Settling in for the long road ahead

[AnotherStander]

Back to businesslike H, no hand holding, no flirting, a brief peck on the cheek.

Not sure who is more confused, him or me!!!!

That's actually pretty typical, it's the "distance/ pursuit" dynamic. He was pursuing you a bit, now he's pushing away again. Your goal is to stay as close to "center" as possible, try not to ride the waves like he does. When he's "up" just expect that he's going to be "down" again at some point, then when it happens it won't take you by surprise. Likewise when he's "down" don't try to pursue, just give him time and space. He'll be on the upswing again before you know it.

[Liberty3]

Had a good weekend GALing but I've been feeling a bit down. Today I feel worse, a bit teary. Not sure if its due to hormones or what. H seems a bit short in both conversation and text too. Work is quiet so that might have something to do with it.

[Liberty3]

H is pretty much back to how he was before Christmas, sounding down, defeated, doesn't want to touch me although he will return a hug if I give him one. Work is very quiet so that may have some bearing on it, and also it was his birthday this month and he really has an anti-ageing thing going at the moment.

For the moment, until I can schedule another session with my DB coach, I will continue to be affectionate when I see him but I am not taking the initiative with phone calls and messages unless it is regarding work. I thought I might give him some space.

[Liberty3]

H called round this afternoon. We were talking about business and then he brings up our R. He is fed up with work, government, feels he has worked all these years and will have nothing to show for it, etc but he thinks our relationship is a separate issue.

He says he feels hurt and injured from the way I have treated him for all these years (eg, most of our marriage) and is now 'sitting on the fence' because he can't decide what to do. He maintains its better to sit there until he does know what he wants to do. He is waiting for 'the lightbulb moment'.

I honestly don't think that our whole marriage has been bad. I do admit that for a couple of years I have been pushing him away, and I have tried hard to work on that issue (and many others) and the reasons why. He admits I have changed.

I asked him if he would rather I just disappeared from the picture, not to give him hugs or speak to him but he has said that is ok to do. I asked him about s3x and he said that if a 'good looking bird was going to get their gear off and jump into bed with him, he won't say no', but he wasn't going to initiate any hugs or s3x because he doesn't want to give me false hope.

I had thought that he was going through a midlife crisis but now I just don't know what's going on. He doesn't want to sell the house or business, doesn't know if he wants a divorce, doesn't know if he wants me, he just doesn't know!!!!!! And nor do I!

Some insight would be appreciated.

[labug]

I came across MLC, and a lot of it seems to fit H.

This fits just about everyone at some point in their life. How would you thinking he's in MLC affect you? What would you do differently?

You say your confused, he probably is, too. But the only person you have control of is you.

What changes have you made in you? What are you doing to GAL? What are your goals?

I'm sure you've read about detaching. It's a difficult concept but once you get it, it makes so much sense. Your H's up and down moods don't have to affect you. Another poster wrote this a few days ago and it helped her in working on detaching.

So I can be kind and loving even, but it comes from a place of me being who I want to be, not to try to get kindness and love in return. Giving without any emotional strings attached.

So, be honest in your communication. Interact with empathy and compassion and without expectation.

[Liberty3]

I came across MLC, and a lot of it seems to fit H.

This fits just about everyone at some point in their life. How would you thinking he's in MLC affect you? What would you do differently?

From what I have read, if they are in MLC, it is basically a case of leaving them alone to work through the crisis on their own. Many things I have read say that any input from the LBS can delay their journey. If it is MLC, then surely having frequent contact (have to for business reasons), me giving him a hug when I see him, occasionally doing 'dates', etc is only delaying the process.

You say your confused, he probably is, too. But the only person you have control of is you.

What changes have you made in you? What are you doing to GAL? What are your goals?

I've made a lot of changes. I used to be very anxiety ridden and agoraphobic. I would rarely go out or leave town. I won't say that I am now cured of the agoraphobia because I believe it is like alcoholism, it will always be there but I will be in charge of it. I now go out a lot more frequently, I've joined a meetup group, started horse riding, flown in aeroplanes (was a huge phobia!), but I also think I am a nicer person to be around. I am more helpful, I try to be more interested in what is going on around me, I'm working on actually saying what I feel rather than just bottling it all up. H says that s3x had always been a problem for us and I have looked into some of the reasons for this too, and I'm working on this too. Some of his complaints have been quite valid and I dearly wish that either he had spoken up more clearly earlier in our marriage, or I had taken notice earlier.

I am beginning to be a bit more assertive. This is actually quite difficult for me, I've always backed down and gone with the flow of things. My D is noticing the difference!

My goals? Immediate one is to participate in a cattle drive in May, three days without a shower, no toilets, sleeping under the stars, all totally out of my comfort zone but I cant wait! Long term goals include finishing the Diploma course that I have recently started (and I'm wondering if I have bitten off more than I an chew!!!), move to a smaller house, get myself a job and do a bit of travelling. I have many small ones to get to in the meantime. I am also trying to become more patient!.

I'm sure you've read about detaching. It's a difficult concept but once you get it, it makes so much sense. Your H's up and down moods don't have to affect you. Another poster wrote this a few days ago and it helped her in working on detaching.

So I can be kind and loving even, but it comes from a place of me being who I want to be, not to try to get kindness and love in return. Giving without any emotional strings attached.

This sums up nicely how I feel about my actions towards H. He has said he doesn't know if I am doing it to 'get him back', but quite honestly it is because I want too. For many years, I thought that men didnt want physical contact 'just because', possibly because of the way I was raised and examples I saw around me.

To be honest, I struggle with detaching. I don't know if it because H and I have frequent contact with the business or if it is just me. Sometimes I think that living in a different town and not seeing him would help (we live in a small town), but it would be extremely difficult for me to move away.

So, be honest in your communication. Interact with empathy and compassion and without expectation.

Thank you for your feedback. It has helped me think, still mightily confused, but that's to be expected I suppose!

[Liberty3]

Just spent a couple of days with H. He was working and I went along for the ride. On the first day he asked if I wanted to 'speak about anything', meaning our R and I replied that there wasn't. He was a bit quiet after that and later I wondered if it was his way of trying to open up a conversation about things.

I asked him about it the following day, but he said he thought I might want to talk about something before we stopped for the night. No idea what he meant by that, but we did go on to talk.

He says he hasn't been happy for 15 years, he recounted a talk we had where he said he wasn't going to ever initiate s3x again, that I have been pushing him away, the kids are now grown, and he's had enough. There has been no conversation between us apart from business for years and I just ignored him when he came home.

I validated his concerns, I did put over my point of view on a few things, especially the s3x concern. He has definitely been initiating! I asked him about what was OK to talk about too. I said that it was difficult to find a topic of conversation, current events cause him to get angry and frustrated, he doesn't think we have a future as a couple, if I talk about my plans he says he feels left out and we are leading seperate lives, sometimes it seems talking business is the only safe thing! He did say that he did like to be included in some future plans.

Great! A safe topic to talk about, we had been tossing around a camping trip with friends in a couple of years. Later that afternoon I brought up the subject, asking what sort of vehicle did H think would be suitable for the trip. I then get the spiel about how he doesn't know if he is going to buy a vehicle, who said he is going on the trip, doesn't know if he will want to be with me...............!! WTF!!!!!

Any ideas on what to talk about??????

He keeps saying he is sitting on the fence, he doesn't know if he wants to be with me or not. He can see that I have done a lot of work on myself in the past year and he has done nothing but he doesn't know what he wants to do. He says he doesn't want to touch me or give my any reason to think that we might have a future together, yet he is willing to receive cuddles, back rubs and s3x.

Confused! Yep, my new middle name.