Hey DX, He is cake eating. His perfect world would be to have what he is having and have you and his outlet. Maybe he just wants it as amicable as possible but don't worry about what he wants. Do detach, as hard as it is. Move on for now, better that than the mess I am in. He is not right. Selfishness holds no bounds and to string you along is not right. You are a good person. He is selfish. The more he gets, the more he will want. Sense of entitlement is sick. Especially involving the children right now. Detach. It will hurt in the short term, but in the long run you will be better. Days will be up and down. Strong days and weak days. That is very typical. The better and stronger days get more feequent.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Happy Valentine's Day everyone who came to help me and give me advice and those reading! It may not be the easiest one for all of us in this situation, but the kids were really sweet this morning and I will make us all a fun dinner to share - and post it on facebook! everyone make or take a nice dinner for yourselves tonight to enjoy the moment. I love you all!
M 20 yrs me 47 H 51 s11 d8
BD 10/8/13 H Moved out 11/30/13 OW slept over with children Dec '13 OW moved in w/H Jan '14
I'm glad our kids were there for you this morning and made things a bit better. I think it's a wonderful idea to haver a special dinner and enjoy the moment w/the children that love you. Make today a special day for you! Do something special that you will enjoy, maybe pamper yourself a bit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
hi all -- no, I have not been here before -- brand new. Thanks for the nice notes. I just burned out on feeling sick about a month ago; I decided to start doing something and to stop being in the dumps all the time. I am certainly not happy all the time, but I am handling things much better. Here is something funny: I told you guys about the quote, "do you love her enough to be generous and put your hurt aside?" So, I keep business cards with this quote on it in my wallet. When I get in a jam, feeling down, or upset, or lost I pull one out sign it "yes!" and date it. If we work things out, I will give them to her to show her that I knew things would be okay, and that I never gave up on her for one day -- that I did not waiver one bit. If we do not make it, I will keep them and show myself that I never gave up. a win-win!!
Wow, canyou?, that is an inspiring, positive attitude. While I think I have not attained that level of positivity to the relationship, I sometimes am able to detach better... and just go ahead and enjoy life with kids without spouse. I wrote on someone else's thread who was having trouble that it might be good to write a post detailing some things that were not a direct reaction to their spouse, so here is mine: I got a haircut and new glasses. Played tennis with friend for first time in years. Responded in a positive way to a career challenge by a higher-ranking member. Responded to a collaborator who was challenging me to do something I never tried before. Had friends over for New Year's party. Had another friend over for dinner and wine. Did more yoga (at home alone - will make a point to do with others at a class). Wrote gratitude lists in my journal. Had an online virtual valentine's day party by asking single friends to post a nice dinner they made for themselves or others if not a couple - and posted a nice dinner I made for myself and kids. And just last night I went to a fancy dinner with my kids and another family that we had been planning long before husband dropped the bomb - but we went ahead and did it. And we all had a blast.
Next I want to try Wallyball, which will give me something to do on Wed night if the notice on the healthclub website turns out to be accurate.
M 20 yrs me 47 H 51 s11 d8
BD 10/8/13 H Moved out 11/30/13 OW slept over with children Dec '13 OW moved in w/H Jan '14
Just posting some painful thoughts, trying to sift through them and get over it. I took the day off yesterday - and then, long story, but ice fell off my roof onto the driveway and I could not get my car out to get to work this morning. Even had a neighbor call someone with a township plow to help me out - they came by and helped most of the way: I still have some to do, but came in to call out sick of work and also take a break before doing the last bit myself. It is all ice. This is something that my husband used to do and I tried calling him like crazy for help this morning and he would not answer. He called back and left a message with the kids saying hi before school like it was a social call, but never called me back or came over to help. When he first left, he said he would be around to help and on the first one or two snows, he came over to help, but that has already stopped - it has been an unusually snowy and icy winter.
I am not as anxiety-ridden all the time, and mentally I am understanding the detachment, but I also still feel somewhat stuck. At the beginning of trying to get out this morning, I felt like I just could not do it and was calling and calling H in desperation. Then I kept plugging away at the ice a little at a time. A neighbor saw me and came over and we talked both about the ice and my H situation. We had a nice talk and she helped me find a heavy-duty pointy shovel to chisel at the ice with and called her boyfriend who works for the township with the plow. But one of the things she said really helped as much as the plowing instruments: She noticed that Husband is doing less and less of the helping here at my house and said yes, both her boyfriend and an in-law have had same situation: the WAS will do less and less to help, often specifically because the OW is telling them not to, that they should not be helping the ex (me). I feel like my H is closing off to me - he was so cold to me last night when picking up the kids. I feel so bizarre: I am here trying to do DBing, husband is showing zero interest in me and already shacked up with other woman, but is making no moves toward divorce. Last Sunday, we attended church to watch my daughter sing in the choir and H accompanied us all downstairs for after-church social hour (snacks) just as if we were still a family. But his interaction with me is getting colder. I have been doing mounds and mounds of reading, trying to detach, doing 180s as best I can - and sometimes I make some progress - doing exercises in Getting Past your Breakup, doing exercises in Byron Katie's the Work, doing divorce busting, getting a life, getting positive mental attitude. I signed up for a "Painting from your Soul" workshop to be held on Sunday - this is really out-of-the-box for me, since I am more of an athletic-minded person. But oh, this is all so hard and nothing seems to be working. The kids are my biggest joy. I am really there for them and they are really there for me. But I worry that other things are sliding - work in particular. I have always been very invested in my career, but this is really hurting my productivity at work. I am telling myself that I am in crisis and frankly, I can only do what I can manage right now. But frankly, there are people depending on me at work that I feel I am letting down and it's not helping my career security any. And this is a bad time for that. Just journaling to try to get through. I feel like I am leaning on so many people right now - and I don't see the end of the tunnel at all.
M 20 yrs me 47 H 51 s11 d8
BD 10/8/13 H Moved out 11/30/13 OW slept over with children Dec '13 OW moved in w/H Jan '14
hi there -- come on now, heads up! attitude up! confidence up!!
When this happened to me I decided to talk to my boss; I did not want to have to worry daily about whether I was slipping. I was so all over the place that I understood that I would not pick up on the issue myself if it were to occur. I asked him that if my productivity slipped, would he be good enough to tell me right away. He said "yes." I think he appreciated that fact that I asked him to keep an eye on my performance during this time. I also told him that I would advise him as soon as I felt that I was no longer walking around in a cloud (which I did about two months ago).
It sounds to me that you need to be really, really careful that his crisis does not become yours. YOU are standing for your marriage. I understand it stinks to hear this from someone you do not know, but I am not sure whether he plays much (any??) role in this.
If the process of detachment correlates to more pain for you(which it seems to me that it is), then for heavens sake, don't detach!! I've decided, for example, that my future falling out of love with my wife has nothing to do with when she, presumably, fell out of love with me. It may be the case that I never fall out of love -- this is fine with me as I can then more easily model commitment to our family (for the girls). As crazy as it sounds (and I do know this sounds nuts), I am not sure that this is an entirely bad thing -- one parent on a deeply personal quest, and one parent clearly the symbol of the family that the girls know. I think I can actually SUPPORT HER with this type of attitude in place(and have told her so).
By the way, you ARE still a family and the church event shows this. "Learn patience and learn it quickly! If you can be patient, you will see glimmers of your husband poking through the crisis."
By the way, I think you are feeling stuck because, well, we are stuck. There is no reason, for me anyway, to make it complicated. Yes, I'm stuck. I am also a little confused, a little depressed, a little excited (!!), a little bit of a better father, a little more forward thinking then I have been in a very long time, and even a little more selfish about where my life might take me after the girls graduate from high school.
Will my wife ever come back to me? I have absolutely no clue.
All I do know 100%, absolutely, without doubt, is that I STAND for my children, myself, my wife, and my marriage - in that order. I believe that even as a man, I can be a model unconditional love and commitment. If their mom moves on, when the girls need to see what love looks like, I will be there.
Well, updating: I called husband this afternoon and just updated him casually about the ice situation: "You know how we get that ice on our roof that then ices over and falls - well I couldn't make it into work today - the kids told me you slipped on the ice this morning too". He was relaxed and chatted about it and said I could always call him to help with the kids on late start days, since they told him they had stayed with a neighbor recently on a late start. So I guess I'm happy we can be pleasant to each other. I have to get to a point where I recognize that that's all it is though. It is still so sad to me.
M 20 yrs me 47 H 51 s11 d8
BD 10/8/13 H Moved out 11/30/13 OW slept over with children Dec '13 OW moved in w/H Jan '14
Thanks Canyou! I needed that support. I also get why I am not seeing your posts immediately - I forgot that at first, you are on moderation, so your posts do not show up right away. So now I am feeling the love just when I needed the chin-up reminder! Best to you!
M 20 yrs me 47 H 51 s11 d8
BD 10/8/13 H Moved out 11/30/13 OW slept over with children Dec '13 OW moved in w/H Jan '14
