I think when we feel regret, we relive guilt, sadness or anger over and over again.
So, when I find myself feeling that way, I try to turn my thoughts to the things I have learned because there is always a lesson - even in pain and sadness.
When the holidays come around, it is easy to start down the road of feeling guilty for the past. Dont go down it. Forgive yourself.
Wonka, I look forward to what you have to say. Please don't go away.
Guilt. I have to honestly say I have things I could have done better. For sure. But guilt? I don't feel guilt when it comes to my life. I don't feel sadness. I feel like things just are the way they are. Is there a bigger picture? Absolutely.
That's a long way from where I was when this began I can tell you. I know for me, I would have felt guilt had I not tried. Had I walked away earlier in the process. Had I left my home like she tried to get me to do. I do remember feeling that I was wanting to take on the accusations. I do remember figuring out my reactions to her and how I took it out on those around me. If I was going to feel guilt, I would feel guilt for that. But I realized a long time ago that I did what I could with the information I had at the time. With the tools I had.
I've come a long way in that regard. I also remember that I kind of wished I had done some of those things she accused me of. At first it was a reaction to her pain. To my children's pain. No father wants to see that. And since I wasn't running away... But I also learned to only own what's mine to own. I gave the rest back and forgave myself for my part.
I think it's when I realized that there is a bigger picture that I turned a corner. When I realized that my marriage is not my identity. It was part of who I was but it is not who I am in totality. It never was. Realizing that, I can also realize that my life is not good or bad based on the outcome of that existence. I realized it's more important to become whole, even at great cost, than it is to be married. I realize I could have done both, but my ex could not. I don't envy her trip, but I won't take that from her either.
I'm grateful for all I've been through. For the chance to take the rose colored glasses off and see things as they really are. If I had been Stockdale, I may have perished. I'm a sunny side of the street kind of person. I believe in happy endings. I learned what he was talking about - I still believe in happy endings, but I'm not so enamored of the Hollywood version. I see now that I can be happy with the way things are. I can be happy regardless of what happens for me. I can be better than I was with the new tools and new information I have now.
I wouldn't trade places for anything. And I wouldn't wish this experience all away. Looking back, it's that valuable to me.
Don't get me wrong. I'd welcome the ex to go away like she said. I would. But even the harassment doesn't mean anything to me. It's just something I have to deal with.
I'm not sad. I was. I'm not wondering why this happened. I can't know. But I am a better person for it and for that I'm grateful.
I hope that at some point my ex finds the happiness and contentment she set out looking for. That she felt she was missing all of a sudden. I hope that my kids forgive us both. I hope my ex figures out her sh*t and can forgive herself when she does. Without the anger. Without the re-remembering. Without the rose colored glasses. Why? Because I believe that will bring her the happiness and peace she left for. I may not understand it, but I would like to think that's the happy ending for us all. That would bring meaning to the otherwise strange behavior and lies. With or without the meaning, it is what it is
I've seen the future for me and it is not a sad one. Not in the least.
Nice thread UR. Always thought provoking.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I can identify! I too have gotten to the point of just hoping EX finds what he was looking for. I guess because Im finding happiness in creating my life and learning so much about myself, that I only wish that for everyone, yes including him. I guess how the journey sets out for all of is really is the worst part. It really does get better!
this is one of the most beautiful things I have read:
I hope that at some point my ex finds the happiness and contentment she set out looking for. That she felt she was missing all of a sudden. I hope that my kids forgive us both. I hope my ex figures out her sh*t and can forgive herself when she does. Without the anger. Without the re-remembering. Without the rose colored glasses. Why? Because I believe that will bring her the happiness and peace she left for. I may not understand it, but I would like to think that's the happy ending for us all. That would bring meaning to the otherwise strange behavior and lies. With or without the meaning, it is what it is
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I've detected something has been bothering you for several weeks. What has happened to set off those "exposed raw nerves"? Do you want to talk about it and allow us to listen and help you work through whatever is bothering you?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
UR, I know the holidays have a way of causing more emotions to come out in us. I know i have been feeling the pain of loss and what was. But thank you for pointing out the obvious, open our eyes and see all there is to be enjoyed and to be thankful for.
AJM, I need to keep echoing and reminding myself of what you have said. Often i feel that i am not doing enough or could do more but bottom line.....
"But I realized a long time ago that I did what I could with the information I had at the time. With the tools I had."
Thanks
I would rather feel pain then never feel at all... Separated 3/2012 T 34 yrs M 27 yrs
I hope that at some point my ex finds the happiness and contentment she set out looking for. That she felt she was missing all of a sudden. I hope that my kids forgive us both. I hope my ex figures out her sh*t and can forgive herself when she does. Without the anger. Without the re-remembering. Without the rose colored glasses. Why? Because I believe that will bring her the happiness and peace she left for. I may not understand it, but I would like to think that's the happy ending for us all. That would bring meaning to the otherwise strange behavior and lies. With or without the meaning, it is what it is
Well said AJ.....
: )
I also hope that my Ex can eventually become a whole person that can finally put her issues behind her...
So that she can give to her new partner all of the things that she was incapable of giving in our relationship.
So that she can look at him without the emptiness in her eyes , and the total befuddlement over life issues that plagued the latter part of our marriage...
I hope that she finds inner peace , and can form a stronger, deeper relationship with our children in the future....
I also hope that she can finally find the ever elusive, last piece of her inner puzzle...
I was just sitting here thinking about my first Christmas post bomb...
I got bombed at the end of September 2007, so things were pretty fresh then.
We already had existing plans for the usual Christmas visitation, so the first wave ( my Mother) went fairly smooth, although my Mother thought that she caught a glimpse of her looking at a dating sight, but blew it off because she couldn't imagine anything being wrong at that point.( the "show" was in full force)
My Ex went out for her company Christmas party on the afternoon of the 24th, and got drunk with one of her coworkers ( a younger girl that she was "helping out" ). So she was hammered for Christmas eve.
She spent Christmas day fully engaged on her phone, and the only thing that interrupted that ? Was her 3 hour nap...
When my Mother left, my Dad came to visit the following day. We were sitting in our kitchen playing cards, laughing and having fun (thank God it was MY family there), when she asked me to go into our bathroom with her. She told me that she had decided that she was done, and there was no chance of us getting back together...ever. I asked her why she picked THAT time to tell me that....
And she said that she didn't want me to get the wrong idea because we were having fun together.
Looking back, I now know that it was the whole "Space Shuttle" analogy that I have used many times here.
She was feeling that closeness, and needed that fuel, to push away.
It was the first time that she had ever been 'that' cold towards me.
Quite a few of you will be spending your first Christmas "post bomb".
I can tell you that you will see some strange crap from your spouses. You will see that empty look in their eyes, and you will see the "space shuttle" thing happening. You will see some anger from them, and some of you will be the victims of some major button pushing....
Do not engage with them about it...
The "closer" that you feel, the more they will feel the need to push away from it.
Please do not let YOUR expectations ruin this magical time of the year.
One of my mantras , has always been to prepare for everything, yet expect nothing...
