I will try to keep history brief, hope it doesn't sound too cold!
Me(44), H(46), T(16) M(13)
Looking back our issues began some time ago. His parents died unexpectedly in 2007 and 2008 (he didn't appear to fully grieve at the time although he was v close to them). At same time we had big problems with behaviour of my teenage son (H's SS) and H starts his own business. H has various online EAs in 2009 and a PA in 2010 - totally out of character. He ended all these when discovered and confronted. We have had several quieter years since but resentment has simmered away both ways. We've had a rubbish year learning that a dear friend is terminally ill and ongoing business worries. In Oct H told me he didn't know how he felt about me, doesn't love me in the way he should and doesn't respect me. Almost all the issues he cited were around how we dealt with the stuff above. Plus he has implied that I don't do anything to make myself happy but have been relying on him and that I am somewhat boring and homely. I feel this is a valid assessment. When I said I agreed and would work on this he said it was 'too little too late'. He left in mid-Nov.
He pops in maybe three times a week to see the younger children and I try to look my best and be upbeat. I have stopped trying to reason and give my support to the S. He says he feels relieved being apart which I have validated. We've had no R talk for several weeks. He speaks to me respectfully, even warmly at times but his eyes look sad. He has a lot of business worries presently and we are continuing to work together. (Should we continue to do this?) He talks about a future but it does seem to be all about the business not the M.
I am shell-shocked to say the least. What I really don't understand is how he can appear to be so final without giving us a chance to work things through. He said he has 'tried everything' but this didn't include involving me or going to MC (which he refused to do).
Some of this strikes me as being MLC sounding stuff but if so why the calmer interlude of 2010-13?
I feel so desperately sad that the man I love has become so unhappy right under my nose and I didn't realise it. I kick myself for not having listened better.
Sorry for rambling.... I would really appreciate any input.
Hi Missy, sorry you find yourself in this situation. But know that you are in the right place for support and great advice.
Please do read DR if you haven't already. It will give you a plan and a framework to operate from, and just as importantly, it will give you hope.
He may have tried everything and is done trying (btw, they all say that, it is true to them right now), but you haven't tried everything, so get to work! Really try to identify what went wrong in the M, from your end. Why doesn't your H respect you? Take a look at yourself and figure out what you want to change for YOU. Oftentimes when we are in a bad M, we find that we have lost ourselves too. Find yourself again.
What are you doing to GAL? That is so important for you, and also it sounds like it will be one of your 180s.
Hang in there, keep posting, and keep reading!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
The EAs (online flirting) and PA (which was discovered days ahead of it becoming physical but he admits it would have)were dealt with in perhaps the worst possible way - I didn't tell a soul and never worked through my resentment. Often since I have behaved untrustingly. Not helped by the fact that although he apologised at the time he has only expressed the extent of his regret since the recent BD. I think to have heard this a few years ago would have greatly helped me to forgive. H appears sincere when he says no-one else is involved now and I don't have any reason to suspect otherwise at this point.
I have been trying to GAL and have joined two classes, started regularly going to the gym and seeing a friend more often. This started before BD as I'd worked out that I needed to do this especially now the kids are getting more independent(teenagers).
I'm not sure why he said he didn't respect me? But looking from my end I have been very down, critical and clingy as I sensed him withdrawing in recent months.
I have been to IC but after a few sessions the C advised that we couldn't go much further without H on board. And yes I am reading and re-reading DR which kind of raised my question about whether I should continue to work with him. It makes going mysterious tricky but provides lots of opportunity for contact about things other than the R.
H spent Christmas Day and then Boxing Day with us and extended family. It went really well under the circumstances. I dressed up a bit both days and H did a poor job of trying disguise that he liked what he saw and I caught him sneaking glances throughout the days which made me feel a bit hopeful. A close family member said that had she not known otherwise she wouldn't have guessed anything was wrong - except there was no touching, kissing etc like we used to. H also appeared slightly less sad than of late.
The next night he came in briefly to collect the children but sought me out for a quick conversation and he seemed really upbeat. I was busy doing something else and was polite but carried on doing what I was doing. After I wondered if I should have tried to engage more?
Then yesterday I had a DIY problem which I texted him about and he was here within a few hours with the part and fixed it. (I did text my mum that it got fixed quicker than it would have done when he lived here, which was naughty of me I know). After I thanked him and he stayed for a coffee and we talked about general stuff, what he was up to but I was struck by how little eye contact he made, took this as a bad sign and then cried for a while after he'd gone.
I guess I'd been hoping for day-on-day improvement in terms of feeling at ease and was disappointed. I just can't seem to get my expectations right down. But it is better than it was just six weeks ago, or even two weeks ago. I don't know what else I can do to try to improve this and worry that it could get worse over time rather than better.
Lately I feel I have begun to heal slightly. His A no longer wounds me like it did. Nowhere near like it did actually. I hope I am forgiving both him and myself. The blame I felt generally is just not there now. I am past caring who was right and who was wrong, it doesn't matter anymore.
Thanks for reading - this place is helpful beyond words.
