My Holiday Wish for You

[labug]

Betsey posted this on Melissa's thread and I wanted to bring it here and add my thoughts.

No matter what is happening in our lives, I think that it's an important reminder to actually LIVE the lives we have. Thank you.

It reminds me of a saying an old friend used to tell me: when you have one foot in the past and the other one in the future, you're pissing on the present. I really hate that visual - enough to live in the NOW when I can. (BTW, Melissa, this is the theme of the book I recommended earlier - The Power of Now).

I also got an e-mail from my sister this morning that had a bunch of inspirational quotes. One of them said, "If you find yourself consistently down in the dumps, it means you are living in the past. If you find yourself consistently anxious, you are living in the future. Happiness lies living in the present."

I think what helped me most is knowing that my girls have one childhood, and I OWED it to them to make it as happy as possible. Until I felt like I could do it without thinking too much, I distracted us with stuff that we could do together - like going to the movies, the park, the pottery place, etc. I used those times to build the bridges to normalcy. I got season tix to the Avs (before they went on the skid), which is something my D19 and I did together. It seemed to help us transition to our new normal so much easier and more quickly.

I can't stress this enough to all you newcomers: the holidays are very, very tough and they seem to bring out the unexpected in our WASs. I know I had a tendency to make the holidays more important than any other time of year, and I can see now that I set us up for setbacks and some misery on my part. I don't have any advice there, just be cognizant of the fact that the next 10 days are going to be a roller coaster for all of you. Just remember that when you slide down or climb up. This, too, shall pass.

Okay, time to get back to work. It's a busy day and won't get better for a few more.

Take care of yourselves--
Betsey

The holidays season can be stressful in the best of times. It's an established fact that depression increases, drinking increases, family violence increases at this "hap-happiest time of the year."

And so here we LBSs are with a spouse who wants out of a marriage and if you have kids, they are hurt and confused. Every day feels like moving through mud, crying rivers of tears. What to do?

Take care of yourselves first. Put DBing on the back burner for now, do the best you can for you and your children. Continue to act with dignity and lead with love.

Take the pressure off. Nothing has to be perfect. Your kids will have a fine time, it may not be like the previous years but it will be OK. If you're OK, chances are they will be OK.

In the first Christmas after my personal BD, I was still very sad but I knew I wanted to do things a bit differently, change things up a bit. I bought a smaller tree, decorated differently and looked for ways to make Christmas more active with things like bowling, walks, visiting with friends we hadn't seen for a while. I even changed our traditional holiday menu a bit.

The next year my gift to my sons was a 2 night trip starting the 26th, something we had never done before. It was a great experience even though S21 wasn't able to go.

This might not work for you but think about way make the holiday yours. Own it!

Just know that this will pass. Try not to worry too much about what your Spouse is or isn't doing or saying at this time. The situation is affecting them, too. We don't know exactly how and that's not our business but you can bet it is.

Most of all, don't judge yourselves for where you are at this point in time. This is all a process and the only way through it, is through it. Every one has their own pace and as long as you are working on you, you're moving forward.

I'm hoping others will join in here and add what's worked for them, or what didn't.

Maybe even some funny anecdotes, like S24 and I getting snowed in last year several miles from our destination. We turned lemons into lemonade and share a wonderful memory.

My wish for you is that you have some quiet moments of peace to show you what's possible.

[melissag]

Great post, labug. Since I am a newbie, I don't really have any tried and true ideas for how to manage the holidays, but I will say that we all need to take the pressure off ourselves. The holidays are just holidays. I know it is hard, because we see all these commercials about buying wives/husbands cars and jewelry, and the ones with the picture perfect family (2.2 kids, white picket fence, Mom and Dad, dog that doesn't bite, shed or pee on the carpet, all blissfully happy). And then we go to the mall or out to eat, or even the grocery store, and it seems like everyone is a couple and they are all holding hands and looking lovingly into each other's eyes.

Look, it's like I say to my kids, when they compare (Moo-ooommmmm! J's cookie is bigger than mine!): don't worry about your brother/sister. Worry about yourself.

Well, it's the same thing here, right? Even setting aside the fact that almost nobody has the picture perfect life you imagine they do, who cares what anyone else has? How does someone else having something you don't affect you? Would it make you feel better if all people were lonely, miserable and sad?

Does it $uck to be a LBS? Yes! But I am going to try to pay attention to me and what I DO have. And that's a lot. Is it everything? No. But if we constantly put all our focus on the things we don't have, we are missing out on the joy of the things we do have.

Also, I highly recommend yoga . . . it has been a lifesaver for me.

[labug]

Yes! for the yoga, I know people are tired of hearing me say it but this simple thing can change your life.

[Fight4MyWife]

Great post Labug.

I am not tired of hearing you say about Yoga, in fact I haven't seen where you have talked about it, tell me more. In your home or at a class? What kind of Yoga?

I have been getting curious & interested about Transcendental Meditation recently but you have to pay quite a bit to learn it.

[Fartiltre]

In the first Christmas after my personal BD, I was still very sad but I knew I wanted to do things a bit differently, change things up a bit.

Reading this I realize that this is exactly what I have been doing and it makes me feel good. It makes Christmas move from something lost into something new – and it works. I have changed routines, menu, decorations…changed a lot and made the children part of it and part of the decisions. I feel like it is our Christmas and I feel great about it!

I will use this on other holidays, birthdays and likewise in the time to come

[melissag]

Great post Labug.

I am not tired of hearing you say about Yoga, in fact I haven't seen where you have talked about it, tell me more. In your home or at a class? What kind of Yoga?

I have been getting curious & interested about Transcendental Meditation recently but you have to pay quite a bit to learn it.

I will let labug answer from her experience, of course.

For me, I need to go to a class. I like to be around other people, I like to get out of my house. I like to have a live person helping me if I am doing things wrong, encouraging, supporting, and saying different things each time (as opposed to a scripted DVD). I like to feel the collective energy of a bunch of yogis all practicing together. I have done several different classes, and they each have a different effect on me. My studio has sculpt classes that kick your butt and are a great workout. Restorative yoga is great for your body and also to connect with yourself. Hot yoga can feel cleansing. Just about every kind of yoga involves spirituality and it can be very cathartic. Many times after a class I cry on the way home . . . it's just kind of a release for me.

[labug]

I do mostly yoga at home I have a morning and evening practice that works for me. One is online, one is a DVD.

I'm an introvert so I'm sometimes more apt to do things if I'm in my own space. I do enjoy a class at times but I have a very irregular work schedule which makes it hard to do set classes.

In the early days, I cried through yoga, maybe that's why I feel more comfortable at home. I always felt better in the end.

I also have had body image issues and yoga helped me with that.

[Liberty3]

Last year, a couple of weeks after 2nd BD, my DD's and I decided that Christmas would be at eldest DD house, she has the only granddaughter. H came too, it was a bit awkward but not too bad. I have always done a roast dinner but we decided to have cold meats and salads instead. A definite change.

This year it's the same, at DD house, GD is now 2 and just getting into Christmas!!! Again, a cold lunch which I am actually looking forward to. I had planned to take a short camping trip with my dog and youngest DD afterwards but as it turns out, H and I have a business trip and he has suggested a day sightseeing as well. Should be interesting!

I only have the youngest DD living at home and we just couldn't be bothered to put up any decorations this year, and to be honest, it doesn't really bother me that much.

[labug]

I think doing new things, creating new traditions and new memories seems to be a key here.

[paul19510]

I agree. I did that last night with my kids. W went to see a movie. something we've never done on Christmas Eve. Soon to hand them off to my W for a day at her parents. Then I will be alone until Dinner with my brother and his family. I'll need to find something to fill this day with. alone for the first time in 17 years is not good for me.

We made Christmas breakfast together this morning. it was nice. I even got a hug from my D 16 boyfriend. very nice boy. I am blessed. Still hurts, but I am blessed. Merry Christmas.