2L, it looks like your W lives in her head. She convinced herself that your M is no good and put up a wall. But she continues to do all the things that normal people do. It is like she is in a different reality. I don’t know if giving her more time will do anything in this case. My opinion is that only the realization of the reality what not being married actually means will bring her back into reality. I’m speaking from my own experience here. About 5 years ago I was very unhappy with my M and did the same things your W is doing. I convinced myself that there have to be a better life somewhere and a better H and better relationship. I was also not speaking about my needs expecting my H to know what I needed. So, I pushed and pushed, even talked about the D. My H didn’t fight me on this. Then I discovered that he was actually making plans about separation of accounts, etc. I realized that what I was doing was in my head and I actually didn’t want to end the M. I think it was very confusing and painful time for him. I think that he is kind of paying me back right now.
I could be wrong here, but your W fits the description. I will have to go back and read your sitch.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright has an idea there. But here's what it really comes to:
Quote:
Love was a choice and a commitment.
You said it yourself. For you it took drifting apart and eventually coming back together. For BF, similar.
For your W? Dunno yet, do we.
Have you told her what you want from the relationship? Have you told her you'd like to ML or touch or kiss or take dirty pictures parked behind the tasty freeze?
Or are you waiting?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I guess I have been silent. I haven't asked for what I wan't either mainly because of DBing. "Don't talk about our relationship". So I don"t talk and it seems like the only way I can act "As if" I am moving on with my life since we still live together is to move in the direction of complete separation but then what? It feels counter to DBing or am I not seeing the big picture here? AJM I love your Martin Luther King quote "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter", but that seems to be going against the DBing rules or like I said, am I missing the big picture?
Wife emotionally checked out 2 years ago ILYBNLWY 2/1/2013 M-48, W-40 D-9 Living together in separation for daughter
BrightFuture you seem to have hit the nail on the head. My wife enjoys all of the comforts and joys of being in a good marriage without emotionally being in a marriage. Our day to day life is like we are this great couple minus any intamacy of any kind. If i am obviously pushing towards her she pulls away. I have to be extremly subtle or it's rejection. Her 2 best friends are both divorced so she has all of the emotional support she needs so I often feel like I'm kicking a dead horse with my efforts.
I would love to pick your brain a little more about your previous similar situation.
Wife emotionally checked out 2 years ago ILYBNLWY 2/1/2013 M-48, W-40 D-9 Living together in separation for daughter
I think you're missing the bigger picture where you both get your needs met. DB is about more than saving your marriage, but it's important to see the bigger picture before action - I think that's where you're getting wrapped around the axle.
I think there's another forum on this site that may also help.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
BrightFuture you seem to have hit the nail on the head. My wife enjoys all of the comforts and joys of being in a good marriage without emotionally being in a marriage. Our day to day life is like we are this great couple minus any intamacy of any kind. If i am obviously pushing towards her she pulls away. I have to be extremly subtle or it's rejection. Her 2 best friends are both divorced so she has all of the emotional support she needs so I often feel like I'm kicking a dead horse with my efforts.
I would love to pick your brain a little more about your previous similar situation.
As you may or may not have read, I told H I needed more out of our burgeoning relationship at this point. He said what if I can't? I basically said then see ya.
I have realized that of course H is comfy...who wouldn't be? Lol...but if we are to continue to explore a relationship he also must move a little into the uncomfortable.
But I think the key was I was really willing to drop the rope. Absolutely and 100%. So when it isn't enough anymore for you, you will know..I think you are coming to that point.
AJ is right, both your needs are a factor. Not just hers
You are right about both needs needing to be met. I've taken up running as a daily routine in part for the exercise but also it is the best time for me to think. I am alone with my thoughts and have no outside influence and it gives me clarity. My thoughts lately have been enough is enough. My wife is very comfortable in her virtual safe world. I think that I need to look within to what my needs are and see if she is willing to give a little or not. I think that I have reached my FYP!
Wife emotionally checked out 2 years ago ILYBNLWY 2/1/2013 M-48, W-40 D-9 Living together in separation for daughter
