You Were Here and then Setting It On Fire

[Portia]

A New Year, a New Thread.

Am I the only one surprised by how fast time seems to go by? Since BD, it has been 17 months - 2 Christmases, 2 New Years now.

I thought I should be over this whole business in a month.

I have become stronger and more detached. Detachment does not feel like I thought it would. There is no longer any fear of the future without Skippy. I am making plans on my own and plans to move forward. And although I am not ready to seek it out, if an opportunity to move on presents itself, I am no longer opposed to doing so. But I am still not detached enough to seek out those oppotunities.

In detachment, I am sometimes still disappointed. I was disappointed when Skippy did nto call me on Christmas and disappointed when he did not text at midnight on New Year. But the disappointment does not feel like it used to feel. Only more of a reality check than anything else.

He did text later that afternoon, just to say Happy New Year.

In detachment, I guess I have to get used to these touch and goes which don't mean anything at all, really. I do not have the heart to ignore them. Not yet anyway.

For those of us who are long-distance or rarely see our partners, it is difficult to tell if any of these sort of small attempts are real efforts to reconnect. We cannot tell if anything is changing becuase we can't see it. For me, trust is a huge issue. Even now, I wonder where the GF is. Not obsessively, but I do wonder.

Detachment appears to be a state where I can go hours without thinking of him. Where even when I do, it is not anything but a little sad for what was lost but it is not heart wrenching anymore.

I am looking forwar to the new year and hopefully a fresh start. Dad's foot is doing well and my cat meets me at the door every single day.

Here's to the New Year!

[Portia]

Nero,

I wanted to bring this over from my old thread:

this jerk doesn't call- i don't even really want to pick up- but i want to know he tried. i'd like to have thought that i was in his life enough that a stinkin ten minute phone call would occur to him.

It says so much. It is how I feel as well. I may not be ready to talk to him and often don't feel like talking because it is all so awkward, but damnabbit, I liked to know he tried. And a phone call or a text does not seem like too much trouble.

I am pulling further and further away from him. Too much time has passed. Touch and goes are crumbs and are no longer enough. I wonder if he thinks they are? I noticed in his last texts he has called me "friend" but are we really? With friends like that...

I need to know he is trying or this is truly done. Really, I am almost truly done. Can't really figure out why I am not done already biut there you have it.

Heather, we do the best we can think of in the circumstances. There is a part of me that wishes I would have punched him in the face, called him a lousy something or another and booted him completely out of my life at the very beginning. If I thought he cared about how he treated me, I might tell him. Problem is that I still do not think he cares all that much. And why unburden myself to someone who just does not care? I love that you are trusting yourself, you should. I could learn a thing or two from you.

[AJM]

For those of us who are long-distance or rarely see our partners, it is difficult to tell if any of these sort of small attempts are real efforts to reconnect.

Hi Portia. Happy New Year.

It seems the style you are writing in here is more like a journalist or scientist objectively journalling your feelings and thoughts. I think it's important as many of us do not do that and wonder how others handle these events.

One thing that has stood out for me in all of this when faced with that same question: do I want to reconnect with my ex? I've thought the same with my ex over time. Right after she got married I received all kinds of email and correspondence from her. My sense was that she was trying to connect in some way (not necessarily good, but..). She seemed to be reconciling her feelings from the past several years at the time. She still does seem to be doing that. I noticed.

But for me, it came down to what I wanted out of an interaction with her or anyone for that matter. That was hard for me because I'm normally a very giving person.

At some point, you may have to decide what it is you need/want/will accept from your ex as well. It may no longer be about what he is trying to do, but rather what you are willing to accept from anyone in that regard.

Something to consider at least.

Peace,
AJ

[Whiterose]

Happy New Year Portia!

I find myself wondering if H will ever want to reconnect but he gives me no reason to think he does so I continue to (try) and pretend he doesn't exist. He called the boys just after midnight, they were with me, and no text, no greetings of any kind.

It's a new year.....time to make some new ideas to go along with it I guess......

take care portia. I wish you joy in 2014!

[nero]

hey hi

I need to know he is trying or this is truly done. Really, I am almost truly done. Can't really figure out why I am not done already biut there you have it.

yeah, me too. only problem is that i don't think my h knows what the heck he's doing at all- OOR - he knows exactly what he's doing and stringing me along , using me because he knows me sooo well. and can.

i am not sure we get to know- i'm not sure if it's good or bad to have any sort of "faith" in any thing or any one. i'm not so sure about faith in "the process". i'm not sure about anyhthing tonite.

i feel like you- when i don't see h for three weeks, i feel like i'm approaching done. then he's around and pleasant for a stinkin week (couldja spare it) and i am less "done" a bit.

i'm pretty resigned to something. \\will advise when I figure out what.
\\

i'm outta here- very tired all of a sudden.

have a nice nite- xxoo

i'm done thinking today- too much of that on the whole for a pretty snowy day.

[BrightFuture]

I have become stronger and more detached. Detachment does not feel like I thought it would. There is no longer any fear of the future without Skippy. I am making plans on my own and plans to move forward. And although I am not ready to seek it out, if an opportunity to move on presents itself, I am no longer opposed to doing so. But I am still not detached enough to seek out those oppotunities.

This ^^^^^…

Detachment appears to be a state where I can go hours without thinking of him. Where even when I do, it is not anything but a little sad for what was lost but it is not heart wrenching anymore.

And this ^^^^^…

Portia, it looks like you verbalized the thoughts that have been in my head exactly. We have such a similar circumstances. I too wonder how we can be friends, when H doesn’t treat me like one. I also cannot understand why I’m not done yet.

I wish you a very happy and different year 2014. I’m looking forward to it myself.

[nero]

yeah -

i miss having h as a "friend". he thinks he is. if any friend treated me this way- they would no longer be my friend.

maybe we have diferent opinions of friendship.

i read a blurb once that said"anyone agrees with you when you're right - a real friend agrees with you when you're wrong". i liked it alot and made me think of a paticular friend. she will go to bat and is exactly the person to take your stand with you- no mattter what.

funny thought isn't it-friendship, loyhalty, on your side til the bitter end.

i may be very idealistic and unrealistic in life. just sayin

xxo oh yeah- me too.

[Hopefull2]

Hi Portia,

Thanks for expressing you thoughts with us. As already said many of us have these same sentiments. We are done but not...

I think reality is that what we have experienced will always be with us and will shape who we are. It is our job to recognize this and not allow it to negatively affect us. In that I can see how easily this would cause troubles in any future relationship. The lack of trust, the wondering/doubting the sincerity of someone we let in.

I have wondered if true and final healing/closure will only come when we do begin to let down our guard and let someone else in??

Wishing you the best on this years adventures. Here is to finding our Happiness and Contentment

[Portia]

Hi Everyone!

So glad you stopped by!

Hopeful - how are you?! It has been a long time, friend! I confess letting someone "in" again scares me more than anything.

WR, your H is a fool to let you go. You are awesome and I am wishing you all the best, too.

AJ, you always give me something to think about. And you are right, the barometer isn't really him, it's me. When do I not want to continue this touch and go business. Wish I knew the answer to that!

I didn't mean to sound like a journalist. That comment was borne out of a dicussion that Bright and I had way back when about the challenges of being in a long distance relationship (for lack of a better word) We don't get to have the normal clues and neither of us have enough contact with our partners to be able to distinguish between a touch and go and a sincere attempt at a genuine response. At least not until its been over and done with for a while. For example, when Skippy called after an 8 month silence, I though maybe a reconnection. Nope, touch and go. It would just be nice to have some sorta clue.

Bright, I wish this wasn't happening to you, but I am sure glad you are with me, my friend. I don't feel like my feelings are so strange when yours are so similar. In some ways we become stronger because of their absence in our lives but in some ways we are thrown for a bigger loop when they reappear!

Nero, I hear you. I was following your discussion with Dawn on her thread when she said that she was a bit worried that she would be so DONE and then her H would wake up - a day late. I think the same, sometimes. At the very beginning of all this, I thought I may have imagined how strong our bond was. But if he is still "touching and going" after 18 months, I could not have imagined it all by myself.

But he IS dreaming if he thinks this is a friendship! Like you, if he was a friend and treated me this way, he wouldn't be anymore. At least not without some serious grovelling. (Never could hold a grudge).

My hope for 2014 is to see some movement one way or the other for this sitch. For me to be fully and completely done, for him to be or for us to be slowly reconnecting in a recognizable way. I am not sure how realistic that is, but that is what I hope.

I cannot thank you all enough and are glad you are with me. I tend to view things regarding Skippy in a negative light. I will need you to balance that. Not to give me false hope but to see things realistically. Where there is a small step from him or where he is playing me. At the very least, I would like to be at a place of forgiveness and to lose the anger that creeps up on me every so often. Because that is the only way I am going to be able to fully let go and never look back.

[nero]

hiya -

At the very beginning of all this, I thought I may have imagined how strong our bond was. But if he is still "touching and going" after 18 months, I could not have imagined it all by myself.

i wonder this too. i know what i thought it all was- i believed with every single fiber of my being. i guess that's why it's such a huge tragedy in my life. it doesn't explain what the heck it IS to him. that's my problem. if he doesn't talk & i know now he lies- how do i ever know if i'm imagining it or not?

they have, in some huge way, set the stage for us to have a lifetime going forward of mistrust BUT ONLY (of them). honestly- i think , being the people we are - that if we were to find love again- and feel it with someone else- we would not be totally prevented from jumping in again. it would feel tooo good - we would LOOOOOVE THE FEELING AND THE GOOD GOOD DIRECTION it sends us in- and we would not (i think) put the residual trash from this wrecked r onto someone new).

believe it or not- when i met this h after my first ex-h ( in 1975) (who turned out to have some drink & violence issues (duhhh- his hated parents allover again!!!) - i remember still how wonderful it felt to meet someone new that was such a better fit for me. NO KIDDING- i do not think we will even think of the bad stuff applying to this person- we would have been very very aware of anything that was a tipoff waaaaay before our hearts or minds felt attraction to this new person. imho...

it's what i think about myself. i'm changed person for sure. i will never ever (i don't think) indulge in soooo much self-delusion again. (well, i'm shortly 63 - i don't have enough years left to live to fill with THAT MUCH self-delusion (maybe) (negative me) - ANYWAY THO- I HONESTly think we'll all quite easily be able to feel the pleasure & wonder of a new r, how "magic" it feels when you realize you and someone think alike, feel alike, how good it feels after this damaged and tortured stuff going on in your life - dragging y0u down instead of lifting you up.

saying that out loud, from my own life experience - i'm thinking also -unfortunately- that we cannot MAKE it happen- it just shows up in your face one day, and creeps in, and you begin to realize it's more than you thought- they're more than you thought, etc. it's just magic - when you find people who are destined to become a big part of your life -

i sound sooooo schmaltzy saying out loud here - that i still think it's a matter mostly of "fate" - there are people out there- magic if we run into them and begin again....
\

WE NEED TO JUST get ourselves out of the house, go on with our lives, and continue doing and being who and what we are- and if we're very lucky- we will just bumble into another "life" and it will be okay. I even believe if it's meant to happen- we can be here shilly shallying around with h and r and wondering, and putzing along - thinking we should be DOING something more, better - more definitive. AND THAT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER EITHER- IF WE'RE gonna meet someone and move on- past this guy- we will. h can be sitting there next to you and if your heart gets that little nudge from someone and it begins to include them- there's not a force on earth that will stop you (probably) from exploring it- it will HAVE TO BE. HOLY COW- is that the yellow brick road up ahead- i sound quite wacky don't I?

so , while i have not one stinkin concrete idea about my old life and h and where that will be when dust in my brain settles- (my stinking intense/earth shattering loyalty & devotion (ack ack) being what it is/was...)

i know, i think, that there is life beyond it. even if i cannot embrace it yet- or feel all that good about it- i still think it's there. it actually makes me want to throw up when i totally allow self to go there- total withdrawal. (see - do UNDERSTAND ADDICTION)...

ta da- pollyanna doin her stupid old "sunshine dance" -

GOD - can i be this old & have a , shortly, 63 years of life experience and still believe it? I DO...

THANK YOU AND DRIVE THRU PLEASE...XXO