I received a text this morning from W. I know other people have issues with their spouse's communication style. W's style is to avoid telling you she wants something, def NEVER going to ask...I think she's too insecure.
Her style is to accuse you of not wanting something she wants and have you make a decision...and I fall for it like an idiot every time.
Text received this morning..."So you don't want to see me today?" smh
I assured her I do, I'll pick her up for lunch. She says "ok".
I guess it's not as bad as I thought.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/20/1510:51 AM.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Ok I'm full of it. Went to meet her for lunch, had a quick chat in the car and decided I can have lunch by myself. Took her to a hotel seeing as we were already on the road. I'm alright with it, mostly because I was the one who decided I wanted this.
I don't understand why a hotel though, why not her place? I wonder if it's because she wants her place to be some kind of sanctuary or if she's hiding something? I know, I know…mind reading. But still, isn't it weird?
I meet my C tomorrow, need to discuss this.
In your opinion, would you consider this as progress towards R even though we don't do anything else together?
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
It's interesting how people can casually spit out comments that feel like a smack in the face.
W came this morning with D9 to give money for groceries. All well and good, she was also affectionate. Almost made me think there's hope. Then she made a comment about how she might come over this summer to sun bathe in the back yard. That hit me hard. I had hoped (like an idiot) that she wouldn't renew her lease this summer and come back. Moron. Now I see that ain't happening. She's not coming back.
On her way out she tells me she loves me. Blech. I'm still not a husband to her. She also told me that she tried to get S14 to babysit for the night so she could go clubbing with her lesbian friend that I'm still suspicious of...she hasn't seen them all week and she already wants to get out?
This isn't good. I don't think this is progress.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Meeting W today. After her little visit this weekend she texted me to meet for lunch. I'm still unsure on whether what I'm seeing is progress towards our marriage. It's progress on our relationship of sorts, but I don't see it as progress towards her coming back...maybe I'm wrong...I'm wrong a lot
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Why does she think that she can waltz in and out of the house whenever she wants? Do you get to go to her place whenever you want?
Maybe I am just projecting my negative feelings onto you, but do you feel like your W is pulling the puppet strings? Especially after last week, when you said no to ML, and then ended up doing it anyway. Now she knows that she can keep you on the hook with sex.
I guess ML could be a sign of progress, though frankly, I feel like if she was serious about wanting to make things work with you, she would be focusing on the important stuff rather than ML at her whim, and letting you know that she will not be back this summer, but will walk into your house (and life) if she feels like it.
As you know, my H was saying all sorts of positive things - never that he wanted to R, but that he was hopeful, etc., and he was all about ML, but I have recently learned that he intended to D me the whole time. I would say that if she is wanting to ML, but not having any kind of discussions about R or how things will change, or how that will work, that is a warning sign that she isn't really ready to R.
Of course everyone's sitch is different. But it seems to me, from what you have posted, that your W is just doing as she pleases, rather than making a serious effort to R. So it's up to you if you want to go along with it.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
That's exactly how I feel. I'm not good at this, I don't know what constitutes as progress and what isn't. Also, really nervous about screwing things up.
At times it feels it would be easier to just say "move back or it's over". This is clear, understandable. I don't understand "I love you but I need space from you to work on my troubles that have nothing to do with you". It's f-ing insane.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
I am experiencing the same type of thing from W. Mixed messages, keeping all options open, not fully cutting the cord, riding the fence, etc. I dont know your story, but it's hard to end relationships, so people tend not to do it. We have all done it to someone; string them along until something better presents itself. If you are like m right now, if something good happens I think of it in bad terms. Is she manipulating me? Is she just trying to manage a D while staying buddies so the kids can still have their part time Dad, cousins and grandfolks? I think Sandra37 rules have it pegged, but if you are like me, you have already broken all of the rules. How in the world are we to stay positive?
Well lunch went well. Once we were done eating, I asked her straight out what her plan was. She said she doesn't know her plans day to day, doesn't know yet. It became a 2 hour conversation. Very respectful, but airing of grievances. I kept it on topic. I had no apologies, explained that I knew we had problems but that we didn't need to separate to solve them.
She tried to justify it with "we grew apart" type statements. I stayed on track, explained and re-iterated that I was alone. My role in life had become the supporter of her activities and the kids, there was no space for me. She eventually became more honest and forthcoming. She had her issues too and she finally spoke out. It wasn't easy to hear but it was finally said. I think she finally sees that I wasn't in a good place, she acknowledged and apologized for how I felt. I see understand more how she sees things, though many of the problems she had (I feel) were caused by the position I was in. Eventually we agreed that we need to discuss this more.
We'll see where this goes. I didn't push for R or ask for counselling, let the conversation roll. I think it went well.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Soon after lunch, I sent W a text letting her know I enjoyed lunch and appreciated the conversation. Her reply surprised me.
she basically said she understands where I was coming from when I was unhappy. Acknowledges we weren't communicating, says she loves me and maybe we'll be able to "rekindle the passion". Ended with an i love you and promises we'll talk again.
This is the first time I've ever felt calm about us. in a looooong time.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
