Hello, everyone. I am new here. I don't know what else to do and I need the advice and encouragement from people who understand what I am going through.
My husband and I have been married for 10 years. He said he wanted a D in October due to me being unfaithful 9 years prior. The infidelity lasted 2 weeks and there was no sexual involvement other than kissing. I never did see or speak to the guy again. I thought that we were OK since it happened so long ago and that we were able trust and work through our problems. Through the years, H said that we were never the same. Because of my involvement with the other guy, sex he thought was never the same (although we had sex almost every day). Lack of communication and trust in the marriage was always present. I always thought that everything was fine, but I was wrong! He said that he could no longer go on living like this, that he cannot forgive and forget. He needed to end this M.
I moved out of the house and have been living in our condo for over a month now. At first, I cried, begged, and pleaded. I did everything that I know I was not supposed to do. I have done the 180s and we get along better now, maybe because I try not to be an emotional wreck around him. We work together so we see each other often. We still hang out, have dinner, and see movies. We still hold hands, kiss, and say "I love you." We spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and NYE with friends and family. From the outside looking in, we are a beautiful couple and no one would guess that we're on the verge of a D. We have not told anyone about the D yet. I don't think it's ambivalence on his part, but H doesn't want people throwing in their two cents and meddling in our affairs.
H said that this M can't be saved and that he will always love me. He said that could possibly see us together in the future, but he can't say for certain, because if he did have any hopes of R now, he wouldn't be going through with the D. I am so confused. I want so much to save my M, but H doesn't want to so I don't know how. I feel so hopeless. I feel like I have no other choice but to throw in the towel. I believe he has already contacted the lawyer. Since we don't have children and I am not contesting anything, it should be a speedy D. He said that R will not happen in this marriage, but if we were to R, it will be a new "US". So if there is no hope for this M, how can I keep the love alive and not lose faith or hope that R can be in our future?
H: 43 W: 31 Married: 10 yrs BD: 10/6/2013
"Hearts are not had as a gift but hearts are earned By those that are no entirely beautiful" -William Butler Yeats
H: 43 W: 31 Married: 10 yrs BD: 10/6/2013
"Hearts are not had as a gift but hearts are earned By those that are not entirely beautiful" -William Butler Yeats
My girlfriend introduced me to yoga in September. I took one class and I was hooked! I started going three times a week and this made my husband very suspicious. One day, he asked me why i was going to yoga all the time. i don't know what happened to me that day but i snapped. we got in a huge fight. i slept on the couch that night. it was the first time in 13 years that we went to bed angry. a week later, he said he wanted a D. I've been a wreck since.
I have been giving him time and space. I have been patient , kind, and understanding. I dont' call or text unless it is work related. I try to be as happy as I can around him. I have read the book and have done some 180s. I have been working on myself and H says he sees a lot of good changes in me. Still with all the good, all the love that is still here, he doesn't want to save our M.
Adding to my heartache, H knows that I want to start a family. I'm in my 30s and feel that my biological clock is ticking. At a time when I thought that I'd have children, I get slapped with D instead. I hate this feeling of hopelessness. I just want to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
H: 43 W: 31 Married: 10 yrs BD: 10/6/2013
"Hearts are not had as a gift but hearts are earned By those that are not entirely beautiful" -William Butler Yeats
I don't know how to interpret that phrase. We drove to work together on Thursday and I'm throwing evrything up against the wall to see what sticks. I came up with the idea of prolonging the separation to see how he feels in a few months. He said that his mind was made up and that we're just prolonging the inevitable. He doesn't want to live in limbo. I felt like the separation talk was the last resort to saving our M. I became more distant and quiet the next few days without even realizing it but H took notice. On our drive home Saturday, he placed his hand on my leg and said that just because he doesn't want to prolong the separation doesn't mean that our chances of reconciling had diminshed. When I dropped him offf at his car to go home, he asked for a kiss and he held me. So back to the phrase... I shouldn't believe him that he wants to end this M? If we are to D , I shouldn't believe him that there's s chance for us to R? If i should only believe half of what I see, should i only believe that he is showing me half BS emotions and half genuine emotions? I know you're trying to help and Im not trying to come down on you, but I am so confused. Maybe im so blinded by love that i believe everything i hear him say since he never gave me a reason to doubt him in all our 13 yeats.
H: 43 W: 31 Married: 10 yrs BD: 10/6/2013
"Hearts are not had as a gift but hearts are earned By those that are not entirely beautiful" -William Butler Yeats
"32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared"
Pampkin, I doubt your kissing some guy 9 years ago is really the reason your H is unhappy. He's probably using it as an excuse to justify what he's doing. Read DR. Read Sandi's rules. Work on yourself while giving your H time and space. Your H is absolutely right when he says this:
"He said that R will not happen in this marriage, but if we were to R, it will be a new "US"."
Your old M is dead and gone, never to return. But that's good! It didn't work for him and probably not for you either. Your goal is to make yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave, and hopefully that will attract him back to work on a NEW R with a new you and new him.
I agree with AS. More likely he became ubhappy and it started eating at him again but 9 yearsa later? If it bothered him that much he'd have brought it up earlier.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Reading all that you have written here, I believe that there is still hope for your marriage to survive. Michele Weiner-Davis says that you can "divorce the old marriage and begin a new one with the same partner". In the end of your post, it seems as if your spouse referred to the same concept. I urge you to seek the advice of a Divorce Busting coach as soon as possible. There is so much that can still be done to save your marriage. Please call me to discuss our coaching program. 303-444-7004
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
