Reaching out for support and advice 2

[bluesgal]

Starting a new thread. Thanks to all of you that have been so kind with your advice. This forum has been my go to for several weeks now and has truly helped me get this far. As my sitch turns and winds, I find myself faced with new decisions for my personal growth and future.

Here is the link for my first thread. Thanks everyone. I'll post an update soon.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2418879&page=1

[3boymom]

Hey Blues. You have gotten a lot of great advice. Although it is hard to ignore fights and just walk away from your H's antics, it will make a huge difference in how you feel if you change this dynamic. At first I felt the overwhelming need to have H apologize and explain why he treated me so poorly. Our arguments and crying sessions went no where because he was not capable of providing me with an answer or apology. My H is still not at that point. You eventually just have to stop doing what is clearly not working.

This may not work for everyone but it worked for me. I printed out a calendar for the month of October. I promised myself that I would try to not cry, plead or argue with H for 30 days. I would avoid the drama, not freak out or ask questions about the A. I would give myself 30 days of true DBing. For 30 days I would not consider whether to file for D. I made myself an appointment for a massage at the end of the 30 days and saved up over that time. I crossed off each day as it passed.

I am a Type A planner control freak so it helped to have a plan and a goal. It helped crossing out the days because it felt like I was making progress and taking back a little bit of control. At the end of the 30 days, I was a much different person then when I started. So much stronger. It was also around the end of this time that I noticed that H was not as cold and angry. I had single handedly changes our dynamic.

You don't have to make any earth shattering decisions. Pick smaller goals and a plan to get there.

[bluesgal]

Oh my gosh 3- You have no idea how much I needed your post tonight. I am sitting here crying at my computer. H is downstairs. We had a fun evening. Played with the kids, watched a new tv show together.

It is an edgy tv show with a lot of sex scenes and I have to tell you. I miss touch so badly. I am sooo lonely. I miss the warmth of his skin and feeling safe in his arms. I was completely antsy during the 2 hour long episodes we watched. My stomach hurt. As soon as the shows were over, I went upstairs right away. The whole way up the stairs and across the house to my bedroom, I kept saying to myself "I'm miserable, I'm miserable". I've have never been so overcome by this feeling. I know that in order to break through to the other side, I have to feel this and I have to officially mourn the loss of my M. Maybe there will be a relationship for us in the future, but for now I have to say goodbye to what was. Holy crap. This is so hard.

I asked my H to talk with me for a moment. I was going to tell him I was done. I told him I know he's not happy and I want him to be happy. He started getting agitated and walked out. You know what he told me? He said "I thought we had a nice night, but you have to end it like this." "When I was miserable, I didn't make a show of it."

He is right. It was so obvious how miserable I was/am. I wasn't fooling anyone tonight. My feelings were on my sleeve. And, I gave him exactly what he was looking for: The person he is so sure that I am. Ugh! That's it! I am angry at myself. How many 2x4's must one girl get before she stands herself up and brushes herself off???

Your story and advice are perfect. I am going to cry to myself a little more tonight, then do the same thing you did-calendar and all. And you know what? Normally when we would have an exchange like this, I would have followed him downstairs, wanted to 'talk' about things. That would turn into an argument, he would leave and the cycle would continue. Tonight, I did not defend myself. I did not follow him. I am here writing this post and hoping to break the cycle and get stronger. Thanks for your post. I can do this for 30 days.

[bluesgal]

FlyontheWall,

I am feeling one of the worst lows of my sitch since it started. Thank you for the links, I will catch up on those stories. I appreciate you commenting on my thread.

Labug,

You have a calm tone to your posts and it grounds me when I read your responses. I am going to read over my threads and try to gain some perspective and self control.

[melissag]

Blues, I know this is easier said than done, but don't be angry with yourself. You are only human, and anyone in this situation would be as miserable as you are feeling right now. You know that it is best for you not to share that with H (IMO, the same goes for being "done," because I am not sure you are really willing to be done, or would be done, no matter what you do at this point), but I know it is hard not to. It is incredibly hard. You can do it, though. I love 3's idea, and I bet it will help you to do something similar. One of the benefits is that it will give you a goal - a chance to feel like you are doing something.

Great job of letting the argument go tonight - count that toward your 30 days!

[labug]

Blues, this just sux sometimes...or a lot of the time.

Only you know when you'e done and if you're you are, you are.

In DB the advice is don't have R talks but once you're trying to rebuild a R, you have to have R talks. Do you believe he is in a place to rebuild?

Is he still involved with the OW? If so, his talk about you ruining the night is a bit manipulative, don't you think? Don't jump on his rollercoaster.

What would you need to see and hear from him to know he's ready to build a new R with you?


((( )))

[bluesgal]

That is the confusing part. H says he has ended the A. Wants to switch areas at work to separate from her.

But, he keeps bringing up his hurt from the past. Anytime we attempt R talk, he retreats and gets angry even though he says he wants to try to work things out. Very typical since bomb- Words and actions do not match. He continues to sleep in the basement. He was very agitated at our counseling appointment yesterday. I told counselor that I am lonely. H has had OW to share with, touch, and be with. I have been alone. My H response is always something like, "Try that for x amount of time." comparing my suffering to his. I really feel like he is punishing me and trying to even the score....except everyone is losing. His walls are built up so high.

I know he says he is willing to try, but to ask him what that looks like creates tension and arguing. I think my only choice is to continue to DB and try to detach.

I don't think we are really ready for rebuilding any time soon. Actually, I feel as though we are farther apart than ever. He at least shared the same bed and occas ML before his affair came out.

I feel like I'm always going back to square 1 with the stakes being higher and the odds being worse.

[juliegayle]

You are not back to square 1. You are so much stronger than you were when this started. Yes you still get pulled in sometimes but you are able to recognize how you are reacting and pull back. You took very practical and positive steps to protect yourself and kids. You have drawn your line in regards to other woman.

Your R with H may keep going backwards but you are not.

[3boymom]

"I thought we had a nice night, but you have to end it like this." My H said the exact same thing to me on several occasions. I finally realized after months of things progressively getting worse that H would NEVER come back to the sad, depressed, mess that I was showing him every time we were in the same room. Every time I cried or got upset or caused "drama" it fueled his reasoning that he HAD to leave. It did not matter to H that he was causing my current state with his horrible decisions and his A. Not only was it making our interactions painful, it will hurting me. I had lost respect for myself and was angry every time I fell apart in front of him and he just walked away to let me pick up the pieces.

Each day that you avoid a confrontation or argument or breakdown you will feel a little stronger. You will rebuild your confidence. You will also give your H an opportunity to see the real you and not the woman in crisis.

Someone on the board have me some great advice at the beginning of my journey and melissa mentioned it above. You need to forgive yourself if you backslide. I have had several backslides, but they were different than before I really starting DBing. Our discussions were shorter and I was able to stop myself from spiraling out of control. I woke up the next morning and crossed out the day despite the minor backslide because I knew that I had learned and made changes. So be kind to yourself. Celebrate even the smallest of accomplishments. Have a plan of action if you see yourself starting to spin out of control (H said something rude one time so I went upstairs without saying anything and took a shower. H actually apologized for the first time in months when I returned after I pulled myself together).

Your H probably has no idea what he is doing and/or what he wants. So give him space and time. Stop giving him things to fuel his thoughts that he cant have a normal M with you. I know that your H was the major cause of all of the drama and pain you are experiencing, but he is just not able to see it. He needs to come to that realization on his own. Until he can stop blaming you, he will never even think to look inward at his own actions.

HUGS!!

[labug]

That is the confusing part. H says he has ended the A. Wants to switch areas at work to separate from her.

But, he keeps bringing up his hurt from the past. Anytime we attempt R talk, he retreats and gets angry even though he says he wants to try to work things out. Very typical since bomb- Words and actions do not match. He continues to sleep in the basement. He was very agitated at our counseling appointment yesterday. I told counselor that I am lonely. H has had OW to share with, touch, and be with. I have been alone. My H response is always something like, "Try that for x amount of time." comparing my suffering to his. I really feel like he is punishing me and trying to even the score....except everyone is losing. His walls are built up so high.

I know he says he is willing to try, but to ask him what that looks like creates tension and arguing. I think my only choice is to continue to DB and try to detach.

I don't think we are really ready for rebuilding any time soon. Actually, I feel as though we are farther apart than ever. He at least shared the same bed and occas ML before his affair came out.

I feel like I'm always going back to square 1 with the stakes being higher and the odds being worse.

As others have said you're not back to square one and I agree that he's not ready to really try to rebuild your R.

I also concur, you need to work on you and let him go. You don't have to buy into his unhappiness.

I wrote a long post on my thread this am, spurred by several threads here in NCs.

You CAN do this.