Divorced and hopes for reconciliation

[Pampkin]

I am not quite divorced yet but it will be a speedy one when H calls the lawyer. I am not contesting anything. We don't have any kids. We have agreed on living arrangements and alimony. We have been married 10 years (anniversary was yesterday)and for the most part, we were an ideal couple, or at least from the outside looking in.

We got married in 2003 after 3 years of dating. He was 30. I was 18, but a mature one at that, or so I thought. After a year and half of marriage, I had an affair. It was more of an EA since all we did was kiss. It didn't last long, probably a few weeks. H found out about it because of my squirrely behavior. I lied about my whereabouts and told him things I though he wanted to hear. I was basically telling the truth with omission to spare his feelings. After I came clean, it seemed like we were working on our marriage.

A short time after, a guy friend of mine asked to meet up so that we can talk about his problems with his GF. I agreed and met him out at a local restaurant. Everything was very innocent--a friend being there for a friend. But because of my last indiscretion, I was afraid that my H would think I was having another affair. What did I do? I lied to him again where I was. He said if everything was innocent like I said it was, I would have nothing to lie about. Ever since then my H never really had that much faith or trust in me.

Growing up, my family was never really open about our feelings. We didn't know how to communicate and were never really expressive. In our household, my parents never told the kids they loved us, but rather, "parents are supposed to love their children" or "you know I love you" rather than saying " I love you". In our family, we always knew our parents loved us but never expressed it or said it.

I think that was the root cause of my problem. I didn't know how to communicate. I didn't know how to express myself. Therefore, I was never able to help my H through the affair and the pain and confusion. I basically let him work through the problems on his own without my help. Because he had to work through my affair on his own, his truth is that I slept with both guys. That's what really hurts. Although I tried to plead my case (I did not sleep with anyone), he said that my words don't mean anything and it will not change his mind about what he thinks I did or did not do with the OM. Despite all this, we stayed together for 9 more years.

Although we never really did resolve our problems, he put all the problems in a box and placed it somewhere where he couldn't look at it. Sometimes if something triggers a painful memory of the past. he would blow up but I was always able to calm him down saying that everything would be alright, that we would be alright. When he thought about opening up more businesses, he told me that he wanted a post-nup but a post-nup doesn't exist in our state. Those were painful times, but I knew I deserved it and he was feeling all of these raw emotions because it was my fault.

Other than the affair, our day to day life was beautiful. We get along famously. From the outside in, we were the ideal couple. We were happy and in love. After the affair, I was the wife he always wanted me to be. Then one day, I started taking up yoga. He asked me about the instructor and why all of a sudden I was interested in yoga. I don't know what came over me that day but I got very angry and I snapped. I think my reason behind that was because I felt like I was faithful all these years and that he had no right to assume that I was having another affair. We had a huge fight. I slept on the couch. He slept in bed. In our 13 years together, we never went to bed angry at each other. Two weeks later, he said he wanted a D.

I did the typical things a person in my situation does. I cried, I begged, I pleaded. I promised to change. He brought up divorce a few times before when we had our fights but I knew this time, it felt different. He was different. Instead of ignoring the box that he placed out of view, he finally opened it to address what was lurking inside. From that day on, he knew he didn't want to be in this M anymore. He offered for me to stay in the house until the end of the year. I will move in to the condo when our tenant leaves.

Everyday was an uphill battle for me. I decided to leave after a month after bomb drop. I'm staying at my H's friend's empty condo. We have have been living separately for a month now. We talk a few times a week. We go to yoga together once a week. We have dinners out together and we still have family functions. We still hold hands, peck on the lips, and say "I love you." We act the same way we usually do with the exception of living apart and the impending D. Regardless of how amicable this whole situation is, there is no changing his mind about the D. He said he needs it for his sanity. He says he still loves me and tells me so, but that it isn't that romantic kind of love. In order for him to truly forgive me, he had to go through with the D. He tells me that there might be a chance for us in the future. He sees the all the positive changes that I have made. He said that I am a better person. He said that this is the best that I have communicated with him in all the years that we've been together. He said that he has never felt this much love from me until now. He has told some of his friends that he can see himself back together with me one day. Is he just telling me things that I want to hear or does he feel like this new side of me is someone he wants to be with?

My problem is, I've never read about a D situation similar to ours. Behind all the hurt and pain, there's still a lot of love here. We're still very amicable and loving. He said that he wants to continue our friendship after the D and maybe the friendship can grow in to something more. At the same time, he said that we should date other people just to see what else is out there. He doesn't know what is going to happen between us and does not want to give me false hope. Hope is all that I have now. Most days I feel hopeless. I want more than anything to reconcile. I am 31 tomorrow, and am at that point in my life where I wanted to start a family with my husband. Instead of having a baby together, we're getting divorced. I don't think I have a lot of time left for a baby. Even if I was to meet someone new, it would a few years before any serious relationship can develop and then have baby. My H, who is 43 said he doesn't have a lot of time left either. He even said maybe this baby would bring us back together. When? How long? I feel like I'm in this fog. My future with him is so unclear.

Another problem is that we also work together. I help him run his business. I have a college degree but at the moment do not want to pursue a different career. H said that I can work for him and still get paid through his companies. Sometimes I just want to have NC since I believe it would be easier for me to get over him. At the same time, I want to get back together with him so I want to see him and talk to him as much as possible. I love him without any expectations. I love him without needing any reciprocation. Since my hope is to reconcile, I think the latter would be more beneficial to us.

This is my confusion. Does he want to keep me close after the D because he wants to leave his options open? Does he need to compare us to what else is out there? Does he need the D for closure but hope to reconcile soon because he knows that everything he wants and needs is right here? Maybe he just needs time and space away from me to sort things out. I can't imagine my life without him.

I just don't believe that this type of love should be thrown away. He said there might be chance for us in the future, but how do I get this chance? How can two damaged people find their way back to each other?

[slow_it_down]

Hey Pampkin,
I can see you've got all kinds of things swirling in your mind. Take a deep breath and know that there is actually a lot of hope for you. How he feels right now isn't as set in stone as you think. Just let his words roll off your back and get to work on you.

Have you read the books yet? What are you doing to GAL? What are you doing to be a spouse he'd be a fool to leave?

Also, instead of trying to put space between you, why not use your work time to show him how awesome you are? Put on a smiley face, give him lots of space, and find something interesting to keep yourself busy with while he sorts through his feelings.

Keep posting, moderation doesn't last forever.

[Pampkin]

Thank you so much for responding!

I have read the book but I think I will pick it up again tonight and reread it. I guess I haven't really done much to GAL. Right now, instead of going to yoga 3 times a week, I go 4 now. For 75 minutes, I have inner peace and I don't think about what's going wrong in my life. I feel strong, relaxed and empowered afterwards. I think it really helps with my depression. Problem is, H always asks when I'm going to yoga and wants to join me for a class or two. I try to give him space. I don't call him unless it's work related. He calls me to see when I'm going to yoga. He calls me to see if we can drive together to work since we only live 10 minutes away from each other. He calls me up to have dinner and see a movie. I enjoy his company but I try to put on a brave and happy face when we're together but I wear my heart on my sleeves. Sometimes I want to be apart from him because it hurts but at the same time, I always want to be with him because it hurts. I don't know what to do.

I talked to H about counseling yesterday. He said that 1/3 of the time, patients are better off, the other 1/3 are the worse off, and the last 1/3 are the same. He said that he doesn't need someone to help sort out his feelings. He had 10 years to sort them out. He gives me the same BS, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Right now I'm just throwing everything up against the wall to see what sticks. I feel hopeless because there's nothing that I can do to save us. He's committed to leaving.

Sad thing is, we haven't told anyone in our family and only 2 of his friends know that we're on the verge of divorce. When we're together, we hide it well. H says that he doesn't want people meddling in our affairs and giving their two cents. He said that I can tell whomever I please if I need a shoulder to cry on. I haven't said anything to anyone because if I speak it, it makes it that more real. I guess I'm in denial. I feel so alone.


To keep myself from wallowing, I'm thinking of volunteering at the animal shelter soon. Since it is the holidays and I am busy at work, I do not want to commit to something just yet. I'm going to wait until the new year. I'm thinking of going back to school to get my certificate in forensic chemistry and/or become an RN. Any good ideas to GAL for the time being? Any suggestions would be great.

Again, thank you.

[slow_it_down]

It's probably best not to push him towards counseling, but that doesn't mean you can't go on your own.

Also, if he's calling you about yoga and movies etc it's fine to spend that time with him. The goal is to spend some time with him, but to also be busy doing other things so that sometimes you can decline because you already have plans.

One thing that really helped me was to think of myself as my H's friend. That meant letting him date and not taking it personally. It hurt like crazy, but it was my goal to support him while not leaning on him for support if that makes sense.

Ideas for GAL? Me personally I try to do things with family or friends but I'm not afraid of going out alone if I have to. Ice skating is fun this time of year, or a movie. When I was pregnant I went on a lot of local tours in my area alone and met some interesting people. Museums are also good if you are flying solo. Heck, just hopping in the car for a road trip to a new city or town to explore on your own can be fun.

Why not make some fun New Years plans with friends or co workers and go w/o your H. You having fun w/o him is very alluring.

Lastly don't be in a rush to tell people. It's much easier to reconcile and rebuild when there isn't pressure from your loved ones on him or u.

You are stronger than you think and you can stay strong for the sake of saving your marriage.